CHAPTER X 30 страница

 

“Well, sir, I will stay with you: I have said so.”

 

“Yes—but you understand one thing by staying with me; and I understand another. You, perhaps, could make up your mind to be about my hand and chair—to wait on me as a kind little nurse (for you have an affectionate heart and a generous spirit, which prompt you to make sacrifices for those you pity), and that ought to suffice for me no doubt. I suppose I should now entertain none but fatherly feelings for you: do you think so? Come—tell me.”

 

“I will think what you like, sir: I am content to be only your nurse, if you think it better.”

 

“But you cannot always be my nurse, Janet: you are young—you must marry one day.”

 

“I don’t care about being married.”

 

“You should care, Janet: if I were what I once was, I would try to make you care—but—a sightless block!”

 

He relapsed again into gloom. I, on the contrary, became more cheerful, and took fresh courage: these last words gave me an insight as to where the difficulty lay; and as it was no difficulty with me, I felt quite relieved from my previous embarrassment. I resumed a livelier vein of conversation.

 

“It is time some one undertook to rehumanise you,” said I, parting his thick and long uncut locks; “for I see you are being metamorphosed into a lion, or something of that sort. You have a ‘faux air’ of Nebuchadnezzar in the fields about you, that is certain: your hair reminds me of eagles’ feathers; whether your nails are grown like birds’ claws or not, I have not yet noticed.”

 

“On this arm, I have neither hand nor nails,” he said, drawing the mutilated limb from his breast, and showing it to me. “It is a mere stump—a ghastly sight! Don’t you think so, Jane?”

 

“It is a pity to see it; and a pity to see your eyes—and the scar of fire on your forehead: and the worst of it is, one is in danger of loving you too well for all this; and making too much of you.”

 

“I thought you would be revolted, Jane, when you saw my arm, and my cicatrised visage.”

 

“Did you? Don’t tell me so—lest I should say something disparaging to your judgment. Now, let me leave you an instant, to make a better fire, and have the hearth swept up. Can you tell when there is a good fire?”

 

“Yes; with the right eye I see a glow—a ruddy haze.”

 

“And you see the candles?”

 

“Very dimly—each is a luminous cloud.”

 

“Can you see me?”

 

“No, my fairy: but I am only too thankful to hear and feel you.”

 

“When do you take supper?”

 

“I never take supper.”

 

“But you shall have some to-night. I am hungry: so are you, I daresay, only you forget.”

 

Summoning Mary, I soon had the room in more cheerful order: I prepared him, likewise, a comfortable repast. My spirits were excited, and with pleasure and ease I talked to him during supper, and for a long time after. There was no harassing restraint, no repressing of glee and vivacity with him; for with him I was at perfect ease, because I knew I suited him; all I said or did seemed either to console or revive him. Delightful consciousness! It brought to life and light my whole nature: in his presence I thoroughly lived; and he lived in mine. Blind as he was, smiles played over his face, joy dawned on his forehead: his lineaments softened and warmed.

 

After supper, he began to ask me many questions, of where I had been, what I had been doing, how I had found him out; but I gave him only very partial replies: it was too late to enter into particulars that night. Besides, I wished to touch no deep-thrilling chord—to open no fresh well of emotion in his heart: my sole present aim was to cheer him. Cheered, as I have said, he was: and yet but by fits. If a moment’s silence broke the conversation, he would turn restless, touch me, then say, “Jane.”

 

“You are altogether a human being, Jane? You are certain of that?”

 

“I conscientiously believe so, Mr. Rochester.”

 

“Yet how, on this dark and doleful evening, could you so suddenly rise on my lone hearth? I stretched my hand to take a glass of water from a hireling, and it was given me by you: I asked a question, expecting John’s wife to answer me, and your voice spoke at my ear.”

 

“Because I had come in, in Mary’s stead, with the tray.”

 

“And there is enchantment in the very hour I am now spending with you. Who can tell what a dark, dreary, hopeless life I have dragged on for months past? Doing nothing, expecting nothing; merging night in day; feeling but the sensation of cold when I let the fire go out, of hunger when I forgot to eat: and then a ceaseless sorrow, and, at times, a very delirium of desire to behold my Jane again. Yes: for her restoration I longed, far more than for that of my lost sight. How can it be that Jane is with me, and says she loves me? Will she not depart as suddenly as she came? To-morrow, I fear I shall find her no more.”

 

A commonplace, practical reply, out of the train of his own disturbed ideas, was, I was sure, the best and most reassuring for him in this frame of mind. I passed my finger over his eyebrows, and remarked that they were scorched, and that I would apply something which would make them grow as broad and black as ever.

 

“Where is the use of doing me good in any way, beneficent spirit, when, at some fatal moment, you will again desert me—passing like a shadow, whither and how to me unknown, and for me remaining afterwards undiscoverable?

 

“Have you a pocket-comb about you, sir?”

 

“What for, Jane?”

 

“Just to comb out this shaggy black mane. I find you rather alarming, when I examine you close at hand: you talk of my being a fairy, but I am sure, you are more like a brownie.”

 

“Am I hideous, Jane?”

 

“Very, sir: you always were, you know.”

 

“Humph! The wickedness has not been taken out of you, wherever you have sojourned.”

 

“Yet I have been with good people; far better than you: a hundred times better people; possessed of ideas and views you never entertained in your life: quite more refined and exalted.”

 

“Who the deuce have you been with?”

 

“If you twist in that way you will make me pull the hair out of your head; and then I think you will cease to entertain doubts of my substantiality.”

 

“Who have you been with, Jane?”

 

“You shall not get it out of me to-night, sir; you must wait till to-morrow; to leave my tale half told, will, you know, be a sort of security that I shall appear at your breakfast table to finish it. By the bye, I must mind not to rise on your hearth with only a glass of water then: I must bring an egg at the least, to say nothing of fried ham.”

 

“You mocking changeling—fairy-born and human-bred! You make me feel as I have not felt these twelve months. If Saul could have had you for his David, the evil spirit would have been exorcised without the aid of the harp.”

 

“There, sir, you are redd up and made decent. Now I’ll leave you: I have been travelling these last three days, and I believe I am tired. Good night.”

 

“Just one word, Jane: were there only ladies in the house where you have been?”

 

I laughed and made my escape, still laughing as I ran upstairs. “A good idea!” I thought with glee. “I see I have the means of fretting him out of his melancholy for some time to come.”

 

Very early the next morning I heard him up and astir, wandering from one room to another. As soon as Mary came down I heard the question: “Is Miss Eyre here?” Then: “Which room did you put her into? Was it dry? Is she up? Go and ask if she wants anything; and when she will come down.”

 

I came down as soon as I thought there was a prospect of breakfast. Entering the room very softly, I had a view of him before he discovered my presence. It was mournful, indeed, to witness the subjugation of that vigorous spirit to a corporeal infirmity. He sat in his chair—still, but not at rest: expectant evidently; the lines of now habitual sadness marking his strong features. His countenance reminded one of a lamp quenched, waiting to be re-lit—and alas! it was not himself that could now kindle the lustre of animated expression: he was dependent on another for that office! I had meant to be gay and careless, but the powerlessness of the strong man touched my heart to the quick: still I accosted him with what vivacity I could.

 

“It is a bright, sunny morning, sir,” I said. “The rain is over and gone, and there is a tender shining after it: you shall have a walk soon.”

 

I had wakened the glow: his features beamed.

 

“Oh, you are indeed there, my skylark! Come to me. You are not gone: not vanished? I heard one of your kind an hour ago, singing high over the wood: but its song had no music for me, any more than the rising sun had rays. All the melody on earth is concentrated in my Jane’s tongue to my ear (I am glad it is not naturally a silent one): all the sunshine I can feel is in her presence.”

 

The water stood in my eyes to hear this avowal of his dependence; just as if a royal eagle, chained to a perch, should be forced to entreat a sparrow to become its purveyor. But I would not be lachrymose: I dashed off the salt drops, and busied myself with preparing breakfast.

 

Most of the morning was spent in the open air. I led him out of the wet and wild wood into some cheerful fields: I described to him how brilliantly green they were; how the flowers and hedges looked refreshed; how sparklingly blue was the sky. I sought a seat for him in a hidden and lovely spot, a dry stump of a tree; nor did I refuse to let him, when seated, place me on his knee. Why should I, when both he and I were happier near than apart? Pilot lay beside us: all was quiet. He broke out suddenly while clasping me in his arms—

 

“Cruel, cruel deserter! Oh, Jane, what did I feel when I discovered you had fled from Thornfield, and when I could nowhere find you; and, after examining your apartment, ascertained that you had taken no money, nor anything which could serve as an equivalent! A pearl necklace I had given you lay untouched in its little casket; your trunks were left corded and locked as they had been prepared for the bridal tour. What could my darling do, I asked, left destitute and penniless? And what did she do? Let me hear now.”

 

Thus urged, I began the narrative of my experience for the last year. I softened considerably what related to the three days of wandering and starvation, because to have told him all would have been to inflict unnecessary pain: the little I did say lacerated his faithful heart deeper than I wished.

 

I should not have left him thus, he said, without any means of making my way: I should have told him my intention. I should have confided in him: he would never have forced me to be his mistress. Violent as he had seemed in his despair, he, in truth, loved me far too well and too tenderly to constitute himself my tyrant: he would have given me half his fortune, without demanding so much as a kiss in return, rather than I should have flung myself friendless on the wide world. I had endured, he was certain, more than I had confessed to him.

 

“Well, whatever my sufferings had been, they were very short,” I answered: and then I proceeded to tell him how I had been received at Moor House; how I had obtained the office of schoolmistress, &c. The accession of fortune, the discovery of my relations, followed in due order. Of course, St. John Rivers’ name came in frequently in the progress of my tale. When I had done, that name was immediately taken up.

 

“This St. John, then, is your cousin?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“You have spoken of him often: do you like him?”

 

“He was a very good man, sir; I could not help liking him.”

 

“A good man. Does that mean a respectable well-conducted man of fifty? Or what does it mean?”

 

“St John was only twenty-nine, sir.”

 

“‘Jeune encore,’ as the French say. Is he a person of low stature, phlegmatic, and plain. A person whose goodness consists rather in his guiltlessness of vice, than in his prowess in virtue.”

 

“He is untiringly active. Great and exalted deeds are what he lives to perform.”

 

“But his brain? That is probably rather soft? He means well: but you shrug your shoulders to hear him talk?”

 

“He talks little, sir: what he does say is ever to the point. His brain is first-rate, I should think not impressible, but vigorous.”

 

“Is he an able man, then?”

 

“Truly able.”

 

“A thoroughly educated man?”

 

“St. John is an accomplished and profound scholar.”

 

“His manners, I think, you said are not to your taste?—priggish and parsonic?”

 

“I never mentioned his manners; but, unless I had a very bad taste, they must suit it; they are polished, calm, and gentlemanlike.”

 

“His appearance,—I forget what description you gave of his appearance;—a sort of raw curate, half strangled with his white neckcloth, and stilted up on his thick-soled high-lows, eh?”

 

“St. John dresses well. He is a handsome man: tall, fair, with blue eyes, and a Grecian profile.”

 

(Aside.) “Damn him!”—(To me.) “Did you like him, Jane?”

 

“Yes, Mr. Rochester, I liked him: but you asked me that before.”

 

I perceived, of course, the drift of my interlocutor. Jealousy had got hold of him: she stung him; but the sting was salutary: it gave him respite from the gnawing fang of melancholy. I would not, therefore, immediately charm the snake.

 

“Perhaps you would rather not sit any longer on my knee, Miss Eyre?” was the next somewhat unexpected observation.

 

“Why not, Mr. Rochester?”

 

“The picture you have just drawn is suggestive of a rather too overwhelming contrast. Your words have delineated very prettily a graceful Apollo: he is present to your imagination,—tall, fair, blue-eyed, and with a Grecian profile. Your eyes dwell on a Vulcan,—a real blacksmith, brown, broad-shouldered: and blind and lame into the bargain.”

 

“I never thought of it, before; but you certainly are rather like Vulcan, sir.”

 

“Well, you can leave me, ma’am: but before you go” (and he retained me by a firmer grasp than ever), “you will be pleased just to answer me a question or two.” He paused.

 

“What questions, Mr. Rochester?”

 

Then followed this cross-examination.

 

“St. John made you schoolmistress of Morton before he knew you were his cousin?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“You would often see him? He would visit the school sometimes?”

 

“Daily.”

 

“He would approve of your plans, Jane? I know they would be clever, for you are a talented creature!”

 

“He approved of them—yes.”

 

“He would discover many things in you he could not have expected to find? Some of your accomplishments are not ordinary.”

 

“I don’t know about that.”

 

“You had a little cottage near the school, you say: did he ever come there to see you?”

 

“Now and then?”

 

“Of an evening?”

 

“Once or twice.”

 

A pause.

 

“How long did you reside with him and his sisters after the cousinship was discovered?”

 

“Five months.”

 

“Did Rivers spend much time with the ladies of his family?”

 

“Yes; the back parlour was both his study and ours: he sat near the window, and we by the table.”

 

“Did he study much?”

 

“A good deal.”

 

“What?”

 

“Hindostanee.”

 

“And what did you do meantime?”

 

“I learnt German, at first.”

 

“Did he teach you?”

 

“He did not understand German.”

 

“Did he teach you nothing?”

 

“A little Hindostanee.”

 

“Rivers taught you Hindostanee?”

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

“And his sisters also?”

 

“No.”

 

“Only you?”

 

“Only me.”

 

“Did you ask to learn?”

 

“No.”

 

“He wished to teach you?”

 

“Yes.”

 

A second pause.

 

“Why did he wish it? Of what use could Hindostanee be to you?”

 

“He intended me to go with him to India.”

 

“Ah! here I reach the root of the matter. He wanted you to marry him?”

 

“He asked me to marry him.”

 

“That is a fiction—an impudent invention to vex me.”

 

“I beg your pardon, it is the literal truth: he asked me more than once, and was as stiff about urging his point as ever you could be.”

 

“Miss Eyre, I repeat it, you can leave me. How often am I to say the same thing? Why do you remain pertinaciously perched on my knee, when I have given you notice to quit?”

 

“Because I am comfortable there.”

 

“No, Jane, you are not comfortable there, because your heart is not with me: it is with this cousin—this St. John. Oh, till this moment, I thought my little Jane was all mine! I had a belief she loved me even when she left me: that was an atom of sweet in much bitter. Long as we have been parted, hot tears as I have wept over our separation, I never thought that while I was mourning her, she was loving another! But it is useless grieving. Jane, leave me: go and marry Rivers.”

 

“Shake me off, then, sir,—push me away, for I’ll not leave you of my own accord.”

 

“Jane, I ever like your tone of voice: it still renews hope, it sounds so truthful. When I hear it, it carries me back a year. I forget that you have formed a new tie. But I am not a fool—go—”

 

“Where must I go, sir?”

 

“Your own way—with the husband you have chosen.”

 

“Who is that?”

 

“You know—this St. John Rivers.”

 

“He is not my husband, nor ever will be. He does not love me: I do not love him. He loves (as he can love, and that is not as you love) a beautiful young lady called Rosamond. He wanted to marry me only because he thought I should make a suitable missionary’s wife, which she would not have done. He is good and great, but severe; and, for me, cold as an iceberg. He is not like you, sir: I am not happy at his side, nor near him, nor with him. He has no indulgence for me—no fondness. He sees nothing attractive in me; not even youth—only a few useful mental points.—Then I must leave you, sir, to go to him?”

 

I shuddered involuntarily, and clung instinctively closer to my blind but beloved master. He smiled.

 

“What, Jane! Is this true? Is such really the state of matters between you and Rivers?”

 

“Absolutely, sir! Oh, you need not be jealous! I wanted to tease you a little to make you less sad: I thought anger would be better than grief. But if you wish me to love you, could you but see how much I do love you, you would be proud and content. All my heart is yours, sir: it belongs to you; and with you it would remain, were fate to exile the rest of me from your presence for ever.”

 

Again, as he kissed me, painful thoughts darkened his aspect.

 

“My seared vision! My crippled strength!” he murmured regretfully.

 

I caressed, in order to soothe him. I knew of what he was thinking, and wanted to speak for him, but dared not. As he turned aside his face a minute, I saw a tear slide from under the sealed eyelid, and trickle down the manly cheek. My heart swelled.

 

“I am no better than the old lightning-struck chestnut-tree in Thornfield orchard,” he remarked ere long. “And what right would that ruin have to bid a budding woodbine cover its decay with freshness?”

 

“You are no ruin, sir—no lightning-struck tree: you are green and vigorous. Plants will grow about your roots, whether you ask them or not, because they take delight in your bountiful shadow; and as they grow they will lean towards you, and wind round you, because your strength offers them so safe a prop.”

 

Again he smiled: I gave him comfort.

 

“You speak of friends, Jane?” he asked.

 

“Yes, of friends,” I answered rather hesitatingly: for I knew I meant more than friends, but could not tell what other word to employ. He helped me.

 

“Ah! Jane. But I want a wife.”

 

“Do you, sir?”

 

“Yes: is it news to you?”

 

“Of course: you said nothing about it before.”

 

“Is it unwelcome news?”

 

“That depends on circumstances, sir—on your choice.”

 

“Which you shall make for me, Jane. I will abide by your decision.”

 

“Choose then, sir—her who loves you best.”

 

“I will at least choose—her I love best. Jane, will you marry me?”

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

“A poor blind man, whom you will have to lead about by the hand?”

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

“A crippled man, twenty years older than you, whom you will have to wait on?”

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

“Truly, Jane?”

 

“Most truly, sir.”

 

“Oh! my darling! God bless you and reward you!”

 

“Mr. Rochester, if ever I did a good deed in my life—if ever I thought a good thought—if ever I prayed a sincere and blameless prayer—if ever I wished a righteous wish,—I am rewarded now. To be your wife is, for me, to be as happy as I can be on earth.”

 

“Because you delight in sacrifice.”

 

“Sacrifice! What do I sacrifice? Famine for food, expectation for content. To be privileged to put my arms round what I value—to press my lips to what I love—to repose on what I trust: is that to make a sacrifice? If so, then certainly I delight in sacrifice.”

 

“And to bear with my infirmities, Jane: to overlook my deficiencies.”

 

“Which are none, sir, to me. I love you better now, when I can really be useful to you, than I did in your state of proud independence, when you disdained every part but that of the giver and protector.”

 

“Hitherto I have hated to be helped—to be led: henceforth, I feel I shall hate it no more. I did not like to put my hand into a hireling’s, but it is pleasant to feel it circled by Jane’s little fingers. I preferred utter loneliness to the constant attendance of servants; but Jane’s soft ministry will be a perpetual joy. Jane suits me: do I suit her?”

 

“To the finest fibre of my nature, sir.”

 

“The case being so, we have nothing in the world to wait for: we must be married instantly.”

 

He looked and spoke with eagerness: his old impetuosity was rising.

 

“We must become one flesh without any delay, Jane: there is but the licence to get—then we marry.”

 

“Mr. Rochester, I have just discovered the sun is far declined from its meridian, and Pilot is actually gone home to his dinner. Let me look at your watch.”

 

“Fasten it into your girdle, Janet, and keep it henceforward: I have no use for it.”

 

“It is nearly four o’clock in the afternoon, sir. Don’t you feel hungry?”

 

“The third day from this must be our wedding-day, Jane. Never mind fine clothes and jewels, now: all that is not worth a fillip.”

 

“The sun has dried up all the rain-drops, sir. The breeze is still: it is quite hot.”

 

“Do you know, Jane, I have your little pearl necklace at this moment fastened round my bronze scrag under my cravat? I have worn it since the day I lost my only treasure, as a memento of her.”

 

“We will go home through the wood: that will be the shadiest way.”

 

He pursued his own thoughts without heeding me.

 

“Jane! you think me, I daresay, an irreligious dog: but my heart swells with gratitude to the beneficent God of this earth just now. He sees not as man sees, but far clearer: judges not as man judges, but far more wisely. I did wrong: I would have sullied my innocent flower—breathed guilt on its purity: the Omnipotent snatched it from me. I, in my stiff-necked rebellion, almost cursed the dispensation: instead of bending to the decree, I defied it. Divine justice pursued its course; disasters came thick on me: I was forced to pass through the valley of the shadow of death. His chastisements are mighty; and one smote me which has humbled me for ever. You know I was proud of my strength: but what is it now, when I must give it over to foreign guidance, as a child does its weakness? Of late, Jane—only—only of late—I began to see and acknowledge the hand of God in my doom. I began to experience remorse, repentance; the wish for reconcilement to my Maker. I began sometimes to pray: very brief prayers they were, but very sincere.

 

“Some days since: nay, I can number them—four; it was last Monday night, a singular mood came over me: one in which grief replaced frenzy—sorrow, sullenness. I had long had the impression that since I could nowhere find you, you must be dead. Late that night—perhaps it might be between eleven and twelve o’clock—ere I retired to my dreary rest, I supplicated God, that, if it seemed good to Him, I might soon be taken from this life, and admitted to that world to come, where there was still hope of rejoining Jane.

 

“I was in my own room, and sitting by the window, which was open: it soothed me to feel the balmy night-air; though I could see no stars and only by a vague, luminous haze, knew the presence of a moon. I longed for thee, Janet! Oh, I longed for thee both with soul and flesh! I asked of God, at once in anguish and humility, if I had not been long enough desolate, afflicted, tormented; and might not soon taste bliss and peace once more. That I merited all I endured, I acknowledged—that I could scarcely endure more, I pleaded; and the alpha and omega of my heart’s wishes broke involuntarily from my lips in the words—‘Jane! Jane! Jane!’”

 

“Did you speak these words aloud?”

 

“I did, Jane. If any listener had heard me, he would have thought me mad: I pronounced them with such frantic energy.”

 

“And it was last Monday night, somewhere near midnight?”

 

“Yes; but the time is of no consequence: what followed is the strange point. You will think me superstitious,—some superstition I have in my blood, and always had: nevertheless, this is true—true at least it is that I heard what I now relate.

 

“As I exclaimed ‘Jane! Jane! Jane!’ a voice—I cannot tell whence the voice came, but I know whose voice it was—replied, ‘I am coming: wait for me;’ and a moment after, went whispering on the wind the words—‘Where are you?’

 

“I’ll tell you, if I can, the idea, the picture these words opened to my mind: yet it is difficult to express what I want to express. Ferndean is buried, as you see, in a heavy wood, where sound falls dull, and dies unreverberating. ‘Where are you?’ seemed spoken amongst mountains; for I heard a hill-sent echo repeat the words. Cooler and fresher at the moment the gale seemed to visit my brow: I could have deemed that in some wild, lone scene, I and Jane were meeting. In spirit, I believe we must have met. You no doubt were, at that hour, in unconscious sleep, Jane: perhaps your soul wandered from its cell to comfort mine; for those were your accents—as certain as I live—they were yours!”