Chapter 10

For Lily, their kiss was more than just a meeting of lips. It was an unmistakable confession, and she was completely overpowered by the sensation. Anna’s mouth was soft and warm, the sweetest she had ever kissed, and her tongue took the word caress to a whole new level.

Too soon the kiss ended, both of them short of breath. Not willing to give up this intimate embrace, Lily buried her face into Anna’s neck. Though anxiety simmered that Anna would suddenly have doubts, the words replayed in her head. “I only want you.” If there was a chance on earth they could really be together, Lily would do whatever it took to make it happen.

Anna pulled her closer, cupping her head with her palm, swaying ever so slightly in a way that kept the sensations alive. They held each other like that for several minutes, not uttering a sound. Gradually, Lily felt the strain of the last six weeks recede. In its place was quiet, like a settling of her soul.

“I’ve been crazy without you,” Anna whispered. “I’ve missed you so much.”

They stood together silently for another few minutes, soaking up the calm. For Lily, the kiss had served only to whet her hunger. Leaning back, she studied Anna’s visage for signs of awkwardness or uncertainty. Finding neither, she brought her face closer, her eyes darting between Anna’s eyes and lips. Turning her head slightly at the last instant, they shared a breath as their lips met again.

The second kiss deepened with fervor as both were swept up again in excitement and wonder. Lily’s hands remained still, holding firmly to Anna’s shoulders. This wasn’t about sensual passion. It was about knowing for certain Anna was there.

When they broke again, Anna kissed her nose gently and rested a cheek against her forehead. “I have to go. I need to leave for the airport at six.”

“No. I’m never letting you leave.”

“Dad and I are going to Munich tomorrow for nine days. I’d like to go thinking you and I were okay again.”

“We’re okay, Amazon.”

“And when I get back, we’re going to talk about everything.”

“And kiss some more?”

“And kiss a lot more.”

 

Lily was running on pure adrenaline, charging into the office by seven thirty.

“Where did these bagels come from?” Pauline asked.

“I picked them up,” Lily answered, amused at Pauline’s surprised expression. They had probably gotten used to her surly behavior of late, but those days were behind her now.

Another thing that was behind her—at least it would be when Anna got home—was the sixty-hour work schedule she had fallen into to get her mind off how much she hurt. In place of those thoughts were all-new sensations—the kisses, the embrace, and Anna’s soft words of assurance. Unable to sleep after Anna left, she relived them all again and again. A part of her feared if she went to sleep, she would awaken and none of this would have happened.

It was Lily’s nature to be insecure. She grudgingly accepted that as the legacy from her biological mother, the one who had abandoned her. Her anxiety took her to horrible places, as she had lain awake worrying that Anna had freaked out after driving home. A simple phone call this morning would have set her fears to rest. Why hadn’t Anna just—

No. She would not screw this up with expectations about how Anna should act.

 

Nine days felt like an eternity to Lily. Her only contact with Anna had been three “thinking about you—hope you’re doing okay” messages left on her voicemail, once while she was in court, another while she had been in the shower, and the third while she was taking out the garbage at home. Now resigned to let her garbage reach the ceiling, Lily planted herself on the couch all day Saturday waiting for the phone to ring.

She had no idea how she would survive four more days of waiting. Mentally, she was preparing herself to wait even longer, given that Anna would have so much to do when she got home. Her plane got in at 4:07 on Wednesday afternoon. She would probably be exhausted from her trip, and go straight home to rest. Then she would want to go to the dealership because she needed to check on things. And she would probably have to sleep more on account of the jet lag. And see her family. Lily figured she would be lucky to see Anna again before next weekend, but at least they could talk to each other from the same time zone.

Her misery was interrupted by the loud ringing of phones all over her small apartment. She had turned the ringers to the max to be sure she wouldn’t inadvertently miss another call. Her hopes soared when the caller ID flashed “out of area.”

“Hello... This is she... No, I’m not interested.” The salesman was persistent, but Lily wouldn’t give an inch. And she wanted him off her phone. “No, the only thing I dislike about my current phone service is you having my number.” Irritated at the inconvenience, she hung up the receiver, immediately noticing the blinking message light. A quick dial of her voicemail confirmed her fears. She had missed Anna’s call again.

 

Frustrated beyond measure, Anna steered through the restaurant to where her father was waiting. She had tried to guess when Lily would be at home or at her desk, but no matter when or where she called, she always got voicemail. The time difference made it difficult, and the seminars left her with little free time to keep trying. She had hoped it would be easier to connect on the weekend, but even today’s call went unanswered.

Or maybe Lily was avoiding her calls again. Anna hadn’t wanted to consider that possibility, but it had taken her a week or more after Tahoe to realize that getting bounced to voicemail was no accident. But what could she have done to create this distance again?

By the look on her father’s face, he had noticed her unpleasant mood. And why wouldn’t he? Five days ago, she had been cheerful and upbeat for the first time in weeks. Now she was sullen and distracted again.

“Sweetheart, is everything okay?”

“Of course. The seminars are good. Your company is fabulous. It isn’t snowing. What more could a girl want?” She pasted on the best smile she could muster.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t buying it. “It’s just that you seemed so happy when we left, and now something’s clearly bothering you.”

“It’s nothing to worry about, Dad.” Anna didn’t want to have this conversation. “It’s just a small personal problem. I’ll work it out.”

Too late, she realized that was probably the worst thing she could have said. She wasn’t ready to talk about Lily to anyone, least of all her father.

“Anna, I’ve been watching you worry about things all by yourself for thirty-two years. I want to help.” She wouldn’t meet his eyes. “Please let me in there.”

She sighed. She had brought this on herself by being so transparent, and delivered her own coup de grace by calling it a personal problem. If she clammed up now, it would hurt her father’s feelings. “You remember my friend Lily, from the earthquake?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Well,” she started hesitantly. “We had a misunderstanding, but I thought we had it cleared up before I left. Now I’m not so sure.”

“Was it over what I said? If you want me to, I’ll apologize to her.”

“No, we got all that straightened out. I told her you were mistaken, and that I did all the hiring at the dealership anyway. And Kim told her you were off your medication that day and didn’t know what you were saying.” She enjoyed the look of surprise on his face.

“Off my medication?”

“You know how Kim is. Lily knew she was kidding.”

He visibly relaxed. “So what was this misunderstanding?”

She covered his hand with hers to ease his worries. “That’s the personal part, Dad. It isn’t something I want to talk about.”

He shifted in his seat and leaned forward, clearly agitated. “Anna, I understand Lily is important to you, but if she’s causing you distress, maybe it’s time to start putting that terrible earthquake ordeal behind you. You can’t let misguided obligations rule your life. Some things you just have to let go.”

Now it was Anna who was upset. Her evasive characterizations of the problem with Lily had led her father to assume the worst—that Lily was somehow pressing her into an unwanted friendship, and making unreasonable demands. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Standing abruptly, she gathered her jacket and purse. “I think I’m going to blow off the rest of this and head home.” Monday was only a half-day of seminars, followed by a luncheon, then a cocktail party for the North American dealership owners tomorrow night, and networking meetings all day Tuesday. “I’m just going to go back to my room and call the airline. Do you want me to change your ticket too?”

Her father scowled. “Anna, just calm down.”

“Dad, I need to go home and deal with this. If you want to stay until Wednesday, that’s fine.”

“We have meetings with important people. We need to stake our ground with the new owners in the California group. We can’t let them form exclusive alliances with other dealers and squeeze us out.”

He was right, but Anna couldn’t think about business. Why hadn’t Lily just answered her phone?

 

Lily spun in her chair and pulled the computer’s keyboard tray closer. For the last few days, she had watched the weather in Europe, anxious about a snowstorm blowing in from the North Sea. It was due to hit Germany on Tuesday, so Anna’s flight home the next day might be delayed, extending the torturous wait for her return.

Her stomach growled, announcing its displeasure at the late hour. It was almost eight o’clock, and the cleaning crew had started on the second floor offices. She was more than caught up with her work, but killing time in her office was better than being at home. How she would stand the next two days—or longer if the storm hit as scheduled—was anyone’s guess.

She hadn’t shared the news of Anna’s late-night visit with Sandy and Suzanne, wanting first to be sure it wasn’t just a fluke. She could almost convince herself it had never happened, and if Anna came back with seconds thoughts, that’s exactly what she would try to do.

But it had happened. Her proof was the burning memory of Anna’s lips on hers. No illusion could have created a sensation so sublime.

Despite that moment, missing all of Anna’s calls had her imagination on overload. What if she was calling to say the kiss was a mistake? Her messages on voicemail had been nice, but she hadn’t said anything that couldn’t be explained away as just friendly and polite. Certainly, there was nothing of a more intimate nature.

Exasperated with the pessimistic path of her thoughts, Lily checked the weather report one more time before logging off for good. With her briefcase in hand, she was about to turn off her light when the phone rang, scaring her out of her wits. Who would be calling the office at this hour?

“Lilian Stewart,” she said formally, reaching across her desk to slap the button that activated the speaker phone.

“Lily, it’s Anna.”

She dropped her briefcase and hurried back behind her desk, scrambling to pick up the receiver and disengage the speaker. In her haste, she very nearly disconnected the call.

“Lily, are you there?”

“Anna? God, if you’d waited thirty more seconds I would have been gone. And I would have missed you again.” She sank back into her chair, trying to calm herself. “This has been so frustrating. I’m going to be so happy to see you.”

“Then you may want to look out your window.”

Lily sat up straight and craned her neck, but the angle of the blinds prevented her from seeing the street. She stood up and stretched, parting the slats with one hand. There beneath a streetlight, Anna leaned against the fender of a limo. With her phone in one hand, she waved her fingers in Lily’s direction.

“You’re here.”

“I’m here.”

 

Anna paid the driver in twenties and thanked him for his patience. He set her bags on the curb just as Lily arrived.

“Welcome home,” Lily said, beaming.

They fell together in a tight hug, Anna relishing an end to the anxiety that had built over the past few days. “It seems like all I ever do is miss you.”

“The only way to fix that is for you to promise never to leave again.”

“Believe me. I’m not going anywhere.” She hooked one arm in Lily’s and picked up her shoulder bag. Lily grasped the handle of the large suitcase and dragged it behind her as they walked toward the parking lot. “I’ve been going crazy trying to reach you. And then I got scared you were ducking my calls again.”

“We still have to talk about all of that, Anna. I’m so sorry for how I acted, especially that night we had dinner. I was a flaming asshole.”

“No, you weren’t.” Anna didn’t care about anything in their past. Lily’s excited smile was all the assurance she needed to know the misunderstanding was behind them. “We don’t have to talk about anything unless you really want to. But you’re going to die when I tell you why all of this happened.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean when Todd followed me into the kitchen at Tahoe and kissed me, right out of the blue. I set him straight, and I was going to tell you all about it, but you left without even saying good-bye. I had no idea you saw that.”

“God, I was an idiot.” They reached the X3 and Lily opened the hatchback to stow the bags. “If only I hadn’t—”

“Forget it. I understand why you left. If I’d seen you kissing someone, I probably would have done the same thing.” Anna dumped her shoulder bag and held her arms wide for another hug. “But I don’t care about any of that now. All I care about is this.”

Anna loved the sensation of Lily in her arms, for the first time not feeling dwarfed by a man who presumed to be her protector. It was a different awareness, like that of being a true equal... and it felt very right.

“I don’t suppose you’re hungry,” Lily said.

“I ate on the plane. But I’ll go with you.”

“I can hit a drive-thru. Are you tired?” Lily walked around and opened the passenger door. “Stupid question. You’ve been flying for fifteen hours.”

“Yes, I’m tired. But I’m not expected back at the dealership until Friday, so I can sleep all day tomorrow.” She dropped her purse on the floorboard and turned back to Lily, who was waiting to close the door. Though a streetlight cast shadows across her face, her smile was unmistakable. “We have so much to make up for.”

“Let’s just start with this.” Lily stepped closer and gently cupped the back of Anna’s head, pulling her face down.

Anna hesitated only a moment before closing her eyes and meeting Lily’s lips. What did it matter they were kissing out in plain view of anyone who cared to look? The only person she worried about seeing her was still in Munich.

 

Anna was getting used to Lily’s couch. Since her return from Germany over a week ago, they had seen each other every day, including two nights like this one when Anna hung out at Lily’s apartment while she prepped her cases for court. They had slid easily into their old playfulness, the tension of the last six weeks forgotten.

Looking back, Anna realized she and her husband had never shared this kind of compatibility. In fact, any casualness she and Scott enjoyed as they got to know one another seemed to disappear for Anna once they moved their relationship to a romantic level. At that point, she became more self-conscious, more focused on saying and doing the right thing. With Lily, she felt comfortable just to be herself.

Tonight, she was stretched out reading the current issue of Car & Driver while Lily sat nearby on the floor reviewing a stack of legal briefs. Neither seemed to need the other’s attention, but Anna relished the quiet closeness.

Her physical desires for Lily were growing, albeit slowly. Scratch that, she admitted sheepishly. Her desires were soaring. But the part of her that wanted it all paled next to that which goaded her sexual insecurities. It wouldn’t be enough to give herself to Lily, as she had to Scott and Vince for their pleasure. This time, she wanted to take pleasure for herself, and give it equally in return.

As if reading her thoughts, Lily reached over her shoulder and absently stroked Anna’s thigh.

“I’m not going to let you get your work done if you keep that up,” Anna said, gesturing toward Lily’s hand.

“What are you going to do?”

“I might just have to pull you up here with me.”

Lily withdrew her hand and turned, arching her eyebrows suggestively. “Then maybe I should put my work away.” She let the papers fall and climbed onto the couch, draping her entire body along Anna’s frame.

Anna loved the feel of Lily’s weight on top of her. When their lips met, her hands began to roam from Lily’s thighs to her shoulders in an unbroken caress. As their kiss lengthened, it deepened, and soon Anna found herself responding to the exchange, moving her hips in a slow rhythm against Lily’s thigh. Lily’s hand found her breast, and she moaned, arching upward for more contact.

“God, you’re incredible,” Lily said as she suddenly stilled.

Anna had never felt such heated passion in her whole life— and this from only lying together on the couch. For the first time, she felt powerless over her physical desires. If Lily hadn’t stopped—

“I could get lost in you, Anna.” She pulled away and sat up. “That idea scares me half to death.”

Anna caught her elbow. This was the part Carolyn had warned her about, that Lily wouldn’t be able to trust her to stay. “What scares you?”

“Having you... and losing you.”

“Please don’t be afraid, Lily. I can’t promise you what will happen to us, but everything about this feels right to me. And it’s never been like that before.”

“Not ever?”

Anna shook her head. “I can’t explain it, but ever since I kissed you I’ve felt like my whole life was a lie... like I would never have found the right man because there isn’t one.” She sat all the way up and took Lily’s hand. “I’m not ready for what almost happened just now, but I’m not afraid of it. And I don’t want you to be either.”

“How can you not be afraid, Anna? Everything you’re facing is new.”

“It’s new because of the way I feel about you. But there’s a difference between fear and anticipation. And yes, I’m anxious about some things... especially sexual things. That part isn’t new for me at all. I’ve always been that way, but you excite me like no one ever has.”

“Whew!” Lily fanned herself with her hand. “I can tell you a thing or two about excitement.”

Anna chuckled. “Do you have any tips on how to leave when you don’t want to but you should?”

“Don’t ask me something like that, Amazon. I might have to lock the door.”

Anna pulled her into a tender kiss. “One of these days, I’ll help you do that.”

 

“Lilian Stewart,” she answered crisply into the receiver, not looking up at the display. She was due in court this afternoon to help Tony with jury selection in a housing discrimination case.

“Hi there, sweetheart. How’s your day?”

Lily nearly swooned at the endearment. “Hi, yourself. It just got better when I answered the phone. What’s up?” She stretched from her desk to push her office door closed.

“I wanted to ask you about something. Kim just called and invited me to dinner tonight. I want to tell her about us, if it’s okay with you.”

They had decided—actually Anna had asked—to keep their relationship quiet until they were more certain of their feelings. Lily took it as a good sign that Anna was ready to share things with her sister. On the other hand, it was also a risk, because Kim’s disapproval would be difficult to overcome.

“Of course it’s okay.” More tentatively, she added, “Will you at least tell me how it goes?”

“Sure, but I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you. Kim’s already in our corner. I just want to tell her how we’re doing.”

“How are we doing?”

“I’m doing fantastic. And you?”

“Ditto.” Lily was grateful for the reassurance. “How would you feel if I talked to Mom?”

“Go ahead. I know how close you two are. I guess it was silly of me to ask you to wait in the first place.”

“It wasn’t silly. This is all new for you, and it’ll take some time to get used to it.” She didn’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but Anna needed to be prepared for some of the problems she might face as more people found out. “I know you’ve been worried about your dad, but he’s not the only one who might not like the idea of you being with me. Some of the folks you’ve known for years might look at you differently if they knew about us.”

“I’m not worried about that.”

Lily took her dismissal with a grain of salt. Anna would worry when she faced these prejudices first-hand. “Still, you need to be ready for it.”

“There’s only one thing that really scares me, Lily. And that’s me making another gargantuan mistake for everybody to see.”

Lily’s heart almost broke at the admission. “Anna, we don’t have to rush into anything, okay? We’ll take our time and do what feels right. I want you to be sure.”

 

“So what’s it like making love with another woman?” Kim was not one to beat around the bush. She had always seemed to enjoy the fact that Anna embarrassed so easily, especially in public places like the restaurant where they were meeting for dinner.

“I just poured my heart out to you about this sweet woman who has touched my soul. And do you want to hear more about that? No. All you want to hear about is the sex.”

“Yeah, yeah. So? What’s it like?”

Anna sighed and dropped her shoulders in surrender. Kim was incorrigible. “Do we have to talk about this?”

“Yes. I want details.”

“I don’t have details. We haven’t gotten that far yet.”

“Well, what are you waiting for?”

“It’s not a race, you know. Not everybody gives in so easily to their animal instincts, like two people I know who can’t even keep their hands off one another in public.”

“We can talk about my sex life later. I know how much you enjoy that. But for now, let’s talk some more about yours.”

Her sister was the only living soul with whom she had shared the details of her intimate experiences with Vince and Scott. To her infinite embarrassment, Kim then went on and on about the things she and Hal did between the sheets. Anna wasn’t able to look her brother-in-law in the eye for a month. “We are not talking about my sex life, Kim. I know you’ll be devastated to hear this, but I don’t happen to have one.”

“Yes, you do. You just don’t bring it out to play enough.”

For Anna, sex had nothing to do with play. It was a huge, dramatic production that rarely involved fun. “We’re not there yet. I don’t even know what Lily wants.” She mumbled the last part sheepishly.

“You’re a woman too. That should give you a clue.”

This conversation was going downhill fast for Anna. Once Kim tasted blood, she usually badgered her until she was too embarrassed to speak.

“Think about it, Anna. You told me what kinds of things you liked best, and as I recall, none of them involved a penis.”

Anna covered her face with both hands to hide what she knew was a deep red blush.

“You like orgasms, don’t you?”

Anna dropped her hands and rolled her eyes. “Do I even have to answer that?”

“Seriously, Anna. Aren’t you dying to know what it’s like with Lily?”

“Curiosity is a stupid reason to have sex.”

“Maybe, but it’s perfectly normal for two people who care about each other to want to express that physically. And you obviously feel that way about Lily, so what’s the problem?”

She grimaced. “The problem is I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. So here I go again, just like all the other times I ever suffered through this. It’s going to be about where everything goes, how something feels or whether or not everyone is being properly stimulated. It’s not going to be about the person. When I—” She looked around the restaurant to make sure they weren’t being overheard, and lowered her voice. “When I make love with Lily, I want it to be about us, not... it. Is that too much to ask for?”

Kim sat back and gave her a welcome look of understanding. “Believe it or not, if Lily is the right person, it’s going to be about both. And all of a sudden, sex is going to be something wonderful that you’ll want all the time, whether it’s just to share your passionate love or to have plain old fun.”

“I don’t think I’m like that, Kim. I just don’t get what’s so great about it.”

“I just told you. It’s about being with the right person.”

“Maybe you’re right,” she said quietly. She looked around again to be sure no one was listening. “Things have been heating up lately, and I’ll admit it feels different... more exciting. And I told Lily that the other night.”

“Let it happen, Anna. Lily’s the right person.”

“Dad’s going to freak.”

“Let him. You deserve your own life.”

“Will you come visit me if he has me committed?”

Kim laughed. “You don’t have to worry about him. He doesn’t get a vote here. You said it yourself—it’s all about you and Lily.”

“Maybe so, but I don’t want to lose my father.”

Kim stretched a hand across the table and laid it on Anna’s forearm. “We both know Dad. He may buck a little at first, but when he realizes he isn’t going to get his way, he’ll come through for you.”

That’s the way Anna saw it too, except for the bucking a little part. She expected a full-blown rocket launch.

 

“...so we’re taking it slow, but we’re definitely going somewhere,” Lily said.

“I told you she’d be worth fighting for,” her mother replied. “And I can’t say I’m a bit surprised. I knew from the way she looked at you that she had feelings.”

“You never told me that part.”

“Would it have made any difference?”

Lily thought about it. If she had known for certain Anna had feelings for her, seeing her kissing Todd would have been even worse, because it would have seemed like a concerted effort on Anna’s part to deny it. “You know what? I don’t have to wonder about that kind of stuff anymore.”

“So when are you two coming back up?”

“I don’t know. It’s your turn to come down. I’ve started doing my hikes on Saturday because Sunday is Anna’s day off. I haven’t gotten her out on a trail yet, but I will.”

“I walked up St. Joseph’s hill last weekend with Bill Mueller.”

“Bill Mueller? Your doctor friend?” Lily had met him a few times. His wife had died of cancer several years ago. “Do you two have something going on that I should know about?”

“I don’t know. We’re going to dinner Friday night. Ask me again in a couple of weeks.”

“This is interesting.” Her mother hadn’t had a companion in years, not since the curriculum director who took a job at Arizona State. “I like Bill.”

“So do I.”

“That settles it. I’ll talk to Anna and see when we can come up. I have to find out his intentions.”

“And I have to find out hers.”

 

Lily’s X3 was the first to arrive from the valet at Empyre’s. Anna gave her brother-in-law a kiss on the cheek before getting in. “Thanks for dinner. It was fun.”

“Our pleasure,” Hal said. “Hard to believe it’s been a year since the earthquake.”

“And a year since Anna and I first met,” Lily added, following Anna’s lead to hug both Kim and Hal.

“We’re so lucky to be celebrating tonight,” Kim said with uncharacteristic seriousness. “So many people lost someone they loved.”

Anna hugged her and whispered in her ear. “And some of us found someone they loved.” Then she climbed in on the passenger side. “We’ll see you Sunday at the big house, right?”

“We’ll be there,” Kim said. “Something tells me we’re in for an exciting night.”

“Don’t you dare say a word,” she shouted out the window as Lily started to drive away. “He’ll freak out!”

“You think she’s going to tell your dad?” Lily asked.

“No, she’s just trying to terrorize me.”

“Your sister is a real piece of work. And what’s so funny about her is that you always think she’s joking, and then out of the blue she says something like that bit about people not celebrating because they lost loved ones. She pulls my gut out when she does that.”

“That’s Kim for you. She may kid around, but she never loses real perspective. She’s an incredible woman.”

“So is her sister.”

Anna loved that Lily enjoyed being with Kim and Hal, and vice versa. Getting her father and Martine into that circle was her next challenge, but she wasn’t ready to take that on. She saw no reason to put them through this before she and Lily knew where they were headed.

She almost laughed aloud at her last thought. There was no mistaking where she and Lily were headed. They would be lovers soon. Nothing stood in their way except deciding where and when it would happen.

Lily pulled into Anna’s driveway and turned off the engine. “I know you have to go, but I wanted to ask you about your sister.”

Anna had a sales meeting at seven the next morning. “Sure. You want to come in?”

“No, you have to go to bed. I just wanted to know how your talk went the other night. She kept grinning at me like a Cheshire cat.”

“I told her you made me happy.” That must have been the right thing to say, Anna decided, because Lily now wore the most satisfied smile she had ever seen.

“So what did she say to that?”

“She was... inquisitive.”

“You mean inquisitive like ‘Are you happy with how things are going?’ or inquisitive like ‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’”

Anna’s thoughts ran back to their dinner, to the moment she covered her face in embarrassment, and Kim’s insistence she explore her new sexual side and report back immediately. Feeling a rising blush, she turned to look out the window. “No, inquisitive like ‘What’s the sex like?’”

“Oh.”

This was stupid, Anna thought. Two adults who were presumably headed for a sexual relationship ought to be able to talk about it without one of them lighting up like a fire engine.

“Anna, look... I’ve been thinking about that since we talked the other night. I know you’re kind of anxious about it. But I don’t have any expectations. I just want to enjoy being together. If it happens, it will be wonderful. If it doesn’t, I’m sure we’ll be okay.”

The conversation was no longer stupid. It had graduated to ridiculous. All of this talk about sex was making her even more anxious. And as if that wasn’t enough, Lily had now concluded from her childish inability to speak that it might not ever happen. Anna needed to set her straight.

“Lily, come inside with me.”

Lily followed her into the house, looking as if she was bracing for bad news.

Anna tried to allay her fears by pulling her into a hug. “Don’t read anything into that stuff with Kim. She only says things like that to make me blush, and she’s pretty good at it.”

“So what you’re saying is... you were embarrassed?”

Lily leaned back to look her in the eye, and Anna struggled not to look away. “I’m an idiot about these things. I’ve never been able to just talk like an adult without getting embarrassed. I wish I could. But just because I don’t talk about it doesn’t mean we won’t... you know.” Anna could feel herself turning red, though Lily probably couldn’t see it in the soft light of the foyer. “Are you listening to how stupid I sound?”

Lily brought her hands to Anna’s cheeks and kissed her chin. “I’m not going to tease you, I promise. I’m just glad to know you’re thinking about me that way.”

“Of course I am.” Lily would probably laugh to know how often she thought about them making love. “If you don’t already know that, then I’m not doing a very good job of showing you how I feel.”

“No, you do fine. I’m just naturally insecure.” Her voice grew quieter, and she buried her face in Anna’s neck as if ashamed. “That’s one of the lifelong gifts you get from a mother who gives you up.”

Anna was gradually coming to understand the fragile state of Lily’s heart. She loosened their hug and took Lily’s hands, clutching them to her chest. Her heart was pounding with anxiety, but she couldn’t let Lily doubt her feelings any longer. “I don’t want you to be insecure about me. If you want to make love tonight, I’m ready. Just not here, not in this house. We can go to your apartment.”

Lily closed her eyes and shook her head. “Anna, no. I want it to happen when it’s right for both of us, not because I’ve made you feel like you have to prove something to me. I have to handle my own insecurities.”

Anna relaxed, pulling her close again and resting her cheek against her head. She held her for several minutes, her emotions riding high. Talk of making love had definitely raised the stakes. “I love you, Lily.”

Lily’s arms tightened firmly around her. “I love you too, Amazon.”