Mason (5:37 PM) That’s cool. Will call tomorrowThat was the best I could come up with that wasn’t a lie. He seemed to accept my reason for now, but I knew that he would start asking questions if I avoided him for more than a couple of days. A half hour or so passed and I continued to stare into nothingness. I decided to do some research online about the grieving process. I hoped I would come across something that would perhaps make feel a little better, or at least reassure me that how and what I was feeling was somewhat normal. As I surfed from site to site, I came across one in particular that caught my interest. The intent of the page was to offer free tools and support for anyone grieving a loss of someone special in their life, it labeled itself “a healing place.” There were pages of inspirational quotes and writings, suggestions of ways to honor the lost loved one, and other ideas and exercises to assist in surviving loss. However, one section of the site was completely devoted to butterflies and their symbolism of transformation, rebirth, and renewal. The butterfly was explained to not only represent the deceased, who in their ultimate transformation changed from their human body to the eternal soul bound for heavenly bliss, but also the bereaved, who struggled to deal with loss and unwelcomed life-altering adjustments. I continued to read through the some of the material when I came across a quote that really spoke to me. It reminded me of both Evie and myself. Like the butterfly,
Kirsti A. Dyer, MD, MS
I read those five lines over and over until an idea crept into my mind, and suddenly, I knew what I needed to do. After a quick Google search of nearby tattoo parlors and directions, I jumped up and went to my room to get dressed and pack an overnight bag. Minutes later, I was out the door. I pulled into the parking lot of a strip center that was only about ten minutes from campus. I was nervous as hell and making the decision to get a tattoo the day after the most important person in my life died, probably wasn’t the best idea. But I was there and I refused to back out, I needed to do it for so many reasons. The tattoo would not only be to memorialize Evie, but also to remind myself of my hope and faith that fairy tale endings did indeed exist and my own transformation from a sheltered, inexperienced girl to a young woman forced to deal with love, lust, and loss ~ my own metamorphosis. A couple of hours later, I was a couple of hundred dollars poorer and my left calf was on fire, but I couldn’t have been happier at the image that stared back at me when I looked at it. I couldn’t wait to get to Ash’s place to show him, I knew he would be shocked to see what I had done. I hoped that he wouldn’t mind that I had used his sketch as the basis of my body art without asking him first. I quickly pushed the thought away, I was sure he’d be flattered that I had loved it so much. The tattoo artist had done a wonderful job of translating the photo on my phone to the image permanently inked into my skin. I pulled into the driveway, ran up the walkway, and knocked firmly on the door. Meg greeted me with a strange look on her face. “Scarlett, hi! Are you okay? Did you try to call? Is everything alright?” She looked back over her shoulder down the hall. “Yeah, I just reconsidered y’all’s offer for company, so I thought I’d come stay here, if that’s okay? My dorm is a little cramped compared to this house and I really just don’t want to be there.” I walked into the house and noticed that neither Jess nor Ash was in the living room or kitchen. “Where is everyone?” I asked. Meg chewed nervously on her lip. “Jess is at Jacob’s and Ash is in his room.” “Okay, I’ll let him know that I’m here and put my bag up,” I said as I walked to his closed door. I contemplated whether I should tell him immediately about my new addition or wait and see how long it took him to notice. “Scarlett, wait…” she started to follow me, but it was too late. I opened Ash’s door to find a topless blonde straddling his naked body on his bed. “Oh my God.” I said as I dropped my bag on the floor. I wasn’t sure if it was my voice or the sound of the small suitcase hitting the hardwood that alerted them to my presence, but as soon as they saw me standing in the door, the blonde dove for an article of clothing and Ash’s horrified eyes locked onto mine. It was a damn good thing for everyone involved that my near comatose state of feeling was still in place and I hadn’t morphed into the anger phase of my grieving yet, otherwise, I may have literally killed someone. “Scarlett, please, this isn’t what it looks like,” Ash tried to explain as he covered up his body with his comforter. Blondie had rolled off the other side of the bed and was hiding from me on the floor while trying to redress. “Show me a little fucking respect and don’t feed me that God-forsaken line!” I sputtered. “I’m not one of your stupid whores nor am I your fucking girlfriend, so you don’t owe me an explanation. I just thought that you may give your dick one fucking night off, to mourn the loss of someone who I thought you considered your friend, or at least be there for your other friends while they pay their respects! But obviously I was wrong. At least I know where I rank. It’s probably best that I figure this all out now anyways because I didn’t have very far to fall to feel the rocky bottom under my feet!” “She just showed up without calling,” he pleaded. “Butterfly, don’t…” “DON’T fucking ‘butterfly’ me! I am NOT falling for that shit again. Because of you I will cringe every time I see a Goddamned butterfly again for the rest of my life. You owe an entire species an apology!” I guess I’ll be wearing long pants every day for the rest of my life or until I could afford to get this damn thing removed. I was such a dumb ass. I turned around and grabbed my bag off of the floor. I didn’t even turn around to utter the last words I would ever say to the guy that I loved, “I would have gone to hell and back for you, Ash. Anything. I would have done anything, but instead you broke my psyche.” I marched past Meg, out of the house and directly into the car. I drove around the block just to get out of sight of the house and I pulled my phone out of my purse. Before I could even think, my fingers had made my decision for me.
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