Medical Correspondent

IT may be good to talk – but for mothers and teenage daughters it’s sometimes better to argue.

Which is just as well because they have more blazing rows than any other parent-child combination.

Dr. Terri Apter, a social psychologist at Cambridge University, believes that frequent arguments help girls to ‘introduce’ emerging personalities, giving them a chance to show their mothers how they are changing.

Complaints about money, friends and curfews may seem to result in interminable rows, she told the British Psychological Society’s annual conference in London yesterday.

But mothers and daughters often increase their understanding of each other through conflict, she said.

Her research shows that, on average, a mother and her teenage daughter have a spat lasting 15 minutes every two days.

By contrast, adolescent boys have one conflict with their mother every four days – lasting six minutes.

But when the dust settles after adolescence, they will probably end up having a good relationship.

‘Mothers and teenage daughters who never fight are rare, ’ she said. ‘And they are unlikely to have a close relationship if they don’t engage and express emotion with each other.

‘Quarrels are a signal of the daughter’s need to update her relationship with her mother.

‘She wants her mother to be able to understand her new developing self.

‘I know many women get a sickening feeling in their stomach as they see an argument coming, but it is important to realise it isn’t going to kill their relationship. Arguing is normal and a mother needs to see it isn’t about rejection of her love or values.

‘It can offer potential for enriching the relationship. It’s part of the continually changing relationship between mother and daughter.’

Dr. Apter said the reality television series The Osbournes, about rock star Ozzy’s family life, often showed the mother-daughter relationship at its most challenging.

Sharon Osbourne and her 18-year-old daughter Kelly usually kiss and make up after rows, she said.

Dr. Apter studied 23 mothers and daughters in East Anglia and London at eight-month intervals over the course of four years, spending many hours in their company at a time.

The girls were aged between 12 and 15 at the start of the study.

Dr. Apter witnessed more than 100 rows first-hand. She said there was a lot of ‘banging and screaming’.

But she said that in the best relationships, daughters would often take ‘repair steps’ during the argument to start making it up.

‘There was less meltdown in these rows, ’ she told the conference.

‘Some daughters appreciate that saying they “hate” their mother is extremely hurtful. But some rows blew up over absolutely nothing.’

To have a close relationship, daughters needed to be able to discuss everyday things, such as seeing a new pair of shoes in the shops.

But it was crucial that mothers were honest.

‘If the daughter can see a new relationship isn’t working out, for example, it’s no good her mother insisting everything is fine, ’ said Dr. Apter.

‘That just excludes the girl from her mother’s life and will understandably make her huffy.’

 

(from The Daily Mail)

Notes

curfew – the time when children must come or stay at home

‘Some daughters appreciate that saying they “hate” their mother is extremely hurtful…’ – here “appreciate” means “admit, realize”.