Chapter 9

Anna spun by Carmen’s desk and picked up her messages. Thumbing through them quickly, she finally found the one she had been looking for since Tahoe. It was simple, just a checked box that said Lily had returned her call.

Which call? Anna had left no fewer than five messages in the past week. Lily had said in her note she would be busy through the holidays, but this was ridiculous. How did two people go from talking two or three times a day to not at all?

Turning to go upstairs to her office, she caught sight of two of her salesmen jostling each other for position near the door. “What’s going on with them?”

Carmen laughed. “They’ve been working the phones all day and realized they both have customers coming to look at the last 650 ragtop.”

“Are we already down to one?”

“Brad said we sold six this week, four of them right off the truck.”

December was their busiest month, thanks to the steep discounts they offered to clear the lot of inventory before the end of the year. With the added incentives for the sales force, they were closing over fifteen deals a day.

So it was just as well Lily was busy. Anna was busy too.

 

Lily reached for her cell phone but stopped short when she recognized the special ring. The office calls and e-mails had stopped when she told Anna that Tony was cracking down on personal communications at work because of their heavy workload. It was a white lie, but it tied in nicely with her excuse of being swamped at work.

Anna had done nothing wrong, certainly nothing that deserved a cold shoulder, but Lily had to get some distance between them, enough to let her feelings die down a bit. Someday she would be ready to hear all about Anna’s new relationship with Todd or Steve or whoever. But not while her heart was still on her sleeve.

At least the charade of having so much work to do around the holidays was paying dividends. Her cases were prepped all the way through January, and Lauren now owed her the farm, since Lily was covering her court appearances the week after Christmas. By the time New Year’s rolled around, she might feel like socializing a little.

Her desk phone rang, the display indicating a pay phone in Pasadena. She couldn’t recall having any clients out that way, but it wasn’t unusual for them to call on pay phones in emergencies.

“Lilian Stewart.”

“Should I be hurt that my cell phone’s getting bounced?”

Lily shuddered hard at the familiar voice. “I, uh... I was down in the conference room. Did you just call?”

Anna mumbled something that sounded like “only about a hundred times.”

“I’ve been slammed here. A lot of our clients have a hard time around the holidays. That’s why I’m having to work so late.”

“What is it about the holidays? I would think people would be in better moods.”

“We see a lot of stress because nobody has enough money.”

“I guess we take things for granted, don’t we?” It wasn’t really a question. “So other than working your tail off, how are you? I’ve missed you since Tahoe.”

“I’m doing all right,” she lied. “I’ll be better in January when I can come up for air.”

“You sound like you could use a break. Want to meet me for bite? I’m in Pasadena now, but I could be in your neighborhood in half an hour.”

“I was just getting ready to leave. I—”

“I can meet you somewhere else then. Just name it.”

In her heart, Lily knew Anna was just trying to be accommodating, but it felt more like a hard sell. “I can’t tonight. I have too much to do.”

“You poor creature. I thought I was busy, but I’m practically on vacation next to you. Why don’t you pick a day next week and we’ll meet? Any day’s good for me. I have some great news to tell you about—”

“I can’t commit, Anna. I’m sorry.” And she didn’t want to hear the great news about Todd.

“Please, Lily. I’ll bring a pizza to your office if that’s all you have time for. I just want to see you before Christmas.”

Her defenses evaporated when Anna said please. Seeing her again so soon would turn her insides upside down, but she needed to get it over with, especially since Anna wasn’t going to take no for an answer. The more Anna pressed, the harder it would be to say no without coming clean about why she left Tahoe.

“Okay, what about Wednesday?”

“Wednesday’s great. How about the Starfish in Marina del Rey?”

“Fine, but I have court on Thursday, so I can’t stay long.”

“Can you get there by seven?”

Lily couldn’t believe she had given in. She was already dreading it. “Yeah, seven.”

“I can’t wait to see you. Between your caseload and my end-of-year retail madness, we just have to work harder to make time for the people that matter. And you matter to me.”

A lump hardened in Lily’s throat. “You matter to me too.”

 

The week passed all too quickly for Lily, and before she knew it, Wednesday arrived. None of her feelings for Anna had settled, at least not where she wanted them to settle. If anything, she ached even more for the loss of their friendship, and for that little sliver of hope that had let her dream about more.

Over the weekend, she had tried to clear her head with a long solo hike, choosing the trail up Mount Disappointment because it fit her mood. The question that plagued her was whether or not she could set aside the feelings that had grown and be the friend Anna wanted.

She had decided to try. People like Anna Kaklis—people who mattered—didn’t come along often, and having the chance to share at least a part of her life would be worth the pain of unrequited love. Besides, the moment she entered the restaurant and spotted Anna at a table near the window, Lily tingled uncontrollably with happiness.

“Hi, stranger,” she said, all of her defenses falling as Anna leapt from her chair to envelop her in a hug.

“Look who’s talking. I was beginning to wonder if I’d ever see you again. You must be going crazy with all that work.”

Lily had decided on the way to the restaurant to stick with her original story as much as possible, that she would be busy at work at least until after the New Year. That would buy her some time to cool down a bit more, and to get used to the idea that Anna would be nothing more than a friend. “It’s a madhouse right now, but things should get back to normal when the holidays are over... and Tony will chill about everyone’s”—she made quote marks in the air with her fingers—“unnecessary personal communications.”

Anna shook her head. “He just doesn’t strike me as the kind of boss who’d clamp down on that sort of thing.”

“You don’t know Tony. He can get on the warpath when he wants to.”

The waitress came and took their order, giving Lily time to study Anna a bit closer. She looked unusually ragged, with slumped shoulders and tired eyes, but still she was the most beautiful woman in the room.

“You’ll never guess who I’m having dinner with on Friday,” Anna said, smiling broadly.

Lily’s stomach churned with dread. She wasn’t a good enough actress to feign excitement over an idiot like Todd. “I have no idea.”

“Leon Newhouse.”

Wonderful. Anna’s list of suitors was growing. “I don’t think I know him.”

“Staff Sergeant Leon Newhouse.”

Lily still had no idea who he was.

“Lateisha’s father is home. She called me and we’re all going to dinner on Friday night.”

Lily almost laughed with relief. “Anna, that’s fantastic.” It was more than fantastic. It was a perfect reminder of what kind of person Anna was, and why she mattered. “I’m so proud of you for being there for her. That really was a terrific thing to do.”

“I’ve had such fun. We went Christmas shopping last week. I managed to talk her into getting a few new outfits, but mostly she was focused on getting something nice for her dad. It was really sweet.”

Lily would have given anything to have been a fly on the wall for that shopping trip. As they ate, she heard the whole story in animated detail, including the hilarious account of Anna trying on a purple dress Lateisha thought she should wear.

“I’m just so lucky it didn’t fit.”

It felt good to laugh again, especially with Anna. How on earth had Lily thought she could live without this in her life? “It sounds like so much fun.”

“It was. Especially since Lateisha got the best present of all when her dad came home.”

They passed on dessert, but got coffee. Lily hated to leave, but she couldn’t let Anna know her work story had been a cover for dodging her company.

“I can’t believe another Christmas is here already,” Anna said.

“Me neither. Where did the year go?”

“There’s never enough time to get everything done. We’re running this sales contest at work, and the cars are flying out of there as soon as we can get them processed off the truck.”

“You must be working like crazy too.”

“I am. I can’t wait to relax this weekend. Hal’s friend Todd is down for a few days and we’re all going out on the boat Sunday. Can I tempt you to join us?”

To Lily, the sudden image of Todd and Anna huddling against the wind on Hal’s boat was like a kick in the chest. There was no way she could be this close to Anna if it meant getting her nose rubbed in their romance.

“No, I have to work.”

“Even on Sunday? Come on. Take a day off and join us.”

“I can’t,” she said, unable to keep the sharpness from her voice. She wanted nothing to do with their flirtatious antics. “My work is important. If you slack up on the car lot, that’s a few thousand dollars less in your pocket at the end of the month. If I do, women get slapped around, and kids get molested by their mother’s boyfriends. That’s why I have to work my ass off.”

Anna looked as if she had been struck.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t—” Lily couldn’t believe the words had come from her mouth.

“Look, I know what I do doesn’t hold a candle to your work. In fact, it shames me sometimes to think about how decadent our fancy cars are when some people don’t even have a way to get to work.”

“That’s not your fault.”

“I’ve always wanted to tell you”—Anna’s crystal blue eyes seared her—“that you’re a hero to me for the kind of work you do.”

Lily had never felt so ashamed of herself. If the earth had opened again and swallowed her, it would have been a fitting ending to the moment. She insisted on paying the check this time, and they parted with no plans to see each other again.

 

“What did I tell you? Gorgeous, isn’t it?” Kim held her arms wide in the foyer of the luxury condominium.

According to the sell sheet, it was twenty-two hundred square feet, two bedrooms and a loft, a private patio and a garage.

“It’s gated, so you won’t have to worry about unwelcome guests. And the maintenance fees are only eight hundred a month. That’s a steal in this neighborhood.”

“I don’t know. It’s okay, I guess.” Anna couldn’t seem to get enthused about any of the properties on Kim’s list. She knew it was time to give up the big house. She had never been comfortable there.

“I wonder what Lily would think about it. She’s got a pretty good sense of things.”

Anna saw through her sister’s suggestion. On Christmas Day, she had overheard Kim telling Martine she was back to working long hours and avoiding her family again, just as she had done when the trouble started in her marriage. And Kim was sure it had to do with Lily.

“Why don’t we call her and see if she’ll swing by?”

Anna walked away into the living room. “Does this fireplace work?”

“Yes. Did you just ignore me?”

Anna sighed and slumped on the low hearth. It had been a long five weeks since the restaurant, where they had left things on an awkward note. “Lily and I aren’t seeing each other much these days. She’s been really busy at work.”

“Busy at work, huh? Did you two have a fight or something?”

Anna shook her head, not meeting her sister’s eye. “No, nothing like that. I honestly don’t know what happened.” She related the circumstances as best she could. “I was ready to talk to her at Tahoe, and I would have. But then she got asthma that night and left without even saying good-bye. When we got back, I called, but she was never in. We finally got together for dinner the week before Christmas and things just sort of blew up.” She sighed again. “I must have done something, but I don’t know what it was.”

“What happened when you all were in the kitchen?”

“What do you mean?”

“At Tahoe, when you and Todd went to get drinks for everybody.” Kim cocked her head, as if straining to visualize the details. “Lily went in to help. Then she came back and said she was sick. Come to think of it, that’s the last time I saw her.”

Anna stood and started to pace the empty room. Clutching her head in her hands, the moment came back. “Shit! She came into the kitchen? Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

“Damn it!”

“What?”

“Todd kissed me.”

“He kissed you? Just out of the blue?”

“Yeah. But I stopped him. I told him I didn’t think of him that way. He said he was sorry, and everything was okay after that.”

“Except that Lily must have seen you.”

Anna shook her head with disbelief. Why hadn’t she thought of that? Of course that’s what happened. “So she thought... Todd...” She scrunched her face as she tried to imagine being interested in Hal’s friend. “And then I said that at the restaurant about Todd going with us on the boat. No wonder she got so upset all of a sudden. She thinks I’m seeing Todd.”

“So can’t you just tell her?”

“Tell her what? That I’m still available?” It was almost surreal to hear herself talking about Lily this way with her sister.

“Tell her everything. You can’t let her slip away without knowing how you feel.”

Anna was overwhelmed, not just at finally realizing what had gone wrong, but that she was talking about these feelings aloud again. Everyone saw it in her. She had fallen in love with Lily.

“Thanks, Kimmie.” She reached out both arms to hug her sister, then picked up her purse and started for the door. “You’re right. I have to fix this. I’m not even sure Lily feels the same way, especially after I’ve been so clueless.”

 

Lily stumbled to the door to stop the incessant ringing and pounding, the effects of which were exacerbated by an entire bottle of cabernet sauvignon. “Lay off, already. I’m not fucking deaf!” Fumbling with the dead bolt, she flung the door back without checking through the peephole. There in her doorway stood two very angry women.

“What the hell’s going on with you?” Suzanne demanded. “You don’t return our phone calls. You ignore our invitations.”

“Who the fuck do you think you are coming into my house and yelling at me like this?” She grabbed the door handle to steady herself. “Get the fuck out of here!”

“Lily,” Sandy said gently, glancing about at her filthy apartment. She stepped forward and folded Lily into an embrace.

Lily resisted at first, trying to turn away, but Sandy was bigger and held on tight. She finally relaxed. She wanted to cry, but the tears were gone.

“What’s this about, Lily? Is it Anna?”

She nodded. “You were right about her. And about me. I should have left her alone. I wanted her to fall in love with me. But she didn’t.”

“We told you that would happen,” Suzanne said. “We could see it coming a mile away.”

Lily sneered over Sandy’s shoulder, thinking Suzanne would rather be right than president.

“Shut up, Suzanne,” Sandy barked.

Even in her drunken state, Lily thought hearing that was worth letting them in.

“This is our fault,” Sandy continued.

“What do you mean our fault?”

“Yeah, what do you mean your fault?” Lily asked, annoyed to hear her words slurred.

“I mean Lily has been ignoring us since Thanksgiving because she didn’t want to hear us say I told you so.” She lifted Lily’s chin and looked her squarely in the eye. “We never meant for you to think we wouldn’t be here for you.”

“Even if I decided to wreck my own life?”

“Especially then.”

 

The revelation that Lily had pulled away from her because of Todd was just the first step in reconciling all that had transpired. The most straightforward solution—the one Anna had mulled for three days—was to call and say it was all a misunderstanding. However, there were several problems with that approach, Anna realized, not the least of which was the fact that Lily wasn’t taking her calls. And telling someone a kiss was uninvited wasn’t exactly the sort of message to leave on a voicemail.

Besides, if Lily had already moved on—or never felt that way about her in the first place—she was going to feel pretty foolish when this all came out. But the main thing that stopped her from picking up the phone was realizing she wasn’t prepared for Lily’s response, no matter what it was.

“Are you getting excited about our trip?” Her father’s sudden appearance in the doorway to her office startled her. On Monday morning, the two of them would leave for Germany where they would tour the BMW design center and meet with the engineers. It was something she and her father had done every three years since Anna was seventeen years old.

“Of course,” she replied, but without her usual enthusiasm. “How about you?”

“I always look forward to these trips. Not so much because we’re going to hear about the cars, but because I get to spend time with one of my favorite people.”

They hadn’t seen much of each other lately, since she had been spending so much time behind a closed door. More than once, she had considered asking for a couple of weeks away, time to get down to a beach in Mexico by herself and clear her head. But that would have raised questions she didn’t want to answer.

“Sweetheart, I can usually tell when something’s bothering you. If you want to talk, I’ll listen. Who knows? Maybe your old man can help.”

“Thanks. I appreciate that, Dad. I look forward to being with you too.” She hated that he could read her so well, but dumping this melodrama on him wasn’t an option. When he retreated, she stood and closed the door to her office. Pulling from her wallet the business card she had located last night, she dialed the Seattle number. It was time to take a step.

“Carolyn Bunting, please.” Anna drummed her fingers nervously as she waited on the line for the familiar voice.

“This is Carolyn.”

“Hi, stranger. It’s Anna Kaklis. How are you?” She smiled to think of Lily’s gentle admonitions about leaping headlong into phone conversations.

“Anna? Wow, isn’t this a nice surprise? I’m fine. How are you?”

“I’m fine too. And Vicki?” Anna was glad she was in the habit of writing things down. When they had traded business cards at the reunion, she had scribbled Vicki’s name on the back of Carolyn’s so she wouldn’t forget to ask about the woman with her.

“She’s fine. I hope you’re calling because you’re in Seattle.”

“No, I’m in LA. And I know this comes out of the blue, but I wonder if we could talk about something. It’s personal, though, and I know you’re at work. Could we maybe set a time to talk later tonight?”

“Anna, are you all right?”

She should have known her bizarre request would have caused alarm. “I really am fine, Carolyn. I just need some help getting my head screwed on right, and you might be the only one who can help.”

“I’m here for you, whatever you need.”

“I don’t want to bother you at work.”

“That’s okay. We’re pretty flexible here. Why don’t I give you my cell number and you can call me back? I’ll take a walk outside while we talk.”

“That would be great.” She scribbled the number on the card, and waited five minutes before dialing again.

“I can’t believe you’re calling. It’s so nice to hear your voice again.”

“I should apologize,” Anna said. “It was good to see you at the reunion, and it’s ridiculous I’ve waited so long to call.”

“That’s okay. It goes both ways. I’m glad you’re calling now. What’s on your mind?”

Anna didn’t know where to start. “I’ve met somebody, Carolyn.” She took a deep breath. Once this left her lips, it wasn’t coming back. “Her name is Lily. She’s smart, funny and sweet, and one of the finest, most decent people I’ve ever known. She just... I don’t know, it makes my heart race just to think about her.”

Carolyn was silent so long Anna considered hitting the redial.

“Congratulations, Ms. Kaklis. I think you’ve actually surprised me.”

“You think you’re surprised, you should be inside my head.”

“What about... Anna, didn’t you get married?”

“I’m divorced. And it had nothing to do with Lily.”

“So what’s the problem?”

Anna was nearing the end of what she could articulate without going back a dozen years to their time in college. But that’s why she had turned to Carolyn and not Liz or Kim. “I don’t know where to go from here. There was only one other time in my life where I felt anything close to what I feel for Lily... and that was what I felt for you.”

“Wow.” Carolyn let out a deep breath. “I don’t know what to say, Anna. I don’t know if you know this or not, but I was in love with you back then.”

“I had dinner with Liz in San Francisco a couple of months ago. She told me about talking to you that summer. Looking back on it now, I think she wishes she hadn’t warned you away.”

“We can’t do much about the past, can we?”

“Not usually.”

“That was a tough time for me, not just because of you, but because of the whole coming out thing. I guess you’re finding that out for yourself.”

“Sort of... I don’t know if it’s even the right thing to do. I just have so many questions, some about me, some about Lily. We’re in a mess right now, and I need to fix it before I lose my sanity.”

“Why don’t you come up to Seattle for a couple of days? I’d love to see you, and so would Vicki. We’ll talk. I promise you won’t leave more confused than you are now.”

It was already late Friday afternoon. “I can’t. I have to leave Monday morning for Germany. And I’ll be gone nine days.” That seemed like an eternity to Anna. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could take the uncertainty.

“Are you going to last nine days like this?”

“No, probably not.”

“Then catch a plane tonight or first thing tomorrow. Go make the arrangements and call me back. I’ll pick you up at the airport. You can go home on Sunday, in plenty of time for your trip.”

Carolyn was right. She would find her answers in Seattle.

 

There was always something instinctively frightening about the phone ringing in the middle of the night. The digital clock read 1:31. Lily grabbed the receiver as she groped for the lamp on the nightstand. “Hello.”

“Miss Stewart! Help me! He’s outside and he says he’s coming in. I think he has a gun.” The frantic woman spoke with a heavy Spanish accent.

“Whoa, slow down. Is this Maria?”

“Yes, it’s Miguel. He’s been drinking. He called me and said he wanted to see his kids.”

“Maria, hang up and call the police. I’m coming over right now, but you need to call the police. Can you do that?” Lily tumbled from the bed and started to dress. “I’ll be there soon. Call the police now, and whatever you do, don’t let him in.”

Thirty minutes later, she stopped her X3 in front of a small white house in East LA. Two police cruisers were already on the scene, lights flashing and radios blaring. Neighbors watched the action from their yards. Lily ran toward the house to see Maria Esperanza being led away in handcuffs. The front door was torn from its frame.

“What’s going on here? Where are you taking her?”

“Who are you?” the officer said with a scowl, pushing Maria roughly into the backseat of the cruiser.

“I’m Lilian Stewart, Mrs. Esperanza’s attorney. And I’m advising you that I don’t like the way you just shoved my client into the car.” At that point, another officer emerged from the house with a handcuffed Miguel, whose face was bloodied badly.

“Look, lady, we have our rules. If they’re both fighting, we haul them both in. The judge can sort it out in the morning.”

“This is her home! She didn’t just rip her own door off. She has a right to defend herself.” It was all she could do to control her temper.

“Like I said, it isn’t for me to sort out. If you want to help your client, you should come to the station with her.”

A familiar sedan pulled in behind her car, and Sandy got out, flashing her credentials at one of the officers. “Where are the children?”

He tossed his thumb over his shoulder in the direction of the house and she charged ahead. Lily joined her at the door.

“What’s going on?” Sandy asked.

“Miguel showed up drunk and broke the door down. Looks like Maria met his face with a two by four.”

“Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy,” Sandy muttered.

They reached the back bedroom, where a boy and a girl sat with a female officer. Sandy introduced herself and Lily, and the officer left.

“Are you both okay?” Sandy asked.

The children nodded. It was obvious they had been crying. “They’re taking Mommy,” the girl said, holding tightly to her younger brother’s hand.

“She’ll be all right. This is Lily, and she’s going to go help your mommy. I need you to come with me tonight, and we’ll get everything fixed real soon.”

Lily tried to smile for the children’s sake. She was angry enough to tear off a door herself. Right now, she needed ammunition to keep Miguel locked up until she could guarantee the family’s safety. “Did your father hurt you?”

“No,” the girl said.

“Did he scare you?”

They didn’t answer.

“Were you scared when he broke the door?”

Both nodded their heads.

That was probably enough for a restraining order, Lily thought. She patted Sandy on the shoulder. “Okay, I’m going downtown. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

“Good luck.”

Central Booking was the social hub of LA at three in the morning. Prostitutes and their johns, drug dealers, burglars, barroom brawlers and all their lawyers filled the hallways awaiting their turn. It was going to be a very long night.

Lily and her client were called in at four fifteen, along with Miguel and his lawyer, Pete Simpkins.

“I don’t want my client spending the night here,” Lily said firmly to the booking officer.

“It’s out of my hands,” the man said calmly. “The statutes are there to cool everyone off. You can get her out in the morning.”

Lily knew the statutes well. “This is an open-and-shut case of self defense. That lunatic broke down the front door. Mrs. Esperanza had a right to defend herself against someone entering her home.” Her voice rose, but she was not yet shouting. However, all she was getting from the officer was a blank look. It was infuriating. “You know as well as I do the officers had discretion here. They only brought her in because they were too god-damned lazy to do the work on the scene to settle it.”

“Lily, can we go somewhere and talk?” Simpkins motioned toward the door.

“I’m not making any deals with you. Your client’s a bully.” Angrily, she snatched up her briefcase and jacket and stormed back into the busy hallway.

“Wait, Lily. We need to talk or this is going to happen again, and next time, somebody’s really going to get hurt.”

She turned and poked a finger into Simpkins’s chest. “Then you need to explain to your client that he blew it big time. He lost custody in the first place because he can’t control his god-damned temper. Now he shows up drunk and breaks the door down. What does he expect?” She stepped back and glared at him. “Talk to me when you’ve gotten him into an anger management class. I’m getting a fucking restraining order first thing in the morning, and if he shows up again within a hundred yards of their house, he’s going to jail.”

Pete stood calmly as she issued her threats. They had always enjoyed a respectful working relationship, but she was fed up with his client.

“Lily, I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but it wouldn’t hurt if you sat in on a couple of those anger management seminars too.”

Lily suddenly felt a wave of shame. “I’m sorry, Pete,” she said, almost too low to hear. “I... What can we do? I’m listening.”

Simpkins led her to a bench in the hallway. “Miguel tells me that Maria hasn’t been letting him have visitation. She leaves and takes the kids when it’s time for him to come over. He hasn’t seen them since before Christmas.”

“Why didn’t he come to the court?”

“He didn’t understand that he could. He thought since she was granted custody, it was up to her. That’s my fault for not making it clear.”

“I’ll talk to her tomorrow. Can you see about getting him into a class? I really think it will help.”

“Sure.”

Lily turned to walk away, but Pete stopped her. “Whatever it is, Lily, good luck with it.”

“Thanks, Pete. I’m sorry for being such a jerk.”

 

“I still can’t believe you’re really here,” Carolyn said. Her face had been plastered with a permanent smile since the airport.

Anna couldn’t believe it herself. No one’s life should be so complicated they had to fly a thousand miles for therapy from a friend. “It’s so good to see you. I wish I wasn’t here to dump on you this way.”

“When you talk to a real friend, it isn’t called dumping. I can’t believe I still feel so close to you after all these years, but I do.”

“I know what you mean.” Indeed, the years had melted away as they got reacquainted over lunch at the harbor. Other than adding a few pounds, Carolyn had changed very little since college.

“We won’t get those years back, Anna. But let’s make a pact right now not to lose each other again.”

“It’s a deal.” Anna stretched both hands across the table, palms up, and Carolyn grasped them and squeezed. “I’m so glad you let me come. I didn’t know who else to turn to.”

“So why don’t you tell me all about this woman you’ve met?” Carolyn led her outside to walk along the waterfront.

Anna went all the way back to the beginning, through the dramatic story of the earthquake, and of finding Lily after her divorce. She recounted the baseball game and the ride from San Diego, and finally, the boat trip. “That’s the first time I ever consciously realized I was looking at another woman’s breasts. Now I think I probably always have, but the sight of hers in that bathing suit just pushed a button in me or something.”

“I used to look at your breasts all the time.”

Anna knew she was blushing, but took the comment in stride.

“Maybe if I had known that at the time I would have stood up straighter and worn something skimpier. Who knows?”

“It’s just as well. I probably couldn’t have handled it.” Her broad smile was still in place. “So go on. What else?”

Anna told her of the camping trip.

“You actually went camping? I don’t believe you. You’re making this up.”

Ignoring Carolyn’s sarcasm, Anna continued with the story of her father’s rude remarks, the trip to San Jose and Thanksgiving in Tahoe, emphasizing the looks they exchanged on the slope when Lily fell. “I swear, if Todd hadn’t come over right at that moment, I think I might have just kissed her.” She finished with the story of Todd in the kitchen. “And now, she won’t take my calls. The few times I actually did talk to her, she said she was too busy to get together. I need to talk to her, to tell her what happened. But now I’m starting to think maybe she doesn’t see me that way.”

“Oh, I think she does.”

“Why?” Anna needed to hear some good news.

“Because you’re irresistible.”

“Be serious.”

“Okay, what it sounds like to me is you two kept getting closer and closer, right up until she saw you kissing Todd.”

“I wasn’t kissing Todd. He was kissing me.”

Carolyn waved as if swatting a fly. “Lily has no way of knowing that. What she probably saw was the two of you kissing. As long as she had even the tiniest glimmer of hope of you being interested in her, she was going to stay close and be your best friend. As soon as that possibility disappeared, she needed to run away to protect herself.”

“But that doesn’t make sense. If we were so close, why wouldn’t she talk to me about it?”

“Because Lily is a lesbian. Lesbians run the risk all the time of falling in love with straight women. It’s not something we can help, especially when the women are as beautiful and charming as you.”

Anna groaned.

“But once we see the handwriting on the wall, that self-preservation thing kicks in and there’s nothing to do but run.”

“She doesn’t have to run from me. I’m not going to hurt her. And I’m not all that certain anymore that I’m straight,” she added, almost inaudibly. “But that’s an issue for another day. Right now, I just need to fix things with Lily so we can play it all out.”

“Whether or not you’re straight is more important than you think. If you’re still anything like the Anna Kaklis I used to know, this isn’t something you’re going to do on a whim. It’s a big deal, right?”

Anna nodded.

“It would be devastating for Lily if you were to wake up someday and decide you needed something else she can’t give you. If she has to live with that possibility every day, it isn’t going to be healthy for either of you. There’s nothing but pain in that.”

“But how do I know that isn’t going to happen?”

“You probably don’t. But you have to go into this with your eyes wide open. Lily’s are open already. You need to think about whether or not you’re ready for a relationship with Lily on her terms. She wants to hold you and kiss you and touch you. If you’re going to go forward with her, you’re going to have to want that too.”

Anna processed Carolyn’s words. She understood what Lily needed, but she hadn’t let herself dwell on those thoughts. It was just too overwhelming. “You know, I really loved you a lot back in college, Carolyn. I might even have been in love with you too, but I was pretty naïve about things like that.”

“I know I was in love with you.”

“I probably would have done anything you asked, just to please you.”

“Now you tell me,” she chided. “But is that how you feel about Lily? That you’d have sex with her just to please her? Just so she’ll do things with you again?”

“No, Carolyn. I want it for me too,” she admitted it for the first time. “I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anyone like this in my whole life.” The words were some of the heaviest she had ever uttered, but saying them aloud seemed to lift the weight from her shoulders.

“Then you need to tell her.”

“What if she doesn’t feel the same way? I mean, if she wanted me that way, wouldn’t she have said something by now?”

“Trust me. She feels the same way. But everything has to come from you. Lily won’t act on her feelings. There’s too much at risk for her. She’s worried you’ll reject her, and despise her for having those feelings about you. She can’t bear that.”

“I could never despise her.”

“I know that, but she doesn’t. You have to be the one to move this relationship forward.”

 

As she rode home from the airport in the back of a limo, Anna took stock of her overnight getaway. If her only achievement had been reconnecting with Carolyn, it would have been worth the trip. And on top of that, she had met Vicki, and had seen for herself the kind of loving partnership they shared. Anna wanted that kind of happiness, now more than ever, and she was certain Lily was the key.

It wasn’t all good news. Carolyn and Vicki each told coming out tales that left her heartbroken. Carolyn’s was especially grim, leaving her estranged from her family.

A relationship with Lily would almost certainly cause problems for her father. He had guided her every step of the way as she meticulously planned her life, and he would be the first to decry this as not in her best interest. Martine’s acceptance would be crucial to smoothing things at home. Without her support, this could drive a permanent wedge between them all.

As soon as Anna got home, she double-checked her tickets and travel documents for Germany. Then she unpacked her small bag from the Seattle trip and began the task of packing for nine days abroad. When she finished, she set her bags by the door and went to bed.

She was exhausted, emotionally more than physically. It was almost midnight, but her head was racing with thoughts of how she could get Lily to listen, and what she would say to convince her to give them a chance.

“I’m coming!” Lily couldn’t imagine who on earth could be knocking at this hour, but rolling over in bed and ignoring it hadn’t made it go away. When she looked through the peephole, every cell in her body awakened. Anna was on her doorstep.

She had already turned on the lights and yelled through the door, so it was too late to pretend she wasn’t home. As soon as she released the latch, Anna burst through without waiting for an invitation. By her frantic look, something urgent had brought her out so late. “Anna? Is everything all right?”

“No, Lily. It’s not all right.”

Lily’s heart was hammering. “What is it?”

“I can’t stand what’s happened between us. Everything’s changed. I want us to be close again. I need it.”

Lily’s own need for Anna was almost overpowering. She wanted to give in, to accept on Anna’s terms the simple offer of friendship. But she had to guard her heart. Meeting Anna’s eyes with a steel resolve, she answered, “I can’t, Anna. I want to, but I can’t.”

“What can’t you do, Lily? Doesn’t this hurt you like it hurts me?”

“Yes, of course it does. But being with you just makes it worse for me.”

“Is it because of Todd?”

The tears Lily had been holding back since Tahoe suddenly filled her eyes. She sank to the arm of the couch and looked blankly into the dark living room, unable to meet Anna’s eye. “Yes,” she whispered. With that confession, she readied herself to let the chips fall where they may.

Anna strode silently to the couch, and grasped her hands. With a small tug, she coaxed Lily to her feet. “I don’t want Todd. I never did. I only want you.”

As if in slow motion, Anna’s head tilted forward. Her lips parted and disappeared from view moments before making contact with Lily’s waiting mouth.