История жизни. (Anamnesis vitae). 7 страница

"You don't remember anything more?" Robert Jordan asked.

"No," Fernando said with dignity. "And I am fortunate to remember this because, since it was but rumors, I paid no attention to any of it."

"Then there may have been more?"

"Yes. It is possible. But I paid no attention. For a year I have heard nothing but rumors."

Robert Jordan heard a quick, control-breaking sniff of laughter from the girl, Maria, who was standing behind him.

"Tell us one more rumor, Fernandito," she said and then her shoulders shook again.

"If I could remember, I would not," Fernando said. "It is beneath a man's dignity to listen and give importance to rumors."

"And with this we will save the Republic," the woman said.

"No. _You_ will save it by blowing bridges," Pablo told her.

"Go," said Robert Jordan to Anselmo and Rafael. "If you have eaten."

"We go now," the old man said and the two of them stood up. Robert Jordan felt a hand on his shoulder. It was Maria. "Thou shouldst eat," she said and let her hand rest there. "Eat well so that thy stomach can support more rumors."

"The rumors have taken the place of the appetite."

"No. It should not be so. Eat this now before more rumors come." She put the bowl before him.

"Do not make a joke of me," Fernando said to her. "I am thy good friend, Maria."

"I do not joke at thee, Fernando. I only joke with him and he should eat or he will be hungry."

"We should all eat," Fernando said. "Pilar, what passes that we are not served?"

"Nothing, man," the woman of Pablo said and filled his bowl with the meat stew. "Eat. Yes, that's what you _can_ do. Eat now."

"It is very good, Pilar," Fernando said, all dignity intact.

"Thank you," said the woman. "Thank you and thank you again."

"Are you angry at me?" Fernando asked.

"No. Eat. Go ahead and eat."

"I will," said Fernando. "Thank you."

Robert Jordan looked at Maria and her shoulders started shaking again and she looked away. Fernando ate steadily, a proud and dignified expression on his face, the dignity of which could not be affected even by the huge spoon that he was using or the slight dripping of juice from the stew which ran from the corners of his mouth.

"Do you like the food?" the woman of Pablo asked him.

"Yes, Pilar," he said with his mouth full. "It is the same as usual."

Robert Jordan felt Maria's hand on his arm and felt her fingers tighten with delight.

"It is for _that_ that you like it?" the woman asked Fernando.

"Yes," she said. "I see. The stew; as usual. Como siempre. Things are bad in the north; as usual. An offensive here; as usual. That troops come to hunt us out; as usual. You could serve as a monument to as usual."

"But the last two are only rumors, Pilar."

"Spain," the woman of Pablo said bitterly. Then turned to Robert Jordan. "Do they have people such as this in other countries?"

"There are no other countries like Spain," Robert Jordan said politely.

"You are right," Fernando said. "There is no other country in the world like Spain."

"Hast thou ever seen any other country?" the woman asked him.

"Nay," said Fernando. "Nor do I wish to."

"You see?" the woman of Pablo said to Robert Jordan.

"Fernandito," Maria said to him. "Tell us of the time thee went to Valencia"

"I did not like Valencia."

"Why?" Maria asked and pressed Robert Jordan's arm again. "Why did thee not like it?"

"The people had no manners and I could not understand them. All they did was shout _che_ at one another."

"Could they understand thee?" Maria asked.

"They pretended not to," Fernando said.

"And what did thee there?"

"I left without even seeing the sea," Fernando said. "I did not like the people."

"Oh, get out of here, you old maid," the woman of Pablo said. "Get out of here before you make me sick. In Valencia I had the best time of my life. _Vamos!_ Valencia. Don't talk to me of Valencia."

"What did thee there?" Maria asked. The woman of Pablo sat down at the table with a bowl of coffee, a piece of bread and a bowl of the stew.

"_Que?_ what did we there. I was there when Finito had a contract for three fights at the Feria. Never have I seen so many people. Never have I seen cafes so crowded. For hours it would be impossible to get a seat and it was impossible to board the tram cars. In Valencia there was movement all day and all night."

"But what did you do?" Maria asked.

"All things," the woman said. "We went to the beach and lay in the water and boats with sails were hauled up out of the sea by oxen. The oxen driven to the water until they must swim; then harnessed to the boats, and, when they found their feet, staggering up the sand. Ten yokes of oxen dragging a boat with sails out of the sea in the morning with the line of the small waves breaking on the beach. That is Valencia."

"But what did thee besides watch oxen?"

"We ate in pavilions on the sand. Pastries made of cooked and shredded fish and red and green peppers and small nuts like grains of rice. Pastries delicate and flaky and the fish of a richness that was incredible. Prawns fresh from the sea sprinkled with lime juice. They were pink and sweet and there were four bites to a prawn. Of those we ate many. Then we ate _paella_ with fresh sea food, clams in their shells, mussels, crayfish, and small eels. Then we ate even smaller eels alone cooked in oil and as tiny as bean sprouts and curled in all directions and so tender they disappeared in the mouth without chewing. All the time drinking a white wine, cold, light and good at thirty centimos the bottle. And for an end, melon. That is the home of the melon."

"The melon of Castile is better," Fernando said.

"_Que va_," said the woman of Pablo. "The melon of Castile is for self abuse. The melon of Valencia for eating. When I think of those melons long as one's arm, green like the sea and crisp and juicy to cut and sweeter than the early morning in summer. Aye, when I think of those smallest eels, tiny, delicate and in mounds on the plate. Also the beer in pitchers all through the afternoon, the beer sweating in its coldness in pitchers the size of water jugs."

"And what did thee when not eating nor drinking?"

"We made love in the room with the strip wood blinds hanging over the balcony and a breeze through the opening of the top of the door which turned on hinges. We made love there, the room dark in the day time from the hanging blinds, and from the streets there was the scent of the flower market and the smell of burned powder from the firecrackers of the _traca_ that ran though the streets exploding each noon during the Feria. It was a line of fireworks that ran through all the city, the firecrackers linked together and the explosions running along on poles and wires of the tramways, exploding with great noise and a jumping from pole to pole with a sharpness and a cracking of explosion you could not believe.

"We made love and then sent for another pitcher of beer with the drops of its coldness on the glass and when the girl brought it, I took it from the door and I placed the coldness of the pitcher against the back of Finito as he lay, now, asleep, not having wakened when the beer was brought, and he said, 'No, Pilar. No, woman, let me sleep.' And I said, 'No, wake up and drink this to see how cold,' and he drank without opening his eyes and went to sleep again and I lay with my back against a pillow at the foot of the bed and watched him sleep, brown and dark-haired and young and quiet in his sleep, and drank the whole pitcher, listening now to the music of a band that was passing. You," she said to Pablo. "Do you know aught of such things?"

"We have done things together," Pablo said.

"Yes," the woman said. "Why not? And thou wert more man than Finito in your time. But never did we go to Valencia. Never did we lie in bed together and hear a band pass in Valencia."

"It was impossible," Pablo told her. "We have had no opportunity to go to Valencia. Thou knowest that if thou wilt be reasonable. But, with Finito, neither did thee blow up any train."

"No," said the woman. "That is what is left to us. The train. Yes. Always the train. No one can speak against that. That remains of all the laziness, sloth and failure. That remains of the cowardice of this moment. There were many other things before too. I do not want to be unjust. But no one can speak against Valencia either. You hear me?"

"I did not like it," Fernando said quietly. "I did not like Valencia."

"Yet they speak of the mule as stubborn," the woman said. "Clean up, Maria, that we may go."

As she said this they heard the first sound of the planes returning.

They stood in the mouth of the cave and watched them. The bombers were high now in fast, ugly arrow-heads beating the sky apart with the noise of their motors. They _are_ shaped like sharks, Robert Jordan thought, the wide-finned, sharp-nosed sharks of the Gulf Stream. But these, wide-finned in silver, roaring, the light mist of their propellers in the sun, these do not move like sharks. They move like no thing there has ever been. They move like mechanized doom.

You ought to write, he told himself. Maybe you will again some time. He felt Maria holding to his arm. She was looking up and he said to her, "What do they look like to you, _guapa?_"

"I don't know," she said. "Death, I think."

"They look like planes to me," the woman of Pablo said. "'Where are the little ones?"

"They may be crossing at another part," Robert Jordan said. "Those bombers are too fast to have to wait for them and have come back alone. We never follow them across the lines to fight. There aren't enough planes to risk it."

Just then three Heinkel fighters in V formation came low over the clearing coming toward them, just over the tree tops, like clattering, wing-tilting, pinch-nosed ugly toys, to enlarge suddenly, fearfully to their actual size; pouring past in a whining roar. They were so low that from the cave mouth all of them could see the pilots, helmeted, goggled, a scarf blowing back from behind the patrol leader's head.

"_Those_ can see the horses," Pablo said.

"Those can see thy cigarette butts," the woman said. "Let fall the blanket."

No more planes came over. The others must have crossed farther up the range and when the droning was gone they went out of the cave into the open.

The sky was empty now and high and blue and clear.

"It seems as though they were a dream that you wake from," Maria said to Robert Jordan. There was not even the last almost unheard hum that comes like a finger faintly touching and leaving and touching again after the sound is gone almost past hearing.

"They are no dream and you go in and clean up," Pilar said to her. "What about it?" she turned to Robert Jordan. "Should we ride or walk?"

Pablo looked at her and grunted.

"As you will," Robert Jordan said.

"Then let us walk," she said. "I would like it for the liver."

"Riding is good for the liver."

"Yes, but hard on the buttocks. We will walk and thou--" She turned to Pablo. "Go down and count thy beasts and see they have not flown away with any."

"Do you want a horse to ride?" Pablo asked Robert Jordan.

"No. Many thanks. What about the girl?"

"Better for her to walk," Pilar said. "She'll get stiff in too many places and serve for nothing."

Robert Jordan felt his face reddening.

"Did you sleep well?" Pilar asked. Then said, "It is true that there is no sickness. There could have been. I know not why there wasn't. There probably still is God after all, although we have abolished Him. Go on," she said to Pablo. "This does not concern thee. This is of people younger than thee. Made of other material. Get on." Then to Robert Jordan, "Agustin is looking after thy things. We go when he comes."

It was a clear, bright day and warm now in the sun. Robert Jordan looked at the big, brown-faced woman with her kind, widely set eyes and her square, heavy face, lined and pleasantly ugly, the eyes merry, but the face sad until the lips moved. He looked at her and then at the man, heavy and stolid, moving off through the trees toward the corral. The woman, too, was looking after him.

"Did you make love?" the woman said.

"What did she say?"

"She would not tell me."

"I neither."

"Then you made love," the woman said. "Be as careful with her as you can."

"What if she has a baby?"

"That will do no harm," the woman said. "That will do less harm."

"This is no place for that."

"She will not stay here. She will go with you."

"And where will I go? I can't take a woman where I go."

"Who knows? You may take two where you go."

"That is no way to talk."

"Listen," the woman said. "I am no coward, but I see things very clearly in the early morning and I think there are many that we know that are alive now who will never see another Sunday."

"In what day are we?"

"Sunday."

"_Que va_," said Robert Jordan. "Another Sunday is very far. If we see Wednesday we are all right. But I do not like to hear thee talk like this."

"Every one needs to talk to some one," the woman said. "Before we had religion and other nonsense. Now for every one there should be some one to whom one can speak frankly, for all the valor that one could have one becomes very alone."

"We are not alone. We are all together."

"The sight of those machines does things to one," the woman said. "We are nothing against such machines."

"Yet we can beat them."

"Look," the woman said. "I confess a sadness to you, but do not think I lack resolution. Nothing has happened to my resolution."

"The sadness will dissipate as the sun rises. It is like a mist."

"Clearly," the woman said. "If you want it that way. Perhaps it came from talking that foolishness about Valencia. And that failure of a man who has gone to look at his horses. I wounded him much with the story. Kill him, yes. Curse him, yes. But wound him, no."

"How came you to be with him?"

"How is one with any one? In the first days of the movement and before too, he was something. Something serious. But now he is finished. The plug has been drawn and the wine has all run out of the skin."

"I do not like him."

"Nor does he like you, and with reason. Last night I slept with him." She smiled now and shook her head. " _Vamos a ver_," she said. "I said to him, 'Pablo, why did you not kill the foreigner?'

"'He's a good boy, Pilar,' he said. 'He's a good boy.'

"So I said, 'You understand now that I command?'

"'Yes, Pilar. Yes,' he said. Later in the night I hear him awake and he is crying. He is crying in a short and ugly manner as a man cries when it is as though there is an animal inside that is shaking him.

"'What passes with thee, Pablo?' I said to him and I took hold of him and held him.

"'Nothing, Pilar. Nothing.'

"'Yes. Something passes with thee.'

"'The people,' he said. 'The way they left me. The _gente_.'

"'Yes, but they are with me,' I said, 'and I am thy woman.'

"'Pilar,' he said, 'remember the train.' Then he said, 'May God aid thee, Pilar.'

"'What are you talking of God for?' I said to him. 'What way is that to speak?'

"'Yes,' he said. 'God and the Virgen.'

"'_Que va_, God and the _Virgen_,' I said to him. 'Is that any way to talk?'

"'I am afraid to die, Pilar,' he said. '_Tengo miedo de morir_. Dost thou understand?'

"'Then get out of bed,' I said to him. 'There is not room in one bed for me and thee and thy fear all together.'

"Then he was ashamed and was quiet and I went to sleep but, man, he's a ruin."

Robert Jordan said nothing.

"All my life I have had this sadness at intervals," the woman said. "But it is not like the sadness of Pablo. It does not affect my resolution."

"I believe that."

"It may be it is like the times of a woman," she said. "It may be it is nothing," she paused, then went on. "I put great illusion in the Republic. I believe firmly in the Republic and I have faith. I believe in it with fervor as those who have religious faith believe in the mysteries."

"I believe you."

"And you have this same faith?"

"In the Republic?"

"Yes."

"Yes," he said, hoping it was true.

"I am happy," the woman said. "And you have no fear?"

"Not to die," he said truly.

"But other fears?"

"Only of not doing my duty as I should."

"Not of capture, as the other had?"

"No," he said truly. "Fearing that, one would be so preoccupied as to be useless."

"You are a very cold boy."

"No," he said. "I do not think so."

"No. In the head you are very cold."

"It is that I am very preoccupied with my work."

"But you do not like the things of life?"

"Yes. Very much. But not to interfere with my work."

"You like to drink, I know. I have seen."

"Yes. Very much. But not to interfere with my work."

"And women?"

"I like them very much, but I have not given them much importance."

"You do not care for them?"

"Yes. But I have not found one that moved me as they say they should move you."

"I think you lie."

"Maybe a little."

"But you care for Maria."

"Yes. Suddenly and very much."

"I, too. I care for her very much. Yes. Much."

"I, too," said Robert Jordan, and could feel his voice thickening. "I, too. Yes." It gave him pleasure to say it and he said it quite formally in Spanish. "I care for her very much."

"I will leave you alone with her after we have seen El Sordo."

Robert Jordan said nothing. Then he said, "That is not necessary."

"Yes, man. It is necessary. There is not much time."

"Did you see that in the hand?" he asked.

"No. Do not remember that nonsense of the hand."

She had put that away with all the other things that might do ill to the Republic.

Robert Jordan said nothing. He was looking at Maria putting away the dishes inside the cave. She wiped her hands and turned and smiled at him. She could not hear what Pilar was saying, but as she smiled at Robert Jordan she blushed dark under the tawny skin and then smiled at him again.

"There is the day also," the woman said. "You have the night, but there is the day, too. Clearly, there is no such luxury as in Valencia in my time. But you could pick a few wild strawberries or something." She laughed.

Robert Jordan put his arm on her big shoulder. "I care for thee, too," he said. "I care for thee very much."

"Thou art a regular Don Juan Tenorio," the woman said, embarrassed now with affection. "There is a commencement of caring for every one. Here comes Agustin."

Robert Jordan went into the cave and up to where Maria was standing. She watched him come toward her, her eyes bright, the blush again on her cheeks and throat.

"Hello, little rabbit," he said and kissed her on the mouth. She held him tight to her and looked in his face and said, "Hello. Oh, hello. Hello."

Fernando, still sitting at the table smoking a cigarette, stood up, shook his head and walked out, picking up his carbine from where it leaned against the wall.

"It is very unformal," he said to Pilar. "And I do not like it. You should take care of the girl."

"I am," said Pilar. "That comrade is her _novio_."

"Oh," said Fernando. "In that case, since they are engaged, I encounter it to be perfectly normal."

"I am pleased," the woman said.

"Equally," Fernando agreed gravely. "_Salud_, Pilar."

"Where are you going?"

 

"To the upper post to relieve Primitivo."

"Where the hell are you going?" Agustin asked the grave little man as he came up.

"To my duty," Fernando said with dignity.

"Thy duty," said Agustin mockingly. "I besmirch the milk of thy duty." Then turning to the woman, "Where the un-nameable is this vileness that I am to guard?"

"In the cave," Pilar said. "In two sacks. And I am tired of thy obscenity."

"I obscenity in the milk of thy tiredness," Agustin said.

"Then go and befoul thyself," Pilar said to him without heat.

"Thy mother," Agustin replied.

"Thou never had one," Pilar told him, the insults having reached the ultimate formalism in Spanish in which the acts are never stated but only implied.

"What are they doing in there?" Agustin now asked confidentially.

"Nothing," Pilar told him. "_Nada_. We are, after all, in the spring, animal."

"Animal," said Agustin, relishing the word. "Animal. And thou. Daughter of the great whore of whores. I befoul myself in the milk of the springtime."

Pilar slapped him on the shoulder.

"You," she said, and laughed that booming laugh. "You lack variety in your cursing. But you have force. Did you see the planes?"

"I un-name in the milk of their motors," Agustin said, nodding his head and biting his lower lip.

"That's something," Pilar said. "That is really something. But really difficult of execution."

"At that altitude, yes," Agustin grinned. "_Desde luego_. But it is better to joke."

"Yes," the woman of Pablo said. "It is much better to joke, and you are a good man and you joke with force."

"Listen, Pilar," Agustin said seriously. "Something is preparing. It is not true?"

"How does it seem to you?"

"Of a foulness that cannot be worse. Those were many planes, woman. Many planes."

"And thou hast caught fear from them like all the others?"

"_Que va_," said Agustin. "What do you think they are preparing?"

"Look," Pilar said. "From this boy coming for the bridges obviously the Republic is preparing an offensive. From these planes obviously the Fascists are preparing to meet it. But why show the planes?"

"In this war are many foolish things," Agustin said. "In this war there is an idiocy without bounds."

"Clearly," said Pilar. "Otherwise we could not be here."

"Yes," said Agustin. "We swim within the idiocy for a year now. But Pablo is a man of much understanding. Pablo is very wily."

"Why do you say this?"

"I say it."

"But you must understand," Pilar explained. "It is now too late to be saved by wiliness and he has lost the other."

"I understand," said Agustin. "I know we must go. And since we must win to survive ultimately, it is necessary that the bridges must be blown. But Pablo, for the coward that he now is, is very smart."

"I, too, am smart."

"No, Pilar," Agustin said. "You are not smart. You are brave. You are loyal. You have decision. You have intuition. Much decision and much heart. But you are not smart."

"You believe that?" the woman asked thoughtfully.

"Yes, Pilar."

"The boy is smart," the woman said. "Smart and cold. Very cold in the head."

"Yes," Agustin said. "He must know his business or they would not have him doing this. But I do not know that he is smart. Pablo I _know_ is smart."

"But rendered useless by his fear and his disinclination to action."

"But still smart."

"And what do you say?"

"Nothing. I try to consider it intelligently. In this moment we need to act with intelligence. After the bridge we must leave at once. All must be prepared. We must know for where we are leaving and how."

 

"Naturally."

"For this--Pablo. It must be done smartly."

"I have no confidence in Pablo."

"In this, yes."

"No. You do not know how far he is ruined."

"_Pero es muy vivo_. He is very smart. And if we do not do this smartly we are obscenitied."

"I will think about it," Pilar said. "I have the day to think about it."

"For the bridges; the boy," Agustin said. "This he must know. Look at the fine manner in which the other organized the train."

"Yes," Pilar said. "It was really he who planned all."

"You for energy and resolution," Agustin said. "But Pablo for the moving. Pablo for the retreat. Force him now to study it."

"You are a man of intelligence."

"Intelligent, yes," Agustin said. "But _sin picardia_. Pablo for that."

"With his fear and all?"

"With his fear and all."

"And what do you think of the bridges?"

"It is necessary. That I know. Two things we must do. We must leave here and we must win. The bridges are necessary if we are to Win."

"If Pablo is so smart, why does he not see that?"

"He wants things as they are for his own weakness. He wants tO stay in the eddy of his own weakness. But the river is rising. Forced to a change, he will be smart in the change. _Es muy vivo_."

"It is good that the boy did not kill him."

"_Que va_. The gypsy wanted me to kill him last night. The gypsy is an animal."

"You're an animal, too," she said. "But intelligent."

"We are both intelligent," Agustin said. "But the talent is Pablo!"

"But difficult to put up with. You do not know how ruined."

"Yes. But a talent. Look, Pilar. To make war all you need is intelligence. But to win you need talent and material."

"I will think it over," she said. "We must start now. We are late." Then, raising her voice, "English!" she called. "_Ingles!_ Come on! Let us go."

"Let us rest," Pilar said to Robert Jordan. "Sit down here, Maria, and let us rest."

"We should continue," Robert Jordan said. "Rest when we get there. I must see this man."

"You will see him," the woman told him. "There is no hurry. Sit down here, Maria."

"Come on," Robert Jordan said. "Rest at the top."

"I rest now," the woman said, and sat down by the stream. The girl sat by her in the heather, the sun shining on her hair. Only Robert Jordan stood looking across the high mountain meadow with the trout brook running through it. There was heather growing where he stood. There were gray boulders rising from the yellow bracken that replaced the heather in the lower part of the meadow and below was the dark line of the pines.