История жизни. (Anamnesis vitae). 11 страница

This was no way to think; but who censored his thinking? Nobody but himself. He would not think himself into any defeatism. The first thing was to win the war. If we did not win the war everything was lost. But he noticed, and listened to, and remembered everything. He was serving in a war and he gave absolute loyalty and as complete a performance as he could give while he was serving. But nobody owned his mind, nor his faculties for seeing and hearing, and if he were going to form judgments he would form them afterwards. And there would be plenty of material to draw them from. There was plenty already. There was a little too much sometimes.

Look at the Pilar woman, he thought. No matter what comes, if there is time, I must make her tell me the rest of that story. Look at her walking along with those two kids. You could not get three better-looking products of Spain than those. She is like a mountain and the boy and the girl are like young trees. The old trees are all cut down and the young trees are growing clean like that. In spite of what has happened to the two of them they look as fresh and clean and new and untouched as though they had never heard of misfortune. But according to Pilar, Maria has just gotten sound again. She must have been in an awful shape.

He remembered a Belgian boy in the Eleventh Brigade who had enlisted with five other boys from his village. It was a village Of about two hundred people and the boy had never been away froni the village before. When he first saw the boy, out at Hans' Brigade Staff, the other five from the village had all been killed and the boy was in very bad shape and they were using him as an orderly to wait on table at the staff. He had a big, blond, ruddy Flemish face and huge awkward peasant hands and he moved, with the dishes, as powerfully and awkwardly as a draft horse. But he cried all the time. All during the meal he cried with no noise at all.

You looked up and there he was, crying. If you asked for the wine, he cried and if you passed your plate for stew, he cried; turning away his head. Then he would stop; but if you looked up at him, tears would start coming again. Between courses he cried in the kitchen. Every one was very gentle with him. But it did no good. He would have to find out what became of him and whether he ever cleared up and was fit for soldiering again.

Maria was sound enough now. She seemed so anyway. But he was no psychiatrist. Pilar was the psychiatrist. It probably had been good for them to have been together last night. Yes, unless it stopped. It certainly had been good for him. He felt fine today; sound and good and unworried and happy. The show looked bad enough but he was awfully lucky, too. He had been in others that announced themselves badly. Announced themselves; that was thinking in Spanish. Maria was lovely.

Look at her, he said to himself. Look at her.

He looked at her striding happily in the sun; her khaki shirt open at the neck. She walks like a colt moves, he thought. You do not run onto something like that. Such things don't happen. Maybe it never did happen, he thought. Maybe you dreamed it or made it up and it never did happen. Maybe it is like the dreams you have when some one you have seen in the cinema comes to your bed at night and is so kind and lovely. He'd slept with them all that way When he was asleep in bed. He could remember Garbo still, and Harlow. Yes, Harlow many times. Maybe it was like those dreams.

But he could still remember the time Garbo came to his bed the flight before the attack at Pozoblanco and she was wearing a soft silky wool sweater when he put his arm around her and when she leaned forward her hair swept forward and over his face and she said why had he never told her that he loved her when she had loved him all this time? She was not shy, nor cold, nor distant. She was just lovely to hold and kind and lovely and like the old days with Jack Gilbert and it was as true as though it happened and he loved her much more than Harlow though Garbo was only there once while Harlow--maybe this was like those dreams.

Maybe it isn't too, he said to himself. Maybe I could reach over and touch that Maria now, he said to himself. Maybe you are afraid to he said to himself. Maybe you would find out that it never happened and it was not true and it was something you made up like those dreams about the people of the cinema or how all your old girls come back and sleep in that robe at night on all the bare floors, in the straw of the haybarns, the stables, the _corrales_ and the _cortijos_, the woods, the garages, the trucks and all the hills of Spain. They all came to that robe when he was asleep and they were all much nicer than they ever had been in life. Maybe it was like that. Maybe you would be afraid to touch her to see if it was true. Maybe you would, and probably it is something that you made up or that you dreamed.

He took a step across the trail and put his hand on the girl's arm. Under his fingers he felt the smoothness of her arm in the worn khaki. She looked at him and smiled.

"Hello, Maria," he said.

"Hello, _Ingles_," she answered and he saw her tawny brown face and the yellow-gray eyes and the full lips smiling and the cropped sun-burned hair and she lifted her face at him and smiled in his eyes. It was true all right.

Now they were in sight of El Sordo's camp in the last of the pines, where there was a rounded gulch-head shaped like an upturned basin. All these limestone upper basins must be full of caves, he thought. There are two caves there ahead. The scrub pines growing in the rock hide them well. This is as good or a better place than Pablo's.

"How was this shooting of thy family?" Pilar was saying to Joaquin.

"Nothing, woman," Joaquin said. "They were of the left as many others in Valladolid. When the fascists purified the town they shot first the father. He had voted Socialist. Then they shot the mother. She had voted the same. It was the first time she had ever voted. After that they shot the husband of one of the sisters. He was a member of the syndicate of tramway drivers. Clearly he could not drive a tram without belonging to the syndicate. But he was without politics. I knew him well. He was even a little hit shameless. I do not think he was even a good comrade. Then the husband of the other girl, the other sister, who was also in the trams, had gone to the hills as I had. They thought she knew where he was. But she did not. So they shot her because she would not tell them where he was."

"What barbarians," said Pilar. "Where is El Sordo? I do not see him."

"He is here. He is probably inside," answered Joaquin and stopping now, and resting the rifle butt on the ground, said, "Pilar, listen to me. And thou, Maria. Forgive me if I have molested you speaking of things of the family. I know that all have the same troubles and it is more valuable not to speak of them."

"That you should speak," Pilar said. "For what are we born if not to aid one another? And to listen and say nothing is a cold enough aid."

"But it can molest the Maria. She has too many things of her own."

"_Que va_," Maria said. "Mine are such a big bucket that yours falling in will never fill it. I am sorry, Joaquin, and I hope thy sister is well."

"So far she's all right," Joaquin said. "They have her in prison and it seems they do not mistreat her much."

"Are there others in the family?" Robert Jordan asked.

"No," the boy said. "Me. Nothing more. Except the brother-inlaw who went to the hills and I think he is dead."

"Maybe he is all right," Maria said. "Maybe he is with a band in other mountains."

"For me he is dead," Joaquin said. "He was never too good at getting about and he was conductor of a tram and that is not the best preparation for the hills. I doubt if he could last a year. He was Somewhat weak in the chest too."

"But he may be all right," Maria put her arm on his shoulder.

"Certainly, girl. Why not?" said Joaquin.

As the boy stood there, Maria reached up, put her arms around his neck and kissed him. Joaquin turned his head away because he was crying.

"That is as a brother," Maria said to him. "I kiss thee as a brother."

The boy shook his head, crying without making any noise.

"I am thy sister," Maria said. "And I love thee and thou hast a family. We are all thy family."

"Including the _Ingles_," boomed Pilar. "Isn't it true, _Ingles?_"

"Yes," Robert Jordan said to the boy, "we are all thy family, Joaquin."

"He's your brother," Pilar said. "Hey _Ingles?_"

Robert Jordan put his arm around the boy's shoulder. "We are all brothers," he said. The boy shook his head.

"I am ashamed to have spoken," he said. "To speak of such things makes it more difficult for all. I am ashamed of molesting you."

"I obscenity in the milk of my shame," Pilar said in her deep lovely voice. "And if the Maria kisses thee again I will commence kissing thee myself. It's years since I've kissed a bullfighter, even an unsuccessful one like thee, I would like to kiss an unsuccessful bullfighter turned Communist. Hold him, _Ingles_, till I get a good kiss at him."

"_Deja_," the boy said and turned away sharply. "Leave me alone. I am all right and I am ashamed."

 

He stood there, getting his face under control. Maria put her hand in Robert Jordan's. Pilar stood with her hands on her hips looking at the boy mockingly now.

"When I kiss thee," she said to him, "it will not be as any sister. This trick of kissing as a sister."

"It is not necessary to joke," the boy said. "I told you I am all right, I am sorry that I spoke."

"Well then let us go and see the old man," Pilar said. "I tire myself with such emotion."

The boy looked at her. From his eyes you could see he was suddenly very hurt.

"Not thy emotion," Pilar said to him. "Mine. What a tender thing thou art for a bullfighter."

"I was a failure," Joaquin said. "You don't have to keep insisting on it."

"But you are growing the pigtail another time."

"Yes, and why not? Fighting stock serves best for that purpose economically. It gives employment to many and the State will control it. And perhaps now I would not be afraid."

"Perhaps not," Pilar said. "Perhaps not."

"Why do you speak in such a brutal manner, Pilar?" Maria said to her. "I love thee very much but thou art acting very barbarous."

"It is possible that I am barbarous," Pilar said. "Listen, _Ingles_. Do you know what you are going to say to El Sordo?"

"Yes."

"Because he is a man of few words unlike me and thee and this sentimental menagerie."

"Why do you talk thus?" Maria asked again, angrily.

"I don't know," said Pilar as she strode along. "Why do you think?"

"I do not know."

"At times many things tire me," Pilar said angrily. "You understand? And one of them is to have forty-eight years. You hear me? Forty-eight years and an ugly face. And another is to see panic in the face of a failed bullfighter of Communist tendencies when I say, as a joke, I might kiss him."

"It's not true, Pilar," the boy said. "You did not see that."

"_Que va_, it's not true. And I obscenity in the milk of all of you. Ah, there he is. _Hola_, Santiago! _Que tal?_"

The man to whom Pilar spoke was short and heavy, brownfaced, with broad cheekbones; gray haired, with wide-set yellowbrown eyes, a thin-bridged, hooked nose like an Indian's, a long Upper lip and a wide, thin mouth. He was clean shaven and he walked toward them from the mouth of the cave, moving with the bow-legged walk that went with his cattle herdsman's breeches and boots. The day was warm but he had on a sheep's-wool-lined short leather jacket buttoned up to the neck. He put out a big brown hand toPilar. "_Hola_, woman," he said. "_Hola_," he said to Robert Jordan and shook his hand and looked him keenly in the face. Robert Jordan saw his eyes were yellow as a cat's and flat as reptile's eyes are. "_Guapa_," he said to Maria and patted her shoulder.

"Eaten?" he asked Pilar. She shook her head.

"Eat," he said and looked at Robert Jordan. "Drink?" he asked, making a motion with his hand decanting his thumb downward.

"Yes, thanks."

"Good," El Sordo said. "Whiskey?"

"You have whiskey?"

El Sordo nodded. "_Ingles?_" he asked. "Not _Ruso?_"

"_Americano_."

"Few Americans here," he said.

"Now more."

"Less bad. North or South?"

"North."

"Same as _Ingles_. When blow bridge?"

"You know about the bridge?"

El Sordo nodded.

"Day after tomorrow morning."

"Good," said El Sordo.

"Pablo?" he asked Pilar.

She shook her head. El Sordo grinned.

"Go away," he said to Maria and grinned again. "Come back," he looked at a large watch he pulled out on a leather thong from inside his coat. "Half an hour."

He motioned to them to sit down on a flattened log that served as a bench and looking at Joaquin, jerked his thumb down the trail in the direction they had come from.

"I'll walk down with Joaquin and come back," Maria said.

El Sordo went into the cave and came out with a pinch bottle of Scotch whiskey and three glasses. The bottle was under one arm, and three glasses were in the hand of that arm, a finger in each glass, and his other hand was around the neck of an earthenware jar of water. He put the glasses and the bottle down on the log and set the jug on the ground.

"No ice," he said to Robert Jordan and handed him the bottle.

"I don't want any," Pilar said and covered her glass with her hand.

"Ice last night on ground," El Sordo said and grinned. "All melt. Ice up there," El Sordo said and pointed to the snow that showed on the bare crest of the mountains. "Too far."

Robert Jordan started to pour into El Sordo's glass but the deaf man shook his head and made a motion for the other to pour for himself.

Robert Jordan poured a big drink of Scotch into the glass and El Sordo watched him eagerly and when he had finished, handed him the water jug and Robert Jordan filled the glass with the cold water that ran in a stream from the earthenware spout as he tipped up the jug.

El Sordo poured himself half a glassful of whiskey and filled the glass with water.

"Wine?" he asked Pilar.

"No. Water."

"Take it," he said. "No good," he said to Robert Jordan and grinned. "Knew many English. Always much whiskey."

"Where?"

"Ranch," El Sordo said. "Friends of boss."

"Where do you get the whiskey?"

"What?" he could not hear.

"You have to shout," Pilar said. "Into the other ear."

El Sordo pointed to his better ear and grinned.

"Where do you get the whiskey?" Robert Jordan shouted.

"Make it," El Sordo said and watched Robert Jordan's hand check on its way to his mouth with the glass.

"No," El Sordo said and patted his shoulder. "Joke. Comes from La Granja. Heard last night comes English dynamiter. Good. Very happy. Get whiskey. For you. You like?"

"Very much," said Robert Jordan. "It's very good whiskey."

"Am contented," Sordo grinned. "Was bringing tonight with information"

"What information?"

Much troop movement."

Where?

"Segovia. Planes you saw."

"Yes."

"Bad, eh?"

"Bad."

"Troop movement?"

"Much between Villacastin and Segovia. On Valladolid road. Much between Villacastin and San Rafael. Much. Much."

"What do you think?"

"We prepare something?"

"Possibly."

"They know. Prepare too."

"It is possible."

"Why not blow bridge tonight?"

"Orders."

"Whose orders?"

"General Staff."

"So."

"Is the time of the blowing important?" Pilar asked.

"Of all importance."

"But if they are moving up troops?"

"I will send Anselmo with a report of all movement and concentrations. He is checking the road."

"You have some one at road?" Sordo asked.

Robert Jordan did not know how much he had heard. You never know with a deaf man.

"Yes," he said.

"Me, too. Why not blow bridge now?"

"I have my orders."

"I don't like it," El Sordo said. "This I do not like."

"Nor I," said Robert Jordan.

El Sordo shook his head and took a sip of the whiskey. "You want of me?"

"How many men have you?"

"Eight."

"To cut the telephone, attack the post at the house of the roadmenders, take it, and fall back on the bridge."

"It is easy."

"It will all be written out."

"Don't trouble. And Pablo?"

"Will cut the telephone below, attack the post at the sawmill, take it and fall back on the bridge."

"And afterwards for the retreat?" Pilar asked. "We are seven men, two women and five horses. You are," she shouted into Sordo's ear.

"Eight men and four horses. _Faltan caballos_," he said. "Lacks horses."

"Seventeen people and nine horses," Pilar said. "Without accounting for transport."

Sordo said nothing.

"There is no way of getting horses?" Robert Jordan said into Sordo's best ear.

"In war a year," Sordo said. "Have four." He showed four fingers. "Now you want eight for tomorrow."

"Yes," said Robert Jordan. "Knowing you are leaving. Having no need to be careful as you have been in this neighborhood. Not having to be cautious here now. You could not cut out and steal eight head of horses?"

"Maybe," Sordo said. "Maybe none. Maybe more."

"You have an automatic rifle?" Robert Jordan asked.

Sordo nodded.

"Where?"

"Up the hill."

"What kind?"

"Don't know name. With pans."

"How many rounds?"

"Five pans."

"Does any one know how to use it?"

"Me. A little. Not shoot too much. Not want make noise here. Not want use cartridges."

"I will look at it afterwards," Robert Jordan said. "Have you hand grenades?"

Plenty.

"How many rounds per rifle?"

"Plenty."

"How many?"

"One hundred fifty. More maybe."

"What about other people?"

"For what?"

"To have sufficient force to take the posts and cover the bridge While I am blowing it. We should have double what we have."

"Take posts don't worry. What time day?"

"Daylight."

"Don't worry."

"I could use twenty more men, to be sure," Robert Jordan said.

"Good ones do not exist. You want undependables?"

"No. How many good ones?"

"Maybe four."

"Why so few?"

"No trust."

"For horseholders?"

"Must trust much to be horseholders."

"I'd like ten more good men if I could get them."

"Four."

"Anselmo told me there were over a hundred here in these hills."

"No good."

"You said thirty," Robert Jordan said to Pilar. "Thirty of a certain degree of dependability."

"What about the people of Elias?" Pilar shouted to Sordo. He shook his head.

"No good."

"You can't get ten?" Robert Jordan asked. Sordo looked at him with his flat, yellow eyes and shook his head.

"Four," he said and held up four fingers.

"Yours are good?" Robert Jordan asked, regretting it as he said it.

Sordo nodded.

"_Dentro de la gravedad_," he said in Spanish. "Within the limits of the danger." He grinned. "Will be bad, eh?"

"Possibly."

"Is the same to me," Sordo said simply and not boasting. "Better four good than much bad. In this war always much bad, very little good. Every day fewer good. And Pablo?" he looked at Pilar.

"As you know," Pilar said. "Worse every day."

Sordo shrugged his shoulders.

"Take drink," Sordo said to Robert Jordan. "I bring mine and four more. Makes twelve. Tonight we discuss all. I have sixty sticks dynamite. You want?"

"What per cent?"

"Don't know. Common dynamite. I bring."

"We'll blow the small bridge above with that," Robert Jordan said. "That is fine. You'll come down tonight? Bring that, will you? I've no orders for that but it should be blown."

"I come tonight. Then hunt horses."

"What chance for horses?"

"Maybe. Now eat."

Does he talk that way to every one? Robert Jordan thought. Or is that his idea of how to make foreigners understand?

"And where are we going to go when this is done?" Pilar shouted into Sordo's ear.

He shrugged his shoulders.

"All that must be arranged," the woman said.

"Of course," said Sordo. "Why not?"

"It is bad enough," Pilar said. "It must be planned very well."

"Yes, woman," Sordo said. "What has thee worried?"

"Everything," Pilar shouted.

Sordo grinned at her.

"You've been going about with Pablo," he said.

So he does only speak that pidgin Spanish for foreigners, Robert Jordan thought. Good. I'm glad to hear him talking straight.

"Where do you think we should go?" Pilar asked.

"Where?"

"Yes, where?"

"There are many places," Sordo said. "Many places. You know Gredos?"

"There are many people there. All these places will be cleaned up as soon as they have time."

"Yes. But it is a big country and very wild."

"It would be very difficult to get there," Pilar said.

"Everything is difficult," El Sordo said. "We can get to Gredos as well as to anywhere else. Travelling at night. Here it is very dangerous now. It is a miracle we have been here this long. Gredos is safer country than this."

"Do you know where I want to go?" Pilar asked him.

"Where? The Paramera? That's no good."

"No," Pilar said. "Not the Sierra de Paramera. I want to go to the Republic."

"That is possible."

"Would your people go?"

"Yes. If I say to."

"Of mine, I do not know," Pilar said. "Pablo would not want to although, truly, he might feel safer there. He is too old to have to go for a soldier unless they call more classes. The gypsy will not wish to go. I do not know about the others."

"Because nothing passes her for so long they do not realize the danger," El Sordo said.

"Since the planes today they will see it more," Robert Jordan said. "But I should think you could operate very well from the Gredos."

"What?" El Sordo said and looked at him with his eyes very flat. There was no friendliness in the way he asked the question.

"You could raid more effectively from there," Robert Jordan said.

"So," El Sordo said. "You know Gredos?"

"Yes. You could operate against the main line of the railway from there. You could keep cutting it as we are doing farther south in Estremadura. To operate from there would be better than returning to the Republic," Robert Jordan said. "You are more useful there."

They had both gotten sullen as he talked.

Sordo looked at Pilar and she looked back at him.

"You know Gredos?" Sordo asked. "Truly?"

"Sure," said Robert Jordan.

"Where would you go?"

"Above Barco de Avila. Better places than here. Raid against the main road and the railroad between Bejar and Plasencia."

"Very difficult," Sordo said.

"We have worked against that same railroad in much more dangerous country in Estremadura," Robert Jordan said.

"Who is we?"

"The _guerrilleros_ group of Estremadura."

"You are many?"

"About forty."

"Was the one with the bad nerves and the strange name from there?" asked Pilar.

"Yes."

"Where is he now?"

"Dead, as I told you."

"You are from there, too?"

"Yes."

"You see what I mean?" Pilar said to him.

And I have made a mistake, Robert Jordan thought to himself. I have told Spaniards we can do something better than they can when the rule is never to speak of your own exploits or abilities. When I should have flattered them I have told them what I think they should do and now they are furious. Well, they will either get over it or they will not. They are certainly much more useful in the Gredos than here. The proof is that here they have done nothing since the train that Kashkin organized. It was not much of a show. It cost the fascists one engine and killed a few troops but they all talk as though it were the high point of the war. Maybe they will shame into going to the Gredos. Yes and maybe I will get thrown out of here too. Well, it is not a very rosy-looking dish anyway that you look into it.

"Listen _Ingles_," Pilar said to him. "How are your nerves?"

"All right," said Robert Jordan. "O.K."

"Because the last dynamiter they sent to work with us, although a formidable technician, was very nervous."

"We have nervous ones," Robert Jordan said.

"I do not say that he was a coward because he comported himself very well," Pilar went on. "But he spoke in a very rare and windy way." She raised her voice. "Isn't it true, Santiago, that the last dynamiter, he of the train, was a little rare?"

"_Algo raro_," the deaf man nodded and his eyes went over Robert Jordan's face in a way that reminded him of the round opening at the end of the wand of a vacuum cleaner. "_Si, algo raro, pero bueno_."

"_Murio_," Robert Jordan said into the deaf man's ear. "He is dead."

"How was that?" the deaf man asked, dropping his eyes down from Robert Jordan's eyes to his lips.

"I shot him," Robert Jordan said. "He was too badly wounded to travel and I shot him."

"He was always talking of such a necessity," Pilar said. "It was his obsession."

"Yes," said Robert Jordan. "He was always talking of such a necessity and it was his obsession."

"_Como fue?_" the deaf man asked. "Was it a train?"

"It was returning from a train," Robert Jordan said. "The train was successful. Returning in the dark we encountered a fascist patrol and as we ran he was shot high in the back but without hitting any bone except the shoulder blade. He travelled quite a long way, but with the wound was unable to travel more. He was unwilling to be left behind and I shot him."

"_Menos mal_," said El Sordo. "Less bad."