Chapter 30. It was still dark outside when I woke up and I could hear the rain pounding relentlessly on the window

It was still dark outside when I woke up and I could hear the rain pounding relentlessly on the window. Mason was asleep on his back and I was curled up next to him, using the nook between his chest and arm as my pillow. I moved my legs to reposition myself and the soreness that I felt between them caused me to freeze. The events from the previous day flooded my memory. The funeral. Evie’s parents. The tattoo. Ash. The blonde. Mason. Me. I love you. Sex. Oh shit, what did I do?

I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping, praying, that it was all a bad dream. I wanted to go back seventy two hours and redo every moment of it. I slowly opened my eyes and moved the lower half of my body again. There was no denying the tenderness from where Mason’s body had been.

I had asked him to take me, to make love to me; I had even told him I loved him so that he would without reservation. I was angry and hurt by Ash. I had felt lonely, desolate, abandoned. Mason’s touch, like always, made me feel coveted and cherished. I loved that he craved me; I needed him to love me.

I was an awful person. I was so much worse than Ash. I lied to Mason just so I wouldn’t be alone. I was afraid I would be alone forever. My relationship with my family was estranged. The guy I thought I was in love with was fucking other girls. And my best friend, the person I had spent nearly every day of my life with for over ten years, was dead. Mason was all I had left and because of my selfish behavior, I had ruined that too.

Mason making love to me was wonderful. He had been so gentle, so patient. He had made sure that I was taken care of in every way and was only interested in giving me the perfect first time. However, despite the physical and emotional fullness that I felt during those intimate moments, I had never felt emptier than when I woke up and had to face what I had done.

I started to have a mini-panic attack. My stomach knotted with anxiety, my mouth dried up, and my breathing became labored. I needed to get out of there, fast. I couldn’t deal with all of it at once. I managed to climb out of bed without waking Mason, thankful that he was such a heavy sleeper. My clothes were still in a wet pile on the bathroom floor so I put on a pair of Mason’s boxers and t-shirt that I found in the dryer. I grabbed my purse and keys that had been disposed of on the bar, and quietly let myself out the front door. It was still pouring rain and by the time I reached my car, I was a freezing wet mess once again.

I went straight to my room to change clothes and grab a few things. I didn’t know where I was going, but I was too much of a coward to stay at Mason’s and face him. I couldn’t stay another night in the dorm without Evie, and I sure the hell wasn’t calling Ash. After a hot shower, I threw on the first articles of clean clothing that I came across. I had desperately needed to do laundry and planned on catching up as soon as finals were over. I ended up in a pair cut off jean shorts and a Rice University hooded sweatshirt. I repacked my overnight back since the previous things in it had all gotten wet. I grabbed my acoustic guitar, threw on my boots because I couldn’t drive in wet flip flops, and headed out the door once again.

Once in the car, I plugged my ipod in and prepared myself for a long drive, I just wasn’t exactly sure where yet. The one thing I did know was that I needed to get as far away from Houston as possible, and I didn’t have any plans of returning. Ever.