TEXT 17: CRUISE

(LETTERS FROM A YOUNG LADY OF LEISURE)

by Evelyn Waugh

Before you read:

1) Find out essential facts about the author.

2) Judging by the title, what could the text be about?

 

(1) S.S. Glory of Greece [****]

Darling,

Well I said I would write and so I would have only goodness it was rough so I didn’t. Now everything is a bit more all right so I will tell you. Well as you know the cruise started at Monte Carlo and when papa and all of us went to Victoria we found that the tickets didn’t include the journey there so Goodness how furious he was and said he wouldn’t go but Mum said of course we must go and we said that too only papa had changed all his money into Liri or Franks on account of foreigners being so dishonest but he kept a shilling for the porter at Dover being methodical so then he had to change it back again and that set him wrong all the way to Monte Carlo and he wouldn’t get me and Bertie a sleeper and wouldn’t sleep himself in his through being so angry Goodness how Sad.

Then everything was much more all right the purser called him Colonel and he likes his cabin so he took Bertie to the casino and he lost and Bertie won and I think Bertie got a bit plastered at least he made a noise going to bed he’s in the next cabin as if he were being sick and that was before we sailed. Bertie has got some books on Baroque art on account of his being at Oxford.

Well the first day it was rough and I got up and felt odd in the bath and the soap wouldn’t work on account of salt water you see and came into breakfast and there was a list of so many things including steak and onions and there was a corking young man who said we are the only ones down may I sit here and it was going beautifully and he had steak and onions but it was no good I had to go back to bed just when he was saying there was nothing he admired so much about a girl as her being a good sailor goodness how sad.

The thing is not to have a bath and to be very slow in all movements. So next day it was Naples and we saw some Bertie churches and then that bit that got blown up in an earthquake and a poor dog killed they have a plaster cast of him goodness how sad. Papa and Bertie saw some pictures we weren’t allowed to see and Bill drew them for me afterwards and Miss P. tried to look too. I haven’t told you about Bill and Miss P. have I? Well Bill is rather old but clean looking and I don’t suppose he’s very old not really I mean and he’s had a very disillusionary life on account of his wife who he says I won’t say a word against but she gave him the raspberry with a foreigner and that makes him hate foreigners. Miss P. is called Miss Phillips and is lousy she wears a yachting cap and is a bitch. And the way she makes up to the second officer is no one’s business and it’s clear to the meanest intelligence he hates her but it’s part of the rules that all the sailors have to pretend to fancy the passengers. Who else is there? Well a lot of old ones. Papa is having a walk out with one called Lady Muriel who knew uncle Ned. And there is a honeymoon couple very embarrassing. And a clergyman and lots of families from the industrial north.

So Bertie sends his love too. Mum bought a shawl and an animal made of lava.

POSTCARD (1)

This is a picture of Taormina. Mum bought a shawl here. Very funny because Miss P. got left as she’d made chums only with second officer and he wasn’t allowed ashore so when it came to getting into cars Miss P. had to pack in with a family from the industrial north.

(2) S.S. Glory of Greece

Darling,

Hope you got postcard from Sicily. The moral of that was not to make chums with sailors though who I’ve made a chum with is the purser who’s different on account he leads a very cynical life with a gramophone in his cabin and as many cocktails as he likes and welsh rabbits sometimes and I said but do you pay for all these drinks but he said no so that’s all right.

So we have three days at sea which the clergyman said is a good thing as it makes us all friendly but it hasn’t made me friendly with Miss P. who won’t leave poor Bill alone not taking any more chances of being left alone when she goes ashore. The purser says there’s always someone like her on board in fact he says that about everyone except me who he says quite rightly is different goodness how decent.

So there are deck games they are hell. And the day before we reach Haifa there is to be a fancy dress dance. Papa is very good at the deck games especially one called shuffle board and eats more than he does in London but I daresay its all right. You have to hire dresses for the ball from the barber I mean we do not you. Miss P. has brought her own. So I’ve thought of a very clever thing at least the purser suggested it and that is to wear the clothes of one of the sailors I tried his on and looked a treat. Poor Miss P.

Bertie is madly unpopular, he won’t play any of the games and being plastered the other night too and tried to climb down a ventilator and the second officer pulled him out and the old ones at the captains table look askance at him. New word that. Literary yes? No?

POSTCARD (2)

This is a photograph of the Holy land and the famous sea of Galilee. It is all very Eastern with camels. I have a lot to tell you about the ball and will write very soon. Papa went off for the day with Lady M. and came back saying enchanting woman Knows the world.

(3) S.S. Glory of Greece

Darling,

Well the Ball. We had to come in to dinner in our clothes and everyone clapped as we came downstairs. So I was pretty late on account of not being able to make up my mind whether to wear the hat and in the end did and looked a corker. Well it was rather a faint clap for me so when I looked about there were about twenty girls and some women all dressed like me so how cynical the purser turns out to be. Bertie looked horribly dull as an apache. Mum and Papa were sweet. Miss P. had a ballet dress from the Russian ballet which couldn’t have been more unsuitable so we had champagne for dinner and were jolly and they threw paper streamers and I threw mine before it was unrolled and hit Miss P. on the nose. Ha ha. So feeling matey I said to the steward isn’t this fun and he said yes for them who haven’t got to clear it up goodness how Sad.

Well of course Bertie was plastered and went a bit far particularly in what he said to Lady M. then he sat in the cynical purser’s cabin in the dark and cried so Bill and I found him and Bill gave him some drinks and what do you think he went off with Miss P. and we didn’t see either of them again it only shows into what degradation the Demon Drink can drag you him I mean.

Will send a postcard of Sphinx.

POSTCARD (3)

This is the Sphinx. Goodness how Sad.

POSTCARD (4)

This is temple of someone. Darling I can’t wait to tell you I’m engaged to Arthur. Bertie thinks Egyptian art is very inartistic.

POSTCARD (5)

This is Tutankhamen’s very famous Tomb. Bertie says it is vulgar and is engaged to Miss P. so he’s not one to speak and I call her Mabel now. Goodness how Sad. Bill won’t speak to Bertie Robert wont speak to me Papa and Lady M. seem to have had a row there was a man with a snake in a bag also a little boy who told my fortune which was very prosperous Mum bought a shawl.

POSTCARD (6)

Saw this Mosque today. Robert is engaged to a new girl called something or other who is lousy.

(4) S.S. Glory of Greece

Darling,

Well so we all came back from Egypt pretty excited and the cynical purser said what news and I said news well I’m engaged to Arthur and Bertie is engaged to Miss P. and she is called Mabel now which is hardest of all to bear I said and Robert to a lousy girl and Papa has had a row with Lady M. and Bill has had a row with Bertie and Robert’s lousy girl was awful to me and Arthur was sweet but the cynical purser wasn’t a bit surprised on account he said people always get engaged and have quarrels on the Egyptian trip every cruise so I said I wasn’t in the habit of getting engaged lightly thank you and he said I wasn’t apparently in the habit of going to Egypt so I won’t speak to him again nor will Arthur.

All love.

(5) S.S. Glory of Greece

Sweet,

This is Algiers not very eastern in fact full of frogs. So it is all off with Arthur but who I am engaged to is Robert which is much better for all concerned. Robert and I drove about all day in the Botanic gardens. Bertie got plastered and had a row with Mabel – Miss P. again. Mum bought a shawl.

Love.

POSTCARD (7)

I forget what I said in my last letter but if I mentioned a lousy man called Robert you can take it as unsaid. This is still Algiers and Papa ate dubious oysters but is all right. Bertie went to a house full of tarts when he was plastered.

POSTCARD (8)

So now we are back I kissed Arthur but won’t speak to Robert and he cried not Robert I mean Arthur so then Bertie apologized to most of the people he’d insulted but Miss P. walked away pretending not to hear. Goodness how sad.