So Much It Hurts

 

Each thundering crash of the ocean waves in the distance administered a dose of therapy to my soul. With my towel draped across my lounge chair, I reclined by the water’s edge sipping a Piña Colada from a hurricane glass adorned by a tiny pink umbrella. My life had all but suffocated me the past few months, and I desperately needed a change of scenery.

Lisa’s voice interrupted my thoughts. “Come on, Kaitlyn, let’s go inside and get ready to par-tay,” she called from the edge of the pool, overemphasizing her last word.

I suppressed a laugh. Only late twenty-somethings remember when it was cool to pronounce it ‘par-tay’. No need to point out the fact that we were nearly too old to hit the clubs.

Two guys standing at the tiki bar turned to stare at Lisa as she stepped out of the water. She reminded me of a super model as she brushed her long brown hair away from her eyes. I met Lisa soon after she found out she was pregnant with her second son. I thought she was the most beautiful pregnant woman I had ever seen. However, Lisa’s sweet disposition far outweighed her attractiveness. Like the fair-complexioned cartoon princess, I could almost picture the birds singing to her while they helped her fold the laundry at home. Unaware of the caliber of her beauty, she never seemed to notice when other men were checking her out. She had been happily married to her high school sweetheart for almost seven years.

I chuckled under my breath while I watched the two beefcake rubbernecks at the tiki bar gawk at her over their mirrored aviator sunglasses.

“Ok, let’s go,” I replied before I gulped the rest of my drink.

The other girls were toweling off and grabbing their bags to head upstairs to the condo. I looked around my mini-paradise, content with my surroundings. The palm trees swayed against the warm breeze, while the seagulls flew overhead searching for their next meal. The stark white sand glistened for miles under the hot sun, while the swells of the ocean waves toppled against the shore. For the first time I felt a freedom I had not experienced in a long time.

I left my single life of drinking and dancing behind the day I found out I was pregnant with Eli. Michael and I had no plans of marriage until we saw those two pink lines on that cold November morning. I had set my future of becoming a pediatric psychologist aside while I made arrangements to become a stay-at-home mom. My entire life seemed to have been on hold the last five years. I quickly learned that being a stay-at-home mom was not all picnics and play dates. I felt trapped under the interminable mountain of laundry, amid the infinite overflow of dirty dishes, by the everlasting song of the purple dinosaur, and with the incessant whine of a tired and cranky child. I could not remember the last time I had enjoyed a night out. I was actually looking forward to it.

I assumed Michael and Eli were just sitting down for dinner at Burger Land. Michael, the staunch and successful CPA at a prosperous accounting firm, was much too busy to cook while I was away. He almost balked at the idea of my weekend escape.

 

“Kaitlyn, I just can’t afford for you to leave right now. I need to go into work in the coming weekends to prepare for several big upcoming meetings. Work is just more important than some silly girls retreat right now.”

“That’s the problem, Michael. Your work. Our lives revolve around your work. You always put your work before your family.”

“My work pays the bills! Last time I checked, dishes and laundry don’t pay the bills.”

“That’s just it, Michael. Dishes and laundry don’t pay the bills, nor do they create a fulfilling life! I’m worth more than just being slave for this family! Do you know how depressing it is when your daily goal in life is to sweep up Goldfish off the floor and dig rocks out of pants pockets before throwing them in the washing machine? I feel like I’m in solitary confinement most of the time. And then my husband comes home and carries his plate of supper into his office only to disappear for hours on end, coming to bed well after I’ve gone to sleep. That happens so often these days that sex is not even in our vocabulary anymore. I’ve spent the last five years in this unfulfilling life, wiping asses and noses, sweeping crumbs off the floor, and passing a practically nonexistent husband occasionally in the hallway!”

Five years of pent up frustration barreled its way out of me in harsh tones and salty tears.

“We all need a break sometimes, Kaitlyn. Don’t you dare think you are the only one sacrificing your needs and wants for this family. I make sacrifices too!”

“Oh, really? You laugh it up with your coworkers at your lavish dinner meetings eating filet mignon with lobster tail and drinking $300 bottles of wine while I sit at home eating chicken nuggets for the third time in a week. When Eli was a baby, you played your endless golf games and slept soundly in your luxurious hotel rooms while I sat at home breastfeeding until my nipples were raw, and spent my nights cleaning up explosive diapers! I never realized those fringe benefits at work were considered sacrifices for you! Please forgive me if I was mistaken!” My seething comments oozed with sarcasm.

Michael glared at me under furrowed eyebrows. He wanted to say something, but refrained. Instead, he just huffed and stomped to his office, slamming the door behind him.

I stared at his office door, half expecting him to open it back up and say whatever it was he seemed to want to say. But, it remained closed. I could already hear him pecking away at his keyboard on his computer. What had happened to us over the past few years? It’s not that we hated each other. We were still cordial most of the time, but our marriage had become stale, stagnant, and downright boring. We worked great together as a team to run a household and raise a child, but most of the time I felt like we were just roommates passing each other in the bathroom, taking turns using the sink. Our conversations used to be interesting and compelling. Now, it seemed the only thing we discussed was whose turn it was to put Eli to bed. His office was his sanctuary, and my

nose stayed in a book.

Slowly, I turned around and walked away from his closed office door, in search of my e-reader with its newly downloaded novel.

“If you really want to go, then go. I can rearrange some things at work,” he muttered later that night as I lay in bed scouring the beach resort pamphlet that had come in the mail that afternoon.

“You have no idea how much I need this,” I sighed.

“Then go, enjoy your weekend. I’ll do what I can to make it work,” he grumbled. With that, he grabbed the blanket and rolled over to go to sleep.

 

I felt slightly guilty that he would have to rearrange his schedule, but not guilty enough to stay home. I deserved this break. I needed this break before I completely lost my mind.

So, here I was at the beach taking advantage of my much needed getaway, while Michael and Eli probably enjoyed a Classic Burger from Burger Land. Eli would be overjoyed with the idea of a Junior Meal for dinner. He had been begging for one of the new Space Deputy toys for a week.

“Hello?”

“Hey, sweetie,” I cooed.

“Hey, Mommy,” Eli said happily, “Guess what? I got the new Captain Neptune toy tonight!”

I laughed. “I figured Daddy would take you to Burger Land.”

“Yeah, and it’s so cool, Mom!”

“I bet,” I agreed.

“Wanna talk to Daddy?” Eli blurted out, obviously too busy with his new toy to spend another second talking to me.

“Sure, sweetie. Bye, I love you.”

“Love you too, Mommy!”

“Hey you, are you having fun?” Michael asked as he brought the phone to his ear.

“So far I am. We’re going out tonight too. Karaoke, I think.”

“Sounds fun. I hope you girls have a great time.”

“Well, I guess I better go get ready for our big night out. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Ok, goodnight. Talk to you later.”

“Who’s ready for a night on the town?” Shannon called from the bathroom as she stood in front of the mirror adding the final touches of her makeup. Shannon had been a stay-at-home mom for the last ten years. The epitome of homemaking, she always left me envious of her organizational skills and her level head. Shannon always seemed to have it all together.

“I know I am!” Tori yelled from the kitchen as she poured some vodka into her glass of orange juice. “I can’t remember the last time I’ve been out with the girls!” Without a doubt, Tori was the most physically fit mom of our group. Almost nothing prevented her from keeping her strict workout schedule at the local YMCA. She had muscle definition in

places I couldn’t even imagine having muscles at all.

Together, we were excited to have a few nights of fun without catering to the needs of our families.

I sat with my back to the stage. I had immersed myself so deeply in the conversation that I barely noticed karaoke had ended and a band had started setting up on stage. My friends and I were laughing hysterically at the fools we had made of ourselves during our poor rendition of Aretha Franklin’s song, Respect. Downing a few drinks prior to our performance gave me the courage to embarrass myself on stage.

In the background, a voice emerged from the microphone.

“Testing…one, two, three…Testing…”

The hair on the back of my neck stood upright. My body seemed to recognize the smooth and soothing voice, but my mind could not recall it.

I quickly spun around in my seat and stared at the figure on stage. We sat too far away from the stage, and the terrible lighting in the bar restricted my view.

“What’s the matter, Kaitlyn?” Shannon sounded concerned. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“That voice. It sounds so familiar. I’ve heard it before,” I stammered.

“Honestly Kaitlyn, the sign on the door said this band is debuting tonight and besides, who do you know that lives at the beach?” Tori asked.

“No one, I guess,” I sighed.

But, there was something about the voice that I recognized. I felt sure I had heard it before.

The mysterious voice began to sing and my thoughts drowned out the conversation around me. I dug deep into my memory grasping for any recollection I could muster.

Nothing sprang to my mind. But, that soothing melodic voice, crept up the back of my spine, tingling and sensuous, radiating through my chest. I just could not conjure up the face connected to the voice. The timbre resonated familiarity, but the perplexity remained.

“Seriously, Kaitlyn, what’s gotten into you?” Tori looked at me wide-eyed. “You don’t look so good.”

I didn’t realize it until she said it, but my face felt flush and my palms felt sweaty.

“I don’t know, guys. I just can’t explain it. I think I know the lead singer of this band.

What was the band’s name again?”

“Big Five, or something cheesy like that. Why?” Lisa piped up.

“I don’t know. I just can’t place it…”

The voice on the stage mesmerized me. The face connected to the voice remained a mystery as the conversation swirled around me. I sat there and considered just getting up and walking toward the front of the stage to get a good look and quickly solve the mystery. But, to avoid looking like some desperate middle-aged groupie heading to the stage for attention, I stayed seated and half-heartedly listened to Tori drone on about her workout routine and her ‘clean eating’ diet.

Suddenly, the voice was behind me.

“Kaitlyn?”

The girls at my table froze. Their eyes looked up at the mystery man standing behind me. I whirled around to see who caused my friends’ jaws to drop in awe. My breath caught in my throat while my heart immediately began pounding in my chest. A face from a long forgotten past stood in front of me.

His name immediately sprang from my lips, “Chris!”

“Wow, Kaitlyn. I can’t believe it’s really you.”

“Chris,” I said again almost breathlessly, “how long has it been?”

“Eight years and five months, almost to the day,” Chris blurted without even taking time to think about it, as if he had been etching hash marks on his wall for each passing day.

“Unbelievable,” I said with a hint of nostalgia as my mind tried to drift back to a time I had tried earnestly to erase from my memory. But, immediately I snapped myself back into reality.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“I live here. I write music by day, and play music by night. Our band is working on its first album….what…are you doing here?” Chris looked around the table. The girls stared up at him. I could not tell if they were ogling him because he was stunningly gorgeous, or if they were just shocked by the fact that another man, besides my husband, so obviously took my breath away. Deep down, I hoped they did not even notice my breathless anguish.

“Oh wow, where are my manners?” I said, embarrassed. “These are my friends… Lisa, Shannon, and Tori. We’re here for a ladies’ weekend retreat.”

The girls continued to look up in awe. Chris looked as handsome as ever. His breathtaking physique defined itself beneath his tight black T-shirt. They sputtered and stammered their hellos, and he politely smiled. But, his eyes quickly diverted and caught my gaze. Those same dark eyes that melted my heart more than eight years ago were searching mine. I hoped my friends were not aware of the pounding in my chest. The awkward, yet intimate moment stirred emotions I had not felt in many years.

“Well, I guess I better get back to the stage. The boys are ready to play again,” Chris smiled amiably at my friends. His eyes searched mine, and he beamed that same wide grin that once made my heart turn flips in my chest.

“Ok,” I grinned back, trying to suppress the feeling that was welling up inside of me. “I’ll see you around.”

I watched Chris walk back toward the stage. Shaking my head in disbelief, I looked back at the girls sitting around the table. They all stared at me in wide-eyed astonishment.

“What?” I blinked my eyes innocently.

“Who. Was. That?” Lisa asked, emphasizing every word.

“Oh, that was just a guy I knew from high school,” I shrugged indifferently.

“No, Kaitlyn.” Tori remarked emphatically. “That was not just a guy.”

“Yeah,” Shannon announced, looking over my shoulder, “Wow.” She stared in his direction, bewildered.

“Guys!” I snapped. “Stop staring, ok? He really was just a guy I knew from high school….who I happened to be in love with at the time.”

“Whoa, I bet that was a blast from the past!” Lisa exclaimed.

“Yeah,” I sighed, “something like that.” I looked down at the trembling hands in my lap. I had no idea that seeing him would stir up so many emotions in the pit of my stomach.

“Oh honey,” Shannon patted my shoulder. Finishing her sentence seemed unnecessary. I felt her sympathy.

The rest of the night blurred by as my mind focused on the tranquilizing voice that poured from the speakers. Occasionally I would sneak a peek toward the stage. I could feel his eyes settling on me, even in the darkness.

His voice, gravelly and breathless behind the microphone, felt warm and comforting like a soft blanket on a cool night. The quiver in my stomach and the tremble of my hands were evidence of the effect Chris had on me. Ashamed, I tried in vain to hide my anguish. Occasionally, Shannon would pat my hand, out of sight from the rest of the girls. I smiled meekly at her as she nodded her head in understanding.

“So, are you guys ready to call it a night?” Shannon’s eyes looked tired as she sipped her last Cosmo.

We all agreed, began to gather our purses, and stood up to leave.

“Kaitlyn,” Chris spoke from behind me again.

The sound of his voice startled me, and I dropped my keys. “Oh, sorry,” he said as he quickly bent down to pick them up. “It’s ok,” I laughed, “I’m not usually so clumsy.”

His fingers brushed mine as he handed them back to me. The tingle from his touch radiated up my arm. I heard a nervous giggle escape from my lips. My hand flew up and covered my mouth, and I immediately felt embarrassed.

“You really made my night,” Chris declared with a crooked grin. “I can’t believe it’s been eight years.”

“Me either,” I concurred.

“See you again tomorrow night?” he asked hopefully, “I mean, let’s not let another eight years go by.”

“Absolutely,” I agreed without thinking. “We’ll be here all weekend. I’m sure I’ll see you around.”

“Great!” he replied, flashing his perfect smile at me.

As hard as I tried not to notice, Chris looked absolutely amazing. His black T-shirt clung to his well-formed chest. The smoldering intensity of his eyes staring into mine sent chills rippling through my body. “I look forward to it,” he admitted.

“I just can’t believe it’s really you.” I could barely contain the elation in my voice. Without thinking, I reached out to hug him. He seemed shocked, but welcomed the hug.

He enveloped me in his arms and whispered, “I’ve never forgotten you.”

His breath was hot against my ear. I inhaled the mixed aroma of aftershave and breath mints as I tried to burn his scent into my memory. A breath escaped my lungs and

lodged in my throat. ‘I’m a married woman,’ I rebuked myself. Quickly, I pulled away from him and practically ran to catch up to my friends.

“Oh my goodness, girl! Tell us everything!” Lisa exclaimed as we walked into the living room of our condo.

“What’s there to tell?” I asked.

Shannon spoke up. “Well, for starters, did you see the way he looked at you? And, did you see the way he looked in that shirt? Wow!”

I laughed nervously. While these girls were my closest friends, I did not feel emotionally prepared to rehash the history I had with Chris, nor did I feel strong enough to reopen old wounds I had spent years trying to heal.

“C’mon, Kaitlyn. Give us the scoop,” Tori whined. “We want to know about this hot mystery guy.”

I sighed, preparing myself for the heartrending wave of emotion I knew I was about to experience by divulging the intimate details of my past.

My mind, as it creaked open the lid of the proverbial can of worms, drifted back to a time and place it had only visited in my dreams since the girl I once knew well, but barely recognized anymore, had sped away in her fully packed VW Jetta with hope to start a new life in college.

Each thundering crash of the ocean waves in the distance administered a dose of therapy to my soul. With my towel draped across my lounge chair, I reclined by the water’s edge sipping a Piña Colada from a hurricane glass adorned by a tiny pink umbrella. My life had all but suffocated me the past few months, and I desperately needed a change of scenery.

Lisa’s voice interrupted my thoughts. “Come on, Kaitlyn, let’s go inside and get ready to par-tay,” she called from the edge of the pool, overemphasizing her last word.

I suppressed a laugh. Only late twentysomethings remember when it was cool to pronounce it ‘par-tay’. No need to point out the fact that we were nearly too old to hit the clubs.

Two guys standing at the tiki bar turned to stare at Lisa as she stepped out of the water. She reminded me of a super model as she brushed her long brown hair away from her eyes. I met Lisa soon after she found out she was pregnant with her second son. I thought she was the most beautiful pregnant woman I had ever seen. However, Lisa’s sweet disposition far outweighed her attractiveness. Like the fair-complexioned cartoon princess, I could almost picture the birds singing to her while they helped her fold the laundry at home. Unaware of the caliber of her beauty, she never seemed to notice when other men were checking her out. She had been happily married to her high school sweetheart for almost seven years.

I chuckled under my breath while I watched the two beefcake rubbernecks at the tiki bar gawk at her over their mirrored aviator sunglasses.

“Ok, let’s go,” I replied before I gulped the rest of my drink.

The other girls were toweling off and grabbing their bags to head upstairs to the condo. I looked around my mini-paradise---the palm tree leaves swaying against the warm breeze, the seagulls flying overhead searching for their next meal, the stark white

sand that glistened for miles under the hot sun, and the constant ebb and flow of the ocean at the water’s edge. For the first time I felt a freedom I had not experienced in a long time.

I left my single life of drinking and dancing behind the day I found out I was pregnant with Eli. Michael and I had no plans of marriage until we saw those two pink lines on that cold November morning. I had set my future of becoming a pediatric psychologist aside while I made arrangements to become a stay-at-home mom. My entire life seemed to have been on hold the last five years. I quickly learned that being a stay-at-home mom was not all picnics and play dates. I felt trapped under the interminable mountain of laundry, amid the infinite overflow of dirty dishes, by the everlasting song of the purple dinosaur, and with the incessant whine of a tired and cranky child. I could not remember the last time I had enjoyed a night out. I was actually looking forward to it.

I assumed Michael and Eli were just sitting down for dinner at Burger Land. Michael, the staunch and successful CPA at a prosperous accounting firm, was much too busy to cook while I was away. He almost balked at the idea of my weekend escape.

 

“Kaitlyn, I just can’t afford for you to leave right now. I need to go into work in the coming weekends to prepare for several big upcoming meetings. Work is just more important than some silly girls retreat right now.”

“That’s the problem, Michael. Your work. Our lives revolve around your work. You always put your work before your family.”

“My work pays the bills! Last time I checked, dishes and laundry don’t pay the bills.”

“That’s just it, Michael. Dishes and laundry don’t pay the bills, nor do they create a fulfilling life! I’m worth more than just being slave for this family! Do you know how depressing it is when your daily goal in life is to sweep up Goldfish off the floor and dig rocks out of pants pockets before throwing them in the washing machine? I feel like I’m in solitary confinement most of the time. And then my husband comes home and carries his plate of supper into his office only to disappear for hours on end, coming to bed well after I’ve gone to sleep. That happens so often these days that sex is not even in our vocabulary anymore. I’ve spent the last five years in this unfulfilling life, wiping asses and noses, sweeping crumbs off the floor, and passing a practically nonexistent husband occasionally in the hallway!”

Five years of pent up frustration barreled its way out of me in harsh tones and salty tears.

“We all need a break sometimes, Kaitlyn. Don’t you dare think you are the only one sacrificing your needs and wants for this family. I make sacrifices too!”

“Oh, really? You laugh it up with your coworkers at your lavish dinner meetings eating filet mignon with lobster tail and drinking $300 bottles of wine while I sit at home eating chicken nuggets for the third time in a week. When Eli was a baby, you played your endless golf games and slept soundly in your luxurious hotel rooms while I sat at home breastfeeding until my nipples were raw, and spent my nights cleaning up explosive diapers! I never realized those fringe benefits at work were considered sacrifices for you! Please forgive me if I was mistaken!”

My seething comments oozed with sarcasm.

Michael glared at me under furrowed eyebrows. He wanted to say something, but refrained. Instead, he just huffed and stomped to his office, slamming the door behind him.

I stared at his office door, half expecting him to open it back up and say whatever it was he seemed to want to say. But, it remained closed. I could already hear him pecking away at his keyboard on his computer. What had happened to us over the past few years? It’s not that we hated each other. We were still cordial most of the time, but our marriage had become stale, stagnant, and downright boring. We worked great together as a team to run a household and raise a child, but most of the time I felt like we were just roommates passing each other in the bathroom, taking turns using the sink. Our conversations used to be interesting and compelling. Now, it seemed the only thing we discussed was whose turn it was to put Eli to bed. His office was his sanctuary, and my nose stayed in a book.

Slowly, I turned around and walked away from his closed office door, in search of my e-reader with its newly downloaded novel.

“If you really want to go, then go. I can rearrange some things at work,” he muttered later that night as I lay in bed scouring the beach resort pamphlet that had come in the mail that afternoon.

“You have no idea how much I need this,” I sighed.

“Then go, enjoy your weekend. I’ll do what I can to make it work,” he grumbled. With that, he grabbed the blanket and rolled over to go to sleep.

 

I felt slightly guilty that he would have to rearrange his schedule, but not guilty enough to stay home. I deserved this break. I needed this break before I completely lost my mind.

 

So, here I was at the beach taking advantage of my much needed getaway, while Michael and Eli probably enjoyed a Classic Burger from Burger Land. Eli would be overjoyed with the idea of a Junior Meal for dinner. He had been begging for one of the new Space Deputy toys for a week.

“Hello?”

“Hey, sweetie,” I cooed.

“Hey, Mommy,” Eli said happily, “Guess what? I got the new Captain Neptune toy tonight!”

I laughed. “I figured Daddy would take you to Burger Land.”

“Yeah, and it’s so cool, Mom!”

“I bet,” I agreed.

“Wanna talk to Daddy?” Eli blurted out, obviously too busy with his new toy to spend another second talking to me.

“Sure, sweetie. Bye, I love you.”

“Love you too, Mommy!”

“Hey you, are you having fun?” Michael asked as he brought the phone to his ear.

“So far I am. We’re going out tonight too. Karaoke, I think.”

“Sounds fun. I hope you girls have a great time.”

“Thanks. Well, I guess I better go get ready for our big night out. I just wanted to call to say goodnight and check on Eli.”

“We’re fine,” Michael assured me.

“I’ll talk to you later, then.”

“Ok, goodnight. Talk to you later.” I heard the phone disconnect and I sat there, dumbfounded.

“Love you too,” I grumbled at the blank screen, a common occurrence when ending my conversations with Michael. In fact, I couldn’t even remember the last time he told me he loved me. Most of his ‘I love yous’ were saved for Eli….and that bimbo from his office… what was her name? Dollface? Homewrecker? Oh yeah, Bridget.

 

“Hello, Weston and Associates. This is Mr. Thomas’s office. May I help you?” a perky voice answered my husband’s phone one day from his private office line.

“Who’s speaking?” I asked sharply.

“This is Bridget, Mr. Thomas’s new personal assistant. How may I help you?”

“Well, Bridget, this is Kaitlyn Thomas, Michael’s wife. May I speak with him, please?”

“Sure, Mrs. Thomas. Just a moment, please.”

I heard indistinct sounds and murmurings as the phone was being passed to Michael.

“Hey,” Michael sounded annoyed. “What’s up?”

“I…uh…” I couldn’t really remember what I needed. Bridget’s perkiness coming from my husband’s personal phone had completely messed with my mind.

“Oh, and Bridget,” Michael’s muffled voice echoed through the phone as if he had a hand covering the speaker. “While you’re out, will you stop by Starbucks for me?”

“Absolutely, Mr. Thomas” she cooed. God, I hated her.

“Do you want your usual?” He has a usual?

“Definitely. Thanks, babe. Love ya, mean it.”

Thanks babe? Love ya, mean it? What the hell?! Heat coursed through my veins as I struggled to contain my rage.

“Sorry, about that,” Michael’s voice rang clear as he dropped his hand from the phone speaker, indicating that, once again, he was speaking to me. “Did you need something, Kaitlyn?”

Yeah, I need that tramp to get fired.

“Yeah, I just wanted to remind you that Eli’s tee ball game is tonight at six.” Michael sighed. “Sorry, I have to work late tonight.”

“Of course you do.” I said snidely.

“What was that for?” Michael snapped.

“Thanks, babe. Love ya, mean it” I mocked him in the same pouty voice Bridget used

to get his attention. “What the hell, Michael?”

“What? It’s totally innocent. Bridget knows that. I just say junk like that so she’ll bring me my coffee. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“Right. I guess that’s why when I fix your coffee for you every morning you barely take time to thank me, much less tell me you love me.”

Michael huffed. “I don’t have time to argue, Kaitlyn. I’m sorry. If it makes you feel better, I won’t say it again. Bridget knows I’m teasing her. It’s nothing. I swear.”

“Ok, Michael. Whatever. I guess we’ll see you after the game.”

“Fine. See you later.”

Michael disconnected, and I gripped the phone angrily as if taking my frustration out on the electronic device would somehow rectify the situation.

“Love you too,” I muttered, as the words ‘thanks babe’ and ‘love ya, mean it’ bounced around in my mind like tiny wooden balls tumbling in a bingo cage.

 

“Who’s ready for a night on the town?” Shannon called from the bathroom as she stood in front of the mirror adding the final touches of her makeup. Shannon had been a stay-at-home mom for the last ten years. The epitome of homemaking, she always left me envious of her organizational skills and her level head. Shannon always seemed to have it all together.

“I know I am!” Tori yelled from the kitchen as she poured some vodka into her glass of orange juice. “I can’t remember the last time I’ve been out with the girls!” Without a doubt, Tori could claim to be the most physically fit mom of our group. Almost nothing prevented her from keeping her strict workout schedule at the local YMCA. She had muscle definition in places I couldn’t even imagine having muscles at all.

Together, we were excited to have a few nights of fun without catering to the needs of our families.

…………………

 

I sat with my back to the stage. I had immersed myself so deeply in the conversation that I barely noticed karaoke had ended and a band had started setting up on stage. My friends and I were laughing hysterically at the fools we had made of ourselves during our poor rendition of Aretha Franklin’s song, Respect. Downing a few drinks prior to our performance gave me the courage to embarrass myself on stage.

In the background, a voice emerged from the microphone.

“Testing…one, two, three…Testing…”

The hair on the back of my neck stood upright. My body seemed to recognize the smooth and soothing voice, but my mind could not recall it.

I quickly spun around in my seat and stared at the figure on stage. We sat too far away from the stage, and the terrible lighting in the bar restricted my view.

“What’s the matter, Kaitlyn?” Shannon sounded concerned. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“That voice. It sounds so familiar. I’ve heard it before,” I stammered.

“Honestly Kaitlyn, the sign on the door said this band is debuting tonight and besides,

who do you know that lives at the beach?” Tori asked.

“No one, I guess,” I sighed.

But, there was something about the voice that I recognized. I felt sure I had heard it before.

The mysterious voice began to sing and my thoughts drowned out the conversation around me. I dug deep into my memory grasping for any recollection I could muster.

Nothing sprang to my mind. But, that soothing melodic voice, crept up the back of my spine, tingling and sensuous, radiating through my chest. I just could not conjure up the face connected to the voice. The timbre resonated familiarity, but the perplexity remained.

“Seriously, Kaitlyn, what’s gotten into you?” Tori looked at me wide-eyed. “You don’t look so good.”

I didn’t realize it until she said it, but my face felt flush and my palms felt sweaty.

“I don’t know, guys. I just can’t explain it. I think I know the lead singer of this band.

What was the band’s name again?”

“Big Five, or something cheesy like that. Why?” Lisa piped up.

“I don’t know. I just can’t place it…”

The voice on the stage mesmerized me. The face connected to the voice remained a mystery as the conversation swirled around me. I sat there and considered just getting up and walking toward the front of the stage to get a good look and quickly solve the mystery. But, to avoid looking like some desperate middle-aged groupie heading to the stage for attention, I stayed seated and half-heartedly listened to Tori drone on about her workout routine and her ‘clean eating’ diet.

Suddenly, the voice was behind me.

“Kaitlyn?”

The girls at my table froze. Their eyes looked up at the mystery man standing behind me. I whirled around to see who caused my friends’ jaws to drop in awe. My breath caught in my throat while my heart immediately began pounding in my chest. A face from a long forgotten past stood in front of me.

His name immediately sprang from my lips, “Chris!”

“Wow, Kaitlyn. I can’t believe it’s really you.”

“Chris,” I said again almost breathlessly, “how long has it been?”

“Eight years and five months, almost to the day,” Chris blurted without even taking time to think about it, as if he had been etching hash marks on his wall for each passing day.

“Unbelievable,” I said with a hint of nostalgia as my mind tried to drift back to a time I had tried earnestly to erase from my memory. But, immediately I snapped myself back into reality.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“I live here. I write music by day, and play music by night. Our band is working on its first album….what…are you doing here?” Chris looked around the table. The girls stared up at him. I could not tell if they were ogling him because he was stunningly gorgeous, or if they were just shocked by the fact that another man, besides my husband, so obviously

took my breath away. Deep down, I hoped they didn’t even notice my breathless anguish.

“Oh wow, where are my manners?” I said, embarrassed. “These are my friends… Lisa, Shannon, and Tori. We’re here for a ladies’ weekend retreat.”

The girls continued to look up in awe. Chris looked as handsome as ever. His breathtaking physique defined itself beneath his tight black T-shirt. They sputtered and stammered their hellos, and he politely smiled. But, his eyes quickly diverted and caught my gaze. Those same dark eyes that melted my heart more than eight years ago were searching mine. I hoped my friends were not aware of the pounding in my chest. The awkward, yet intimate moment stirred emotions I had not felt in many years.

“Well, I guess I better get back to the stage. The boys are ready to play again,” Chris smiled amiably at my friends. His eyes searched mine and he beamed, that same wide grin that once made my heart turn flips in my chest.

“Ok,” I grinned back, trying to suppress the feeling that was welling up inside of me. “I’ll see you around.”

I watched Chris walk back toward the stage. Shaking my head in disbelief, I looked back at the girls sitting around the table. They all stared at me in wide-eyed astonishment.

“What?” I blinked my eyes innocently.

“Who. Was. That?!” Lisa asked, emphasizing every word.

“Oh, that was just a guy I knew from high school,” I shrugged indifferently.

“No, Kaitlyn.” Tori remarked emphatically. “That was not just a guy.”

“Yeah,” Shannon announced, looking over my shoulder, “Wow.” She stared in his direction, bewildered.

“Guys!” I snapped. “Stop staring, ok? He really was just a guy I knew from high school….who I happened to be in love with at the time.”

“Whoa, I bet that was a blast from the past!” Lisa exclaimed.

“Yeah,” I sighed, “something like that.” I looked down at the trembling hands in my lap. I had no idea that seeing him would stir up so many emotions in the pit of my stomach.

“Oh honey,” Shannon patted my shoulder. Finishing her sentence seemed unnecessary. I felt her sympathy.

The rest of the night blurred by as my mind focused on the tranquilizing voice that poured from the speakers. Occasionally I would sneak a peek toward the stage. I could feel his eyes settling on me, even in the darkness.

His voice, gravelly and breathless behind the microphone, felt warm and comforting like a soft blanket on a cool night. The quiver in my stomach and the tremble of my hands were evidence of the effect Chris had on me. Ashamed, I tried in vain to hide my anguish. Occasionally, Shannon would pat my hand, out of sight from the rest of the girls. I smiled meekly at her as she nodded her head in understanding.

“So, are you guys ready to call it a night?” Shannon’s eyes looked tired as she sipped her last Cosmo.

We all agreed, began to gather our purses, and stood up to leave.

“Kaitlyn,” Chris spoke from behind me again.

The sound of his voice startled me, and I dropped my keys. “Oh, sorry,” he said as he quickly bent down to pick them up. “It’s ok,” I laughed, “I’m not usually so clumsy.”

His fingers brushed mine as he handed them back to me. The tingle from his touch radiated up my arm. I heard a nervous giggle escape from my lips. My hand flew up and covered my mouth, and I immediately felt embarrassed.

“You really made my night,” Chris declared with a crooked grin. “I can’t believe it’s been eight years.”

“Me either,” I concurred.

“See you again tomorrow night?” he asked hopefully, “I mean, let’s not let another eight years go by.”

“Absolutely,” I agreed without thinking. “We’ll be here all weekend. I’m sure I’ll see you around.”

“Great!” he replied, flashing his perfect smile at me.

As hard as I tried not to notice, Chris looked absolutely amazing. His black T-shirt clung to his well-formed chest. The smoldering intensity of his eyes staring into mine sent chills rippling through my body. “I look forward to it,” he admitted.

“I just can’t believe it’s really you.” I could barely contain the elation in my voice. Without thinking, I reached out to hug him. He seemed shocked, but welcomed the hug.

He enveloped me in his arms and whispered, “I’ve never forgotten you.”

His breath was hot against my ear. I inhaled the mixed aroma of aftershave and breath mints as I tried to burn his scent into my memory. A breath escaped my lungs and lodged in my throat. ‘I’m a married woman,’ I rebuked myself. Quickly, I pulled away from him and practically ran to catch up to my friends.

“Oh my goodness, girl! Tell us everything!” Lisa exclaimed as we walked into the living room of our condo.

“What’s there to tell?” I asked.

Shannon spoke up. “Well, for starters, did you see the way he looked at you? And did you see the way he looked in that shirt? Wow!”

I laughed nervously. While these girls were my closest friends, I did not feel emotionally prepared to rehash the history I had with Chris, nor did I feel strong enough to reopen old wounds I had spent years trying to heal.

“C’mon, Kaitlyn. Give us the scoop,” Tori whined. “We want to know about this hot mystery guy.”

I sighed, preparing myself for the heartrending wave of emotion I knew I was about to experience by divulging the intimate details of my past.

My mind, as it creaked open the lid of the proverbial can of worms, drifted back to a time and place it had only visited in my dreams since the girl I once knew well, but barely recognized anymore, had sped away in her fully packed VW Jetta with hope to start a new life in college.