November 2011 - Present Day 14 страница

Pausing, I pull away and pick up the cup. Fingering the pearls that are no longer connected to their splendid strands, I say, “She wore these pearls all the time. Whenever I visited her house she would put them around my neck and call them magic wishing wells.”

Swallowing, I set the cup back down and draw imaginary circles around my neck before continuing. “Grammy would always tell me that wearing these pearls would make all my dreams come true.” Sighing, I take a deep breath and add, “When she died, they became my aunt’s and then when my aunt died, they became mine.”

I collapse back to the ground and hang my head in my hands unable to bear the pain any longer. His strong arms surround me, and he whispers into my ear, “She sounds like an amazing woman. We’ll get her magic back, Dahlia, we will. But right now, you need to take a break.”

River’s words soothe my pain and as he pulls back, I catch his loving gaze. Exhaling the breath I’ve been holding, I feel a sense of calmness flow through my veins. New

emotions bubble to the surface as I throw myself toward him. Clutching his face and staring into his eyes, the words I’ve been unable to say suddenly pour out. “River, I love you.”

He hugs me tighter than I ever remember being hugged, and after a few moments of just embracing each other, he whispers into my ear, “I love you, too. So much. Please let me take care of this for you.” Pulling away, he crosses his finger over his heart. “I promise to pick up all the rest of the pearls off the floor.”

 

I’m sitting on the front porch texting Grace that we will be by in a little bit. I’d assured her I was fine earlier when I called her, but she insisted we come by for dinner once the break-in had been reported. She also invited Serena. I’m a little apprehensive about River meeting her. She looks so much like Ben, same hair color, same forget-me-not blue eyes that after just seeing Ben’s picture, River might be a little freaked out.

After nearly three hours, the police finally finished taking their report, collecting fingerprint samples, asking me about missing items, and photographing the damage.

As I place my phone down on the side table, I rock one last time in the antique chair that adorns my front porch. A black Jeep pulls up to the curb. It’s still raining, but the flow has let up slightly. I recognize Ben’s best friend instantly as he gets out of the car. Caleb Holt walks the few steps to the porch and hugs me before saying a word. “You okay?”

Surprise clearly in my voice, I answer, “Yes. How did you know?”

“Serena called me right after you called Grace. She’s concerned about you and asked me to come by and check things out. Sorry it took so long for me to get here but I was in LA,” he says, walking toward the front door as River steps outside.

“Dahlia, I think I got everything you wanted. Your car is loaded so I’ll just throw this in mine,” he tells me while holding a crate of my most cherished but broken items in his arms.

Almost bumping right into River, Caleb’s eyes flicker to mine and I can see he has no idea I’m here with another man.

They assess each other as they stand there just staring at one another. River sets the bin on the old wooden planks and glances at me, his eyes searching mine for answers. I introduce my once fiancé’s best friend to my new boyfriend. The moment is awkward as neither says a word at first. Finally, River extends his hand as Caleb hesitantly shakes it.

“Sorry, I thought you were alone and needed help getting your stuff together to go stay at Grace’s house,” Caleb says, moving aside to let River pass.

River strides over to me and stands as close as he can. I grab his hand reassuring him that I’m okay.

“I think we got it all,” River says as he drops my hand and moves back over to get the crate. “Let me just load this in the car while the rain has let up.”

As River walks down the pathway to the street where his car is parked, Caleb looks at me. “Sorry, I didn’t realize.”

“Caleb, it’s okay. I wanted you to meet River anyway.” Then glancing at my strong, but tender man loading his car, I add, “I’m actually going to stay at his house until I can get this mess cleaned up.”

Nodding his head, he asks, “Mind if I take a look?”

Scrubbing my eyes with my palms from the pure mental exhaustion of the whole day, I tell him, “Not at all, but it’s a wreck. Police think a gang of kids broke in since nothing was taken.”

He walks inside.

River comes back and I wrap my arms around him, resting my head on his shoulder. “Thank you.”

Snaking his arms around my waist, he kisses my nose. “You don’t have to thank me, Dahlia.”

Loosening my embrace, I search his eyes. “Caleb is a Navy Seal and Ben’s best friend since we were seven. We all grew up together on the beach.”

He shrugs his shoulders as he releases me and grabs my hand. “What’s he doing in there?”

“He said he wanted to check it out.”

“Why?”

“No idea,” I say as I follow beside him, but stop at the doorway. “I don’t want to go back in there, River.”

“Okay baby, let me just see if he’s finished and we’ll go.”

Watching River walk down the hall that leads to what used to be Ben’s bedroom and mine feels strange to me. If it bothers River, he does a great job of hiding it, and I suddenly realize that finding my past in pieces has actually brought me closer to my future.

 

 

Before leaving the house, River and Caleb walked through it, securing all the windows and doors. They didn’t have long conversations or even really look at each other, but they did agree they would meet here on Saturday to move the unsalvageable furniture from the house to the curb. The police found no evidence of forced entry, which bothers me. How did someone get in? One officer told me the perpetrator knew what they were doing and probably picked one of the old locks. Then he added that maybe they had a key. I found this unsettling and preferred to think it was what the other officer had told me; that teens broke in for their own sick fun. Either way, whoever did this, did it with the intent of making my home a battlefield. It doesn’t matter who it was, what they did is unforgivable.

Pulling out of my driveway with every salvageable memento in the back of my 2009 white Audi Q7, I can clearly see my home’s exterior is in need of just as many repairs as its interior now is. I’ve known the siding needed re-shingling and the roof needed

replacement for a long time. Ben and I had planned to make those improvements. They were top on our list, but when our list became my list, I just didn’t care anymore about it or the house. Now, for some reason, I do. Its sad, broken condition reminds me so much of myself before I met River. I just want to reach out and heal it like River has helped heal me. But just like me, it’s no easy fix. Sure the outside repairs are simple; hire contractors to replace and repair the worn items. It’s the inside that’s not as simple and like my own healing process, it will take time.

Shaking my head, I wonder how a house left empty for only six days could now look like a war zone, and just like refugees, the battle has left me homeless. But unlike the refugees, I have a safe-haven where I can stay.

As I drive past the For Sale sign in my front yard, I’m sad that I might never spend another night in that house. That I might never get to feel the warmth and comfort that I used to embrace so willingly before Ben was killed. Ben and I loved that house, picket fence and all. I remember telling Ben I never wanted to move. Our house had everything I needed, everything that was important to me: close beach proximity, the most amazing garden, a tranquil back yard, and a front porch where we could grow old and tell stories of our adventures to our grandkids.

The sadness that now emblazons within me is not without cause. For someone to want to destroy another’s personal possessions is beyond my comprehension. The things they randomly destroyed were my lifeline to my past, all I had left of the people I loved so much. Seeing my pearls ripped apart like that, taken from a beautiful circle of hope, and turned into small desolate islands broke me once more but this time I was not alone. River was there to soothe me. After silencing my sorrow and wiping my tears with his presence, he discussed what to do next. Call the police, gather anything I wanted to take, and head back to his house.

I did agree to go back to his house, but only for the night. He didn’t want me to be alone and honestly neither did I. He agreed to stop at Grace’s first for dinner and to unload the things I wanted to keep safe, but didn’t agree with me staying at Grace’s. He wanted me to stay with him. I explained that I not only need to be closer than sixty minutes from my house for the numerous repair estimates I’m going to have to arrange, but that I need to work on making myself whole before I can think of living with him. He didn’t question my statement, he didn’t argue, but he also didn’t agree. Maybe sensing my confused state of mind, he let it be. Instead, he kissed me and held me tight.

Pulling up to Grace’s house, I realize the storm is just about over. The wind seems to be calmer and the huge clouds that loomed over me, like a dark umbrella that felt so close I could almost touch them, are dissipating.

Standing in the driveway and waiting for River, a cool breeze of wind blasts over me as a ray of sunshine gleams down. As I look up to the sky a small drop of rain falls on my cheek, so fine and light I don’t even bother wiping it away. This is one tear I welcome. The smell of wet sand infiltrates my senses as the rain clears its way for a beautiful starry night.

I feel slightly nervous about introducing Grace to River. Although Grace is the woman who helped me through my adolescent years by teaching me how to drive, taking me

shopping for my prom dress, helping me fill out my college applications, and even bringing me to my first gynecologist visit to put me on birth control, she’s also Ben’s mother. I’m sure she will accept a new man in my life, in fact I know she will, but nonetheless it will be awkward to introduce my once fiancé’s mother to my new boyfriend at her house. Because she’s an amazing woman and because I love her as if she were my mother, I want her to meet him and him to meet her. She’s who I aspire to be.

She’s shorter than I am with shoulder length blonde hair. Her creamy porcelain skin never ages and her deep blue eyes are always tranquil. She’s not only beautiful, but she sees the world through rose-colored glasses. She very rarely lets anything get her down. She’s strong and independent, fun and loving, caring and nurturing. She’s everything a girl would want in a mother, and I was lucky to have her willingly take on that role when my own loving mother no longer could.

Serena is also an amazing woman whom I’m sure will accept that I have a new man in my life. She helped me through her brother’s death with such love and understanding, I feel like she is my sister too.

Walking down the stone-paved driveway toward River, I notice he’s on the phone in his car. I stop, and glancing over my shoulder, I just stare at the ocean that makes me instantly smile. I love everything about the beach: its smell, its sounds, the surf, and its nature perfect picture. I haven’t walked on it in so long. I actually haven’t dipped my toes in the sand since... I shake that thought out of my head. I have enough sad thoughts I’m trying to push aside. The beach is a constant reminder of Ben. Each time I’ve come to Grace’s over the past two years, I’ve stayed inside, refusing to recognize or embrace the calm beauty of nature’s most magnificent and amazing wonder. Now I welcome it. I’ve missed it, and I want to run towards it.

“Hey, you okay?” he says, closing his car door.

I turn, and instead of running to the beach, I run to him. Watching him inhale the crisp clean breeze, I throw my arms around his neck and inhale his fresh scent. He feels just like a warm breeze with its entire splendor as he wraps his arms around me and hugs me tightly.

“I’m more than okay,” I say as I pull back and stand there, closing my eyes. I open my arms wide, feeling the beauty of the ocean and letting my own residual sadness be swept away by the sea air. I hear chuckling, and suddenly, soft lips and strong hands meld to me. I now know that he’s my home. The house we just left is now nothing but a house. Tugging on his hand, I pull him toward the front door. “Come on, I have some special ladies I want you to meet.”

Grace must have heard the cars in the driveway because she steps outside before we can knock. She’s wearing a simple wrap dress and flat sandals with her usual diamond earrings and the wedding band she’s never removed, even though her husband died more than twenty years ago.

She smiles at me with relief in her eyes before she throws her arms around me. “Dahlia honey, are you okay?” she asks as she pulls back and clutches my shoulders.

“Grace, the house is a wreck,” I say, trying not to cry. “But, I’m fine.”

She stares at me for a few seconds. I know she’s making sure that I really am okay

because she’s searching my eyes like she does every time she sees me.

Just as I’m about to introduce her to River, she beats me to it.

She smiles and puts her hand out to him. “Hi, you must be River,” she says with a warm comforting look in her blue eyes. “It’s so nice to meet you. I’ve heard so many wonderful things about you.”

River immediately responds with an adorable grin on his face. “Mrs. Covington, it’s nice to meet you too. I’ve heard just as many about you,” he says, shaking her hand. He really is charming.

“Call me Grace,” she says as she drops his hand and hugs him. I hear her whisper, “Thank you,” in his ear, and his grin turns into a full megawatt smile, which in turn makes me smile and melts my heart.

Looking around, I notice Serena’s car isn’t here. “Where’s Serena?”

“She had to pick Trent up at a basketball game and take him to a friends, so she couldn’t make it.”

“Oh, that’s too bad,” I say, a little sad that she couldn’t be here. “I’ll call her later.”

Staring out toward the beach, I think, yes, I’m still upset about my house and everything that is destroyed, but I see hope in my future and that is worth smiling about. Grace looks at me and I don’t make her search for anything, instead I give her my biggest brightest smile, the one that finally reappeared the day I reconnected with River.

 

 

MEMORIES

 

 

All of my memories have kept you close In silent moments I’ve imagined here

In silent tears I promised to keep you near I’ve finally found my way back into this life Give me a sign you’re okay so I can move on.

 

 

Leaning into my car, he softly kisses my lips. “You can stay here you know. You don’t have to go back,” he says for the second time since we woke up. He pulls back and caresses my cheek. I sigh and look up at his pleading eyes, then shift to take in all of his beautiful face, strong chin, perfect nose, and full lips.

Looking down to avoid eye contact, I move my mouth to his hand. “River, we’ve talked about this. We can’t move in together after knowing each other for one week.” I say this, but I’m aware that he knows it’s not my only reason for heading back to Laguna Beach.

“I disagree, you know,” he grins as his eyes slide from my face to the words printed on my Smashing Pumpkins Teargarden Tour concert t-shirt. “You could at least stay one more night.”

Rolling my eyes, I look back up at him and smile. “Then tomorrow you‘d just say the same thing.”

He surprises me but not saying how hot he thinks I look, but instead simply says, “You think you know me that well already?”

“Well wouldn’t you?”

Shrugging his shoulders, he leans in again and kisses me a little longer this time before saying, “Why don’t you stick around and find out for yourself?”

I laugh and shove him out the window. “Enough with the long goodbyes. I’ll see you in two days.”

Moving away from the car and putting both hands in his pockets, he grins his sexy grin at me. “Catch you later, beautiful girl.”

Gazing at him and giggling at his reference to one of my favorite Smashing Pumpkins songs, Perfect, I blow him a kiss. “I’ll call you when I get there. Oh, and River?” I wait for him to look at me. When he does I say to him, for only the second time ever, “I love you.”

Smiling at me, he quickly opens my door and pulls me to him. My heart responds to his touch as it starts to beat faster. I close my eyes and lean into him, he smells so good, fresh from the shower. I press my palms against his chest and I swear I not only feel his heart beating but also hear it just as loudly. He cups my chin and looks at me intensely. “I love you so much.”

Traffic is light, as I drive the sixty minutes or so back to Laguna Beach. I’m enjoying the tranquility of the enchanting starry night as I reflect back on the past week and how my life has changed so drastically. My emotions range from high to low, I’m happy and I’m sad.

Glancing over at the empty passenger seat while stopped at a red light, I pick up the small black rectangular picture frame I put there yesterday. The glass is gone, but the photograph, still perfect, is of my father, mother, and myself at Disneyland. I clutch it tightly against my chest remembering the fun we always had together. God, I wish they were still here with me. I miss them so much.

Tears stream down my cheeks as I’m driving, but they are tears of reflection more than sadness. We were able to collect most of my memories. Yes, most are broken and in need of repair, but I still have them to keep and treasure. The only unsalvageable items were Ben’s journals. As River crated the broken photographs and frames, I flattened all Ben’s hand scripted pages, flattened them, and put them in a box. I’d never read his most private thoughts and I don’t think I ever will, but I want to keep them nonetheless.

Over the course of the week, I’d finally let Ben go. He will always be with me, but I have made room for someone else in my heart now. Grace’s words echo in my mind right now as I recall our goodbye last night standing outside my car. She knew I would be back tonight, but we both were aware that when I returned I would no longer be Ben Covington’s fiancé, as I’d often been referred to after his death.

Last night, as I took the engagement ring that I’d tucked away so many days ago out of my purse, I clutched it tightly before handing it to her. River was waiting for me in his car. I was going to follow him home in mine. Glancing over at him, I smiled and took a deep breath. I knew the time was right. “Grace, please keep it safe for me.”

She hugged me tightly. “Dahlia honey, I will. You deserve to be happy and you’re ready for this, for him,” she said, looking over the man she knew I loved. “Don’t cling to the remnants of your life that have been snatched away from you. Instead, look forward to your future. I know I do.” We were both crying as we said goodbye. I knew then that when I arrived at her house tonight she would be the same loving woman she always has been, but she would no longer be my future mother-in-law.

Now, driving down Grace’s street I stop at the end of the stone driveway and slowly

walk to the beach. I haven’t visited our favorite spot since he died, and I’ve missed it. The moonlit path is visible, and the old weathered planks creak beneath my feet as I cross the divide like I’ve done a thousand times before. Looking up, the dark heavens are shining with twinkling stars, and I truly believe my family and Ben are smiling down on me. The waves splash through the surf, and it’s music to my ears. The full moon’s beams reflect off the glistening sand and make it sparkle like diamonds. The ebb and flow of the water moves quickly, crashing against the rocks as the white froth of sea dances across the shore.

I bend down and untie my sneakers. Taking my Converse shoes off, I tuck my phone in one and leave them in the dunes. Inhaling deeply, I hesitantly start my walk through what I have thought of as quicksand for the past two years.

As the moonlight flickers across the beach, it’s as if the exhilarated moon is blinking its eyes at me, guiding my way to the beloved shore. I feel like this place is readying me for the peaceful nights that will hopefully come after I leave, after I say my goodbyes.

The soft sand feels like grains of sugar beneath my feet and it comforts me as I approach the shore. Reaching the water, I release the breath I’ve been holding and think of Ben in the surf, on his board enjoying the waves. Thoughts of all our fun times here on the beach make me smile.

A cool wind blows through the air with determination, as if it’s trying to get somewhere. The beautiful palm trees, bent back from so many past storms, seem close enough to almost kiss the ground.

I roll up my jeans as the healing water swirls around me, creating a whirlpool effect around my ankles. Looking out into the darkness, the ocean seems to be laughing as it bounces up and down.

I sit down and slowly immerse myself in the water, taking deep cleansing breaths. I sit here, for I don’t know how long, and let the water wash away my pain as I reacquaint myself with one of my favorite places. I know I’ll never forget Ben regardless of the tangible things I may have lost; his spirit will always be with me.

Standing up, I look back up to the heavens and smile. I will never stay away from this place again. I love the beach, not despite the memories I have of it, but because of them. I realize that although my memories might fade, they will always be the beacons on my path to the future, and I’m surprisingly at ease with that.

As I head back to Grace’s house and approach the dunes, I laugh out loud as I hear Justin Timberlake’s voice sing through the night. “Hey sexy.”

I hear a chuckle on the other end of the phone. “That’s my line, sexy girl. Miss me yet?”

“I’ve only been gone a few hours,” I say, walking back to my car. “But yeah, I do.”

 

 

MILES APART

 

 

We are miles apart, but you’re in my heart I think about you all the time

We could make believe we’re not living apart Or you could consider turning it into reality Just remember you’re always in my heart.