November 2011 - Present Day 12 страница

Turning to the stage, I catch sight of River’s furrowed brow. His eyes are narrowed on his brother. Seeing his expression makes my body tremble, and tears fills my eyes as I look away. I don’t even know Bell, but my heart aches for her and for me. How can I start a relationship with someone under circumstances like this? I stand up again, slightly wobbly, and stumble as I grip the table for balance. I need to remove myself from this situation, but Xander isn’t finished. Almost laughingly, he adds, “And now, I see my brother tonight, happier than I have seen him in a long time. So again, I want to know why you left that night. There is obviously something between the two of you. I could hear it in his voice when he talked to me today.” His questions end and then he throws the dagger. “If only you would have stayed... “

I grab the tequila shot that he poured for himself from the middle of the table and down it. Hoping the quick gulp of this mind numbing liquid will give me the ability to free myself from this hell. Then, finally able to stand without fear of stumbling, I give River one last glance before leaving this uncomfortable situation. I am feeling sick and need to get out of here. He stops singing and quickly removes his guitar strap from his shoulder. I know Xander must be pretty near rip-roaring drunk, but I’m surprised when he suddenly grips my bare arm, preventing me from walking away. With his eyes burning into me, he says, "Have you had enough? Because there’s more to tell."

“Excuse me. I need to use the restroom,” I manage, not able to listen to another word. I take off for the bathroom without even glancing at River again. Barely making it to the bathroom in time, I kneel on the floor, lift the seat, and try not to lean my head against it. The room is spinning as I heave into the toilet. When I think my stomach is finally empty, I sit back on my heels for a minute to steady myself. Once the spinning has stopped I stand up and make my way to the sink for the cool water I so desperately need.

Leaning against the counter with my head down in the sink, my senses start to return. I wonder why River didn’t tell me everything himself and how he could possibly think this information wouldn’t impact us. His brother harbors resentment towards me and I’m sure his family must as well. Hearing the door open, I already know who it is. As I look in the mirror and see his reflection all I can do is cry uncontrollably.

Coming over to me, he turns me around and grabs my face with both hands. He looks into my eyes, unaware of the information I already know. “Dahlia, are you okay? Are you

sick? Did something happen with Xander?” he asks these questions without pausing for me to answer. Concern is clear in his voice.

I shake my head no but mean yes. I’m not crying because I’m sick. I’m crying because I might very well be the cause of somebody's life being drastically changed. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I hoarsely whisper while trying to urge myself to stop crying.

“Tell you what? What are you talking about?” he asks, not knowing that his brother has basically told me I am responsible for their sister’s messed up life.

“About your sister!” I say surprised by the hardness in my own voice.

“Christ! What the hel...” he starts to say. With his face so close to mine, I’m sure he can smell the alcohol mixed with vomit on my breath.

Before he says anything else, the bathroom door opens and Xander is standing there. River turns around, but Xander doesn’t move towards us. He stays in the doorway, slightly swaying, bracing it to help balance him in his inebriated state.

Surprising me with his ability to articulate his words in his drunken state, he looks directly at me. “I’m sorry I was the one that told you, but you had to know.”

River’s eyes narrow at Xander. “What the hell did you tell her?”

I’m not usually one that invites conflict, so I feel startled by the hostility River is channeling toward this brother.

“It wasn’t an unspoken vow of secrecy, and she needed to know,” he answers in a much more humble tone than he has had all night.

My drunken state is quickly evaporating as I look at Xander blankly, perhaps a little confused. He was so angry with me before and now he’s apologizing?

River’s face is pale as he looks at me with understanding of what Xander has told me. Then running his fingers through his hair, he steps closer to Xander as he continues with his explanation. “What I told you about Bell, those are my demons. I just wanted someone else to blame for once and there you were after all these years.”

River is much closer to Xander now and with anger in his voice says, “Just shut up Xander. Shut the fuck up.”

“Sorry man, but she had to know.”

River slams his fist into the stall door nearest to Xander. “It wasn’t your place to tell her!”

He doesn’t even flinch from River’s close punch.

Stepping the one step between them, Xander says, “You’re right, and River I know you aren’t going to believe this, but I want you to be happy. I know you think you just met this girl but to me you’ve known her way longer. I know how you are. I don’t want you to fuck this up because of your need to always protect women because of...”

It seems that Xander has struck a nerve with River because he cuts him off before he can finish his thought. “You don’t think I know that you harbor guilt about Bell. I do! But that’s your guilt not mine. I let that go a long time ago. Bell is happy with her life. It’s you that’s not happy with her life and as for how you see my needs, you’re wrong.”

I am watching these two brothers tear each other apart over their sister. It is both heart-breaking and heart-warming that they love her so much to care so deeply.

Stammering with more to say, Xander shakes his head, pointing his finger at River.

“You think I don’t know that you hide your guilt on the inside. You can pretend you are happy with how Bell’s life turned out but I know different.”

Then he smiles sadly as he says, “You aren’t even the one who should feel guilty. A long time ago you asked me to, no not even, I told you that I would take Bell home so you could find this girl,” he says, pointing to me and then continuing, “You didn’t then, but you have now, so don’t let me or Bell or anyone else screw it up for you, but most of all, don’t let yourself screw it up.”

Pain flashes through me at Xander’s words. Am I really to blame for their sister’s accident? Should I have told River the truth when I first met him? Couldn’t I have just stuck around and told him the truth about Ben then? Would it have mattered? My head is spinning and I may be sick again.

Xander smiles sadly, his eyes glassy as he looks from his brother to me. “Dahlia, once again I’m sorry. It has been a shitty day and I took it out on you.”

Then looking back to River he puts his hand on his shoulder, but River flinches back. “Bro, I’ll call you tomorrow.” And with that, he turns and leaves us in the bathroom.

River walks back to me as tears fill my eyes again. Swiping my fingers under my eyes, I scrunch my forehead and purse my lips. “You should’ve been the one to tell me, not him,” I yell, pointing to the door, not in anger, but more because I am upset.

He stops in front of me and swallows. Exhaling a shaky breath, he looks into my eyes and gently cups my cheeks before whispering, “Dahlia that’s not how I wanted our relationship to start,” but I pull away before he can even finish. I don’t want his touch or his charm to cloud my judgment about where we stand with each other in light of the information I have just learned.

I stare back into his eyes as he flinches at my sudden movement. They are now hazy, no longer gleaming. “River,” I say a little softer, feeling the need to make sure he knows that an omission is still a lie. “I didn’t want our relationship to start like this either, but hiding things from me... I can’t, I won’t be in a relationship like that, but what’s more..

. what does this mean for us?” I manage to say this, feeling bad about the meaning behind my words before they even come out. But a lie is a lie, regardless of why it was told or how it was hidden. This I know well. I experienced it with Ben just that one time and it almost ended our relationship. But this time, with River, I seem to be more concerned about what this hidden secret will do to our relationship, than the actual secret itself.

He stands there, shaking his head. “I was going to tell you, but the right time just hadn’t happened yet.”

Averting my eyes from his, with a shaky breath I manage, “I need some air.”

I walk past him, through the dimly lit bar, and out the doors into the chill of the night. There is a cool breeze in the air, sending a shiver down my spine. As I walk to nowhere I know this time the shiver isn’t from his touch. Instead, it’s from the secret he kept from me. It’s from the cold of the night.

There are still so many people walking the quaint streets we languidly stepped down when we arrived, but the happiness I felt then is gone. The people seem to be more hurried as well. They are huddling together, almost rushing in and out of the many bars

and restaurants that line the street.

November in California isn’t usually this cold, but the dampness seems to warn of impending rain. Glancing upward in hopes of seeing some light, finding some answers, all I see are thick clouds covering any stars that I might have seen. They only allow a glimpse of the moon’s slight crescent-shaped glow and provide no guidance. Looking ahead instead of up because I know I will find no comfort from the sky tonight, I continue to walk, clutching my own body to keep warm and wondering why life has to be so complicated.

“Here, put this on,” he says, taking his jacket off and wrapping it around my bare shoulders. He walks close to me, but doesn’t touch me. “If you want to go home, the car is the other way.” Maybe I’m not as sober as I thought.

Stopping, I turn to look at him. We are toe to toe. With tears in my eyes, I say words I don’t really want to say but know I have to. “River, I think it’s time for me to go back home.”

Slumping, he closes his eyes and whispers, “Not like this. Not until we talk about everything.”

My heart breaks as I look at him but I know I have to go. “I need some time to think River. I can’t do that here.”

His eyes snap to mine, and his voice cracks in anger. “What happened to my sister has nothing to do with us. You going home and thinking isn’t going to change that or even make you understand.”

Looking at him, I hear him but choose to ignore his words. I need time to think and not in my drunken state. “I can call Aerie or Serena to come pick me up if you don’t want to take me home.” Then, remembering I didn’t bring my phone, I ask, “Can I use your phone?”

River breaks, ignoring my request; his voice grows louder than he has ever spoken to me before. “Dahlia, are you listening to me? That shit that just happened in there, that’s Xander’s life.” Motioning his finger from me to him, he continues, “I am not going to let someone’s misconceived course of events change this.”

Grabbing my shoulders with his hands, he says, “You can’t just say you are leaving.

You can’t leave me again.”

I shrug out of his grip, and sway slightly as I take a step. “That’s the point River, I’m not leaving you again. I never left you five years ago because I wasn’t with you.” Tears are uncontrollably sliding down my face, my teeth are chattering, and I am freezing but I continue with what must be said. “I met a guy at a bar that I was attracted to and before things got out of hand I left. Now I find out that some unmentionable horror happened to your family because of my actions and you think we’re going to be okay?”

He flinches at my tone but tenderly places his arms on my shoulders. Dunking down so we’re at eye level he says, “That’s what I’m trying to tell you. It’s not like that.”

With complete honesty I say, “I just don’t know if I can do this. This thing we have is way more complicated than two people who are incredibly attracted to each other. Your brother is going crazy having me here. Does your sister even know any of this? And what about your mother! What will she say?”

“Dahlia! Listen to me!” he says, but I don’t. I can’t. I don’t want my heart to break again so instead I turn around and start walking in the other direction toward his car as he keeps pace. I navigate the sidewalk surprisingly well considering how foggy my brain feels. The air and life that was being sucked out of me becomes emptiness. Neither of us says another word. As we reach the parking garage, I just want to feel the bliss one more time, but I don’t think I will.

With my whole body shaking, I get into the car and wait for him to sit. Grabbing his cold cheeks, I look at him and I see he’s shaking as well. With tears in my eyes and sadness in my voice, I say what I know I’ve felt since Xander told me about his sister. “Here’s the thing River, I’ve already lost someone I loved, and it almost killed me. What I feel for you is so much more than I ever expected, and I know that if I stay here with you and begin to live again that I won’t survive losing you. And losing you is inevitable. We can’t be together if your family blames me for your sister’s accident. In the end, it will be our undoing.”

Shaking his head, he grabs my cheeks and forces me to look at him. “That’s just it Dahlia. No one blames anyone. Bell is happy. Our family is happy. It is Xander who can’t accept what happened. And to answer your question, yes my family knows about then and about now and they are happy for me, for us.” His eyes are glassy as he holds my gaze then leans in and kisses me. With that kiss I feel the air return to my lungs and life returns.

I pull away from his soft lips, confused in my current state of mind. I don’t know what to do, but I feel like this night has been a reality check. “I believe you, but it’s still time for me to stop playing house with you. I have to go home tomorrow.”

 

 

LITTLE THINGS

 

 

Your hand fits in mine Like it’s made just for me

It just makes sense that we were meant to be I see the faint freckles on your nose

These are the little things I love about you.

 

 

“Dalhia,” he says, his tone is as dark and sad as the place I have lived for the past two years before meeting him. “One day, if you change your mind... just know you’ll always be my once in a lifetime.”

He presses kisses to my forehead and nose, then turns, leaving me at the front door to the house I shared with Ben for so many years. The house that is now empty is the house where, once again, I will be alone.

Fear starts to wretch through my body, not from being alone, but from being without him. Was I wrong in my decision? Did he not tell me for us? Can we get past this? My questions don’t really matter because it’s too late. I have already said things I shouldn’t have. I made the decision to end us.

“Don’t leave me,” I yell as he walks down the path leading to another life.

Turning and glancing at me over his shoulder, his eyes are no longer gleaming their perfect shade of green; they’re cloudy, hazy even. “I’m not,” he says as he keeps walking. “You left me, beautiful girl.”

Tears stream down my face as I let him go, and he fades into the horizon. Waking, my body thrashes in the sheets, and my fists clutch the pillows.

“Fuck,” I mutter to myself as relief washes through me when I realize it was just a dream. No it wasn’t a dream; it was a nightmare. Reaching over, there is no one there to hold me. It hurts to not have him here with me. Waking up with him next to me the last few days has been amazing and I feel empty and alone in his room without him.

Licking my dry lips, I lift my aching head. “What time is it?” I ask to nobody but

myself.

My heart is still pounding in my chest as I reach over to the nightstand and pick up my phone, plugged into its charger. The time on the screen reads 11:48am. How did I sleep in this late? I never sleep past sunrise. As I set my phone back down, I see a bottle of water and two aspirin off to the side on the nightstand.

Hearing the roaring of thunder and the howling of the wind from outside, I gladly pick up the water and aspirin. The aspirin are sitting on top of a yellow Post-it note River must have found them on the counter where I quickly dumped my messenger bag yesterday looking for a pen to sign for the deliveries.

Sitting up, I pop the aspirin in my mouth and swig the water in hopes of calming the storm riveting in my head. As I set the bottle and paper down, I notice something written on the Post-it.

Beautiful girl... In case you’re not feeling so great.

Stretching and grinning at his note, I glance around the room. Sheets are tacked over the glass doors. He must have done that so I could sleep. How sweet. How could he be so nice to me after I was such a bitch last night? Shit, last night. I remember every minute of the horrible evening, every minute of our painful conversation, but I don’t remember getting into bed.

Glancing down, I notice I’m only wearing one of River’s t-shirts and my panties. I must have passed out in the car. Did he bring me inside, up all those stairs, and change my clothes? The last thing I remember saying after leaving the parking garage was that I still wanted him to take me home, to my home, not his, but I’d wait until morning.

Deciding I need to find River and talk about last night, I stand on shaky legs and see my clothes lying on the floor beside the bed. Making my way to the bathroom, I look in the mirror. That was not a good decision. Makeup smears my face and my hair is a tangle of knots from all the hairspray. I really need a shower but settle for washing my face, brushing my teeth, and throwing my hair into a ponytail before going to search for him.

I don’t have to look far. As I walk down the hallway I hear soft music being played on a guitar. I stop at the entranceway to the living room to take him in. He’s sitting on the couch in jeans and a plain white t-shirt, barefoot, and his hair is a little more disheveled than usual. His fingers are holding a guitar pick and he’s strumming a beautiful melody while quietly singing an unfamiliar song that I can’t really hear the words to. He has a notebook and pen beside him and he’s deep in thought. I stand there awhile just listening, looking, thinking how unbelievably gorgeous he is both inside and out and how sad I am that I’m leaving. I decide to quietly go get my camera out of my bag in the bedroom. I want to capture his perfect image at this moment. As I tiptoe back and stand just inside the living room, watching him through my lens, I snap a few photos while he’s playing. He’s so involved in his work that he doesn’t even notice me or hear the click of the camera. When he finishes the song, he adjusts his guitar on his leg and leans over to his notebook.

Standing there leaning against the wall I say, “That was beautiful.”

He glances at me, but the happy grin I usually receive from him when entering a room is absent. “What song was that? I didn’t recognize it.”

Leaning his guitar against the couch, he nonchalantly says, “It’s just something I’m working on.”

Taken aback by his cavalier attitude and obvious disinterest in discussing the song, I ask, “You got your guitar back?”

Standing up, he shoves his hands in his front pockets and shrugs his shoulders. “Yeah, Xander brought it by this morning.” Then he asks, “How about coffee?”

I enter the room and head for the kitchen while I say, “Yes, I can get it though.”

“I’ve already made it, I’ll grab you a cup.”

“Thanks,” I say, putting my camera down and sitting on the couch, hoping my queasy stomach can hold down the coffee.

“How do you feel?”

“Fine. I took your remedy. I think it’s working.”

I watch him walk into the kitchen, but he doesn’t turn around to catch me like he usually does. Once he’s in the kitchen, he pulls out the paper cups we bought at Whole Foods yesterday and pours two cups. He adds cream to mine and I smile. He walks back into the room and hands me the cup. “Do you want me to go get you something to eat?” he asks as I take the cup, staring at him. For the first time since I met him, I can’t read him at all.

“Shit no,” I answer grasping my stomach. “I hope I can keep the coffee down.” He chuckles and I can tell the River I’ve come to know is in there somewhere. He walks back over to where he was playing his guitar and sits down.

Sipping my coffee, I look over at him. “Was Xander feeling okay?”

He quickly glances my way and answers, “Yeah. He looked wrecked but nothing some sleep won’t cure.” He takes a sip of his coffee, then continues, “I asked Garrett to take him home last night. I guess he stayed at Garrett’s, and on their way back to Beverly Hills this morning they stopped by to check on you and drop off my guitar.” Pointing to the bar, he adds, “And your jacket and purse.”

“That was really nice.” Then I laugh a little. “Shit, I don’t even remember leaving my stuff there. I guess since you gave me your jacket, I never thought of mine. At least my purse was still there. That would have sucked to have to cancel everything.”

I notice he doesn’t laugh at my swearing like he usually does. Instead, he nods at me then says in a very flat tone, “Well your mind was elsewhere. I would have grabbed your stuff when I stopped to talk to Garrett, but I forgot it was even there. At least I grabbed my jacket or you would have been frozen.”

For some reason the whole conversation seems strained, awkward even, and I sense it’s because of my behavior last night. I’m sure he’s uncertain about my feelings and upset about what I said.

Needing to rectify the situation and make amends for my bitchiness to this man who now, in my sober state, I believe with my heart never meant any foul behavior, I stand up and walk over to the bar. Setting my coffee down, I turn and move toward him.

His eyes rake my body as I approach him. I feel like this one little move on my part, a sign of my forgiveness, has put his mind at ease and by the look in his eyes, I know he’s back. Tears sting my eyes as I sit on his lap. His arms instantly surround me and a soft

sigh meets my ear.

“I’m sorry,” I cry as I throw my arms around him.

He sighs again and pulls me as tightly to him as he can. My head is in the crook of his neck and he inhales before sighing again. Shifting me so that I fit perfectly into his lap, he whispers into my ear, “You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I know I should have.”

Pulling back, I sniffle a little and wipe my nose with the back of my hand. He gives me that grin I adore then shifts me again to lift his shirt, using it to wipe my tears and my nose.

Resting my forehead on his I ask, “Is your family really okay with me, with everything that happened?”

Cupping my cheeks, he nods. His face is now the epitome of seriousness and sadness combined. “The accident had absolutely nothing to do with you, Dahlia. Call it coincidence. Call it bad judgment. But, Bell getting in that car could've happened even if I was the one who said I would bring her home. She was determined to meet some guy at her place and she wasn’t waiting.”

His eyes flash to mine, filled with concern, as I continue to listen. “I left that night and went straight to her place. When I got there, no one was waiting for her.”

“No one,” I say, saddened that his sister left in hopes of meeting someone that obviously never showed up.

Shaking his head, he moves his hand to my head and pulls my elastic band out. “If your head hurts you don’t need this pulling on it,” he says tossing the band to the ground before continuing. “Who knows what happened to the frat boy, but he wasn’t there waiting for her. He never bothered to visit her and he never knew. After the accident she never mentioned him again.”

Tightening his jaw, he spits out, “And I’m glad she never did. I’d have killed him.” Hanging his head, he relaxes his jaw. “A guy planning to meet a chick at her place so late after going out with his buddies is just not cool. We didn’t even know everything until after.”

Unraveling myself from him I start to say something. “What do you mean by every..

.”

He puts his finger over my lips to shush me. “Never mind, it’s really none of my

business anyway.”

Grabbing my chin he says, “All of that has nothing to do with us, but I’m still sorry I didn’t tell you. I don’t want this to impact us though. Got it?”

Nodding my head, feeling exhausted and emotional I say, “River, I understand and it’s okay, but I still have to go home. I can’t stay indefinitely.”

His gorgeous face looks so sad as he exhales deeply and says, “Whatever you want, but you look tired. Can we at least go tomorrow?”

Nodding my head because I’m exhausted, I hold him tight, inhaling his scent and loving his warm embrace. “Only if we can take a nap now.” Snuggling into his neck I add, “I love sleeping while it’s raining.”

He pulls back and kisses my nose. “Me too,” he says, and then he leads me back to his

bedroom.

 

 

His room is somewhat dark when I open my eyes. The rain is still pounding outside, but snuggled into River’s chest, I’m calm and at peace. The sheet and a single blanket are tangled around us and he’s lightly rubbing his thumbs over the sliver of bare skin between my neck and shoulder. He’s awake before me for the second time today.

Lifting my head, I smile at the sight of his adorable face. He’s lying on the right side of me and I meld into his arms. The faint light filtering through an opening in the sheets that are still hanging on the glass doors is reflecting off his gleaming eyes, making them twinkle.

Grinning at me, he asks, “Feel better?”

I nod my head and lay it directly on his chest and answer, “Much.”

“Good,” he says, kissing the top of my head and wrapping his arms around me.

Having to use the bathroom, I slide my body down his shirt and jeans and get off the bed.

“Where you going?”

“Bathroom. Want water while I’m up?”

“Nope, I’m good, I just want you back here with me sleepy girl.”

Giggling as I leave the room, headed for the bathroom, I turn and ask, “What was that song you were playing earlier?”

“What song?” he says, watching me like I always watch him.

Turning completely around, stopping at the edge of the bathroom, I bite my lip and answer, “You know, the one you quickly stopped singing when I came in the room. The one I asked you about that you said you were working on.”

Sitting up and stretching, his glorious body now in full view he says, “It’s not that I stopped working on it when you came in the room.” Then standing up, he adds, “I just want to finish it before you hear it.”

“What if I want to hear it now?” I challenge as I quickly turn back around shutting the bathroom door.

“Well that would depend,” he says loudly enough that I can hear him through the walls. Then he adds, “I’ll get your water.”

When I open the bathroom door he’s standing there, water in one hand, guitar in the other. Lifting both items he hands me the water bottle.

I swish it back as he continues to block the door with his guitar in the air.

“Yes?”

“Let me stay with you a few days at your house, and I’ll play the song for you, even though it’s not finished,” he propositions, sliding his guitar back under his arm.

Taken aback by his question, I shakily ask, “You want to barter?” Loving the idea of

spending more time together but not happy about bringing River to the house that Ben and I shared, I stare blankly at him.

“Yeah barter...” he starts to say, then stops. Pulling me close with his free hand he kisses me. “You know what? Never mind.”

Maybe sensing where my mind is, or maybe second-guessing his idea, he points to the head of the bed. “How about you sit up there, away from me, so I can concentrate? You’re too distracting,” he says as he kisses me again.

Summoning all my willpower to not throw him on the floor as his tongue meets mine and his body presses so close to me, I pull back from his mouth and sashay toward the bed. “You’re so bossy!”

He chuckles as I walk away.

As I sit down at the head of the bed, I cover my legs with my shirt and wrap my hands around my knees. “Okay is this less distracting?” I smirk, resting my chin on my knees.

“Not really,” he laughs.

“Well it’s irrelevant anyway since you promised a show.”

Shaking his head at me, he’s so fucking attractive as he struts and sits at the foot of the bed. “I don’t remember promising,” he smirks. Then adds, “That’s a whole other type of transaction.”