Chapter Fifteen Everything Part Two

 

At the mention of the words, tying in the acceptance of it all and the approval of danger into a work of art, his lips met mine. And this time, we kissed like there was nothing wrong with it. In our own picture, captured in both of our minds merging together, there was nothing wrong with it...

With this embrace, we moved faster together, but still maintained a sensual speed. Our lips raised and parted together, letting both our tongues enter and explore. I tasted the inside of his mouth, trying (and needing) to appreciate every little detail.

I noticed the ridges and bumps of taste buds on his tongue and the feeling of wet flesh against flesh. Our mouths were damp and warm, making gradual sucking and smacking noises as our speed progressed. My hands that had always been light touches and slight clothing yanks at first, settled in for something more. They were on his waist, but I found myself pushing them to the small of his back, especially as he finally touched me with his own artistic hands. My back was bare and the fair skin on his palms felt like an electrical volt through me, sending shivers down my spine. He traced his fingers lightly down my skin like he always had before, except the barrier of clothing was now removed. He placed his hands on my waist, exuding this new bravery inside of him, and brought our hips together.

I felt the slight bulge in his pants against mine, and I gasped into his mouth, shocked. I was well aware that I was getting turned on; my pants seemed to be getting smaller and smaller by the second. I had never given any thought to his own arousal, however. I was still focused on the fact that he was kissing me. Once I recognized his state, I pushed back against him, feeling him do the same to me. His body was so warm and soft, I felt like he was wrapping me in the warm comfortable silence we sometimes shared.

He broke the kiss with one swift movement, only retracing his attention to my neck, where he continued his open mouth wet kisses, sucking on my tender flesh. I had never had anyone give me a hickey before, let alone touch my neck in a sexual manner, and I writhed under his embrace. The skin had essentially never been touched and was so sensitive, I found my knees buckling and soft moans become strangled in the very throat he was kissing. My hands went to the top of his back and his hairline, tousling his locks and getting my fingers intertwined in the raven mane.

We stood there, semi-pressed against the wall, for what seemed like ages. He changed his focus every five seconds in this forever, however. He brought his lips to meet mine for another quick meeting of the mouths, before descending down to my neck and nibbling my collar bone, proving that he really did want everything. And I was going to give him everything, with no regrets and no guilt. We had fucking waited so long for this, fought so hard for it that I was going to enjoy it.

And finally, so was he. He had cracked out of his shell and was allowing himself to be with me. Before, I had thought my kiss was showing my thankfulness towards him, but as our embrace progressed and he opened up to me, I wasn’t entirely sure if I had summed it up in that one gesture. It had only been a few moments (that felt like forever), but I could already feel so much more gratitude well up inside of me that I didn’t know where to put it and how I could show him. Kissing had been working so far, though, so I kept right on track with that.

The night sky began to descend upon us, with little of our recognition towards it. The sunlight that had been filtering in through the window before, had given everything we were doing an added extra aura to it. That ‘glow’ Gerard had wanted me to possess, we had both possessed as our mouths met together over and over. And even in this new darkness as the sun set in the backdrop, the glow still remained.

“Do you want to go to my room?” he asked me, tracing his tongue up from my neck to around my ear, where he proceeded to breathe the question in.

I felt my knees grow weak from the small action of the breath (my ear was another sensitive spot I discovered I had), and my voice catch in my throat. My cock twitched and I pressed it against him, showing my answer rather clearly. He refrained from moving until I nodded and breathed a small ‘yes’ into his neck, but from then on his actions were swift. He smiled as he continued to kiss his way back down to my neck, finishing his journey back on my lips. He took my hands from his sides and moved them into his, running his fingers over the backs of my hand first, before we interlocked fingers. We pulled away from the kiss mutually, smiles present on both our raw lips, as he began to lead me to his bedroom.

I smiled and beamed inside as he touched the knob of the black door, my thoughts a happy mess inside my head. I was finally getting to be with the person I wanted to be with, and he was letting me inside his room. Inside that room where nothingness existed beyond the jet black door. That room where he said he was only able to be himself in. He was letting me into the abyss that was Gerard and I couldn’t have been happier. I felt so honored and privileged to be in this mysterious room, that its lack of decor didn’t disappoint me.

The room was fairly plain, with nothing on the interior off-white walls other than a few scratches and smoke stains. There was a nightstand and an armoire alongside the main focal point of the room; the large bed with a disarray of sheets on top. It was boring and disappointing compared to the rest of his house, but in a way, that was what it was supposed to be. It was supposed to be nothing, to be an abyss where only emotions and feelings in their raw state existed.

And fuck, I was actually inside there. Gerard and I could have taken our make out session to his couch or kitchen – anywhere in his apartment, really. But no, he had taken me inside his room, inside his life, and inside his head. It was an amazing feeling that washed over me in waves, my eyes wide and bright looking around and drinking everything in. The only feeling that made it better were his lips crashing against my own once more.

We started up our kissing again, standing in the centre of his room. From my mangled and mushy thoughts the only thing I could comprehend was that I was the luckiest person in the world. I didn’t know what was going to happen, and that thought sent shivers up and down me in anxiety, but it didn’t matter what happened. I was with him and I felt safe.

I had always felt safe with him beforehand, but there was an added dimension to that suddenly. I was going to be naked around him soon, I knew that much, but I felt okay enough, safe enough to do that. If we had sex that night – did that everything that I told him he could do – then it was okay with me. I had always wanted sex before, but then when I really thought about it or got too close, I’d back away. I wasn’t backing away now, especially as he gently pushed me onto his bed, slowly getting on top of me, never once breaking the kiss.

His body weighed more than I thought it would, but it could have been because I was so weak with nerves, it was an initial shock. He wasn’t too heavy though, and he kept himself propped up with his arms as he continued to kiss me up and down my neck and face. That was the thing too – it wasn’t just my lips he was kissing, it was my entire face.

When he first positioned himself on top of me, he brushed my bangs out of my eyes and just looked at me. I was nervous at first; his eyes were strong and baring into me, but no matter how much he stared, he wasn’t intimidating. He was intense, fuck was he ever intense. I thought the dark olive hue of his eye would overtake the whole room at some points. I kept staring back at him though, wanting to be engulfed.

At first, when he stared for so long, I thought that he would spout something else about me being too young or that he would back out of everything when we were so fucking close, but he didn’t. He just took his fingers, his long and delicate fingers, and traced around my head like he had the day in the kitchen. Only this time instead of seeing my age, he was making my age. He was making me older - older than what I already apparently looked - so he could actually go forward with this action. He was preparing himself for what was coming because he was just as scared as I was.

And when he had finally done that, he kissed me again softly on the mouth, but brought his lips everywhere else. He kissed each of my flushed cheeks, my nose, my forehead, before finally placing a soft embrace on each eye, smiling as my lashes tickled his skin. He looked down at me and smiled for real this time, baring his tiny nicotine-stained teeth as he brought our mouths together once more, tongues meeting again. He was finished with his task; I was older. This was going to happen.

With my new age, Gerard began to change his movements once again, only this time not limiting himself to my lips and neck. He sucked down on my collarbone, digging his teeth in slightly as he lowered himself down. His lips worked their way along my upper chest, progressing further by the second. Gerard seemed to be breathing me in with each open mouth kiss he placed on my bare flesh. He was inhaling my skin, sucking me whole into his mouth, much like he did with the dangerous cigarettes we now both consumed. His tongue jutted out from all angles, sucking and licking my skin as he trailed down. When he reached my hard nipples, his teeth grazed over the flesh, only nibbling tenderly as his tongue moved around them, creating a wet suction noise.

Just like his warm mouth, his soft hands also began to explore my body. As he kissed my neck, he ran each one of hands up and down my arms, applying just the right amount of pressure. He was pressing hard enough for it to feel like a massage at some points, moving and shifting the muscles around, but light enough at others to make my stomach flutter with its absence. The more his fingertips traced over me, the more I wanted to press him into my arm, and the more he pressed into my arms, the more I wanted him further and further, deeper and deeper.

I tried to reciprocate the kind of touches and embraces that he gave me, but I found it hard to compare. Aside from being older than me and more experienced, Gerard seemed to want to have me all to himself and it didn’t matter if I was reciprocating. I had my hands around his neck and back when his lips were pressed against mine, my fingers in his hair, but as he went lower I found it harder and harder to hang on. He was still wearing his collared shirt and corduroy pants too, and it made gripping his flesh and feeling any kind of sensation difficult. And as our hips pressed against one another and we began rocking in a rhythm, I pretty much gave up all hope of reciprocating actions. I was going to let Gerard do whatever the fuck he wanted. I laid there in a happy anxiety state as I felt his lips on me and his hand pressing on my stomach, massaging me with his palms, as he sunk down my flushed body.

He shifted his weight off of me slightly so his upper torso still met my face, but our hips were no longer in contact. I whimpered slightly as I felt him move away and I was thrusting into nothing, but he was making up for it. He had gone back to kissing my face again, unable to stay in any one spot for too long. He pulled away to look at me, just as his strong hands hit my fly. He pressed his forehead against mine and gazed at me, asking a question nonverbally. Even though I had agreed to go in his bedroom and had planned on stripping for him only hours earlier, he was still making sure I was consenting to every single action he did. If I had of said stop then instead of murmuring a faint yes, I knew he would have listened. If I had yelled and cried and said it was all a mistake at that point, I knew he would have let me go home. He would have stopped everything - even if he was enjoying it - just to make sure I was safe.

I had no intentions of halting however, especially as I felt him undo my fly slowly and slip his hand into my pants, gripping me through the fabric of my boxers. I was no stranger to masturbation, but I never knew that someone else’s hand doing the same essential thing that I did nearly every night could feel so much better. Gerard’s grip was even through fabric and I still felt my eyes roll back in my head and my mouth fall open, displaying moans I could not make just yet. His hand was strong and his grip just enough to make me thrust into his fist without him even starting any kind of rhythm.

After giving me a tight squeeze and a few pumps, he found the opening in my boxers, and soon we had skin to skin contact. He located the slit and pushed his thumb over it, feeling the bead of precome that had started to form. He started to pump me slowly, eliciting quiet moans to spring from my mouth. I soon felt another mouth over my own, absorbing all the sounds I was making and adding a tongue to fill me up. I placed a hand on his cheek to keep him there, to keep him doing what he was doing, because God, it felt so good. His hand was tight and rough around me, but the speed at which he was going at was just enough to not make everything seem like just an oversexed adventure. Gerard kept going sensually slow, making everything mean ten times more.

Soon, however, the artist began to move again, changing things up. I didn’t know why he had such a short attention span in bed. I was the teenager who had had ADD as a child and I would have been content if he had only kissed me all night long, running his fucking amazing hands lightly over my skin. I would have probably come without him even touching me, but now he insisted upon touching me, then stopping, kissing me, then stopping and moving around in every position. It was annoying, mainly because I wanted everything just as much as he did. Only I didn’t have as much patience.

With each change of position things kept progressing further. When Gerard moved that time, it was to completely slip my jeans off my round hips, looking me in the eyes for another consent before he slipped my boxers off too. My pants were kicked off the rest of the way, along with my shoes somewhere in his dark room.

I bit my lip as the sudden coldness of the room washed over my now completely naked body. My eyes were still shut from pleasure, and I could feel Gerard halfway down my torso, his head just under my underarm. Despite his heat beside me, the cold still gripped my body, mostly because he wasn’t there to shield me anymore and he was now there to strictly look. I wasn’t afraid to be naked per se, but it was certainly a different feeling. I knew this is what I would have been doing if he had drawn me, but I still felt unprepared. And most of all, I wanted him to get naked as well. All of my friends who had had sex said it was always so much less awkward being naked because the other person was naked too. Even by that point, with all our heavy petting and kissing, Gerard was still fully clothed. A few of the buttons at the top of his shirt were undone, but other than that he was still covered and next to me who was nothing but a pink hue of human flesh.

With my pants now removed, I pried my eyes open only to watch Gerard as he took his time to look at me yet again, studying what he saw before him like he had done my face. It made me feel awkward and ugly, his talk about men’s bodies coming back to my mind along with about a billion other thoughts, but I was so turned on I didn’t care anymore. I wanted him to touch me soon, like he had only moments earlier. His hand was resting on one of my protruding hip bones – so close, yet, so far away at the same time. His other hand was moving slowly back at forth caressing my thigh while he took me all in.

“You’re gorgeous, Frank,” he uttered at last in hushed tones. His voiced dipped off at the end, showing his true amazement. It was almost as if he was looking at me for the first time. And really he was; not only was I naked but he was finally allowing himself, telling himself that it was okay to see me as a sexual object, something that he could desire.

I felt myself flush with embarrassment from the comment. He brought his eyes up to meet mine, his face completely bare. He was honest and sincere and oozing with the truth. His olive eyes were now completely cleared away from the film that had been blocking them before, and he was allowing himself to absorb everything about me.

“You’re a work of art,” he breathed again.

“Thanks,” I mumbled, unsure of what to say. I couldn’t really return the compliment just yet because I hadn’t seen him. He reached forward and gave me a quick peck on the lips, which I tried to get more out of, but he had other plans in mind.

He began to descend down my body again, this time starting at my navel. He sucked the skin that once used to be pudgy but now had grown taut with anticipation. He dipped his tongue in and out of the small opening, making my stomach jostle as I tried to maintain a steady breath. His hand gripped my cock again, squeezing it strongly as he slid up and down, his thumb over my slit. My hands gripped his shoulder and hair, and though I didn’t realize it, I had been pushing him down, wanting more contact. He shifted under my hold again, this time sinking lower, straddling my thighs slightly. He looked down at my cock for a moment, still holding the base of it in his hands. He kissed the tip, sliding his tongue softly around the head. It so small of an action, and I was so surprised that nothing registered right away. Once it did, I began to breathe harder and faster, small noises erupting from my mouth. Just as I was adjusting to the new environment, he surprised me once again, wrapping his tight lips around me, hollowing his cheeks and nearly swallowing me whole.

“Ohhhh,” I uttered finding my voice in between choked gasps.

God, I had never done anything that sexual before and fuck, I had thought his hand had felt good. It was nothing compared to his mouth. His lips were firm and gripped me as he went up and down, sliding his tongue around sometimes and occasionally rubbing his teeth against my shaft for added sensation. I kept breathing hard and fast, occasional mutters and murmurs coming out as I gripped the blankets that were tossed around haphazardly around the mattress. I felt him suck my skin with each stroke further down and I could feel myself leaking into his mouth.

With his hand that had been caressing my leg, he began to trail it down to my inner thigh and then eventually to my balls. He stroked them lightly, using those barely touching fingertips of his, just as my head hit the back of his throat, which sent another eruption of moans from me. It felt so good. It was warm and wet and just had such a good rhythm and a flow to it. I could feel my knuckles turning white from the pressure at which I was grasping the sheet and I could feel my toes curl again and again.

I was going to come at any moment. I could feel it in the base of my stomach and loins and if he kept making me hit his throat like he was doing, there was nothing I could do to stop myself. There was nothing I could do to warn him, either. I kept moaning other stuff and biting my lip at the same time to be quiet.

Just when I thought I was about to explode however, my cock throbbing madly, Gerard removed his mouth and began to suck on the flesh around my navel again.

He is not changing positions, I seethed in my head angrily, feeling the mounting sensation diminish slightly. I was still turned on, I just wasn’t as close as I had been before. I finally opened my eyes and looked down at Gerard who was enjoying himself just fine suckling away on my skin, working his way up to my lips again.

“Wha-what…” I uttered in confusion just before he pressed his lips against mine again, his tongue diving right in. Though in still a near-climatic induced state of confusion, I kissed him back, sliding my tongue into his mouth. He tasted different this time, more raw and gritty, the amount of salvia in both of our mouths dwindling on next to nothing.

“Undress me,” he requested in a whisper, only pulling apart our mouths slightly. He traced his tongue along the outside of my lip, waiting for an answer. I looked in his eyes, which were covered by his dark bangs.

I was aware of how I looked; lust-filled and provoked, but he was entirely different. He was raw and exposed, his eyes the same olive colour, but a hue lighter. It was as if that film from before had been contacts, but now that the lenses was out it had the reverse effect, causing him to see the world for what it really was. He wasn’t as lust-filled as I was. He wanted the sensations just as much, but there was more behind his gaze. He was bonding with me; we were sharing the feelings and sensations; we were making each other feel good. We were becoming one person and like Gerard had said – everything all at once.

“Okay,” I agreed slowly. Gerard grinned genuinely, kissing my lips heatedly and grabbing the bottom one with his teeth before he backed away from me.

He stood up on his bed, on his knees and spread out his arms wide. He had a half-smile on his face as I got up and stood the very same way in front of him, my arms at my side. I looked him up and down, sensing him out before I finally reached out and started to undo each one of the small buttons. My fingers shook as they grazed the small plastic items, and I did all in my power to go as fast as I could so Gerard couldn’t see how nervous and anxious I was. I had only undone maybe three of them when his voice came into my ear.

“Go slower,” he whispered sensually.

I changed my focus to glance up at him, his pointy nose off to an angle and his eyelids halfway down his eyes. He was breathing normal deep breaths, different from the heated ones on the bed, enjoying everything.

I couldn’t understand why he wanted me to go slower. I was still hard and eager to do something, for him to touch me again the way he did. I figured he would have wanted his clothes off quick so we could move on with everything. Gerard must have sensed my confusion, and be began to speak again, clarifying. “Go slow to appreciate everything. To build up a memory full of sensations that you can clearly remember. We waited too long for this; let’s take our time.”

He opened his eyes fully then, glancing down at me. I had been biting my lip to keep from quivering but as his voice and calm demeanor washed over me, I felt my muscles loosen. I leaned forward, my lip not so shaky, and met with his again.

We kissed for what seemed like ages, following his advice and going as slow as we could. I let my hands work their way into the small opening I had of the shirt and wrap around the small of his back while he did the same with me. We pushed our hips together again, my bare cock brushing up the odd texture of his pants. The sudden fabric reminded me that I was still in the process of undressing him, but I no longer had to hurry.

I slipped my tongue deeper into his mouth, while I let my hands explore his upper torso more. My fingers traced around his love handles, gripping the flesh and surprising me with its consistency. His skin soft for the most part, with a few patches of dry here and there caused by the winter and lack of sunlight. My palms worked their way through his thick skin, feeling the areas where he had more pudge than others. For some reason, giving his age, I always expected to feel wrinkle upon wrinkle in saggy skin when I did this, but that was not what I found. I didn’t see or feel any wrinkles on his body at all, other than the deep lines rooted on his face. And those I never thought of wrinkles anymore; they were age lines. Places where I could see the amount of times that he had laughed and smiled and frowned. Gerard was an expressive person; I could see it in his face.

I continued to undress him after our slow kiss, his hands still on my back this time, stroking and guiding me. They only moved from my body when the shirt was finally undone all the way and then shrugged off of his shoulders and arms onto the fabric-littered floor. When we met for our embrace again, my hands ran down his now bare thick arms and met at his waist. I was almost done my task and my fingers began to shake again, especially as I fumbled with the button on Gerard’s pants. This was the moment of truth.

I had never seen another person’s penis up close before. I had seen them many times in changing rooms and places like that, but that was never in an intimate setting and never this close. I was only an inch from Gerard and I was going to be even closer to a completely naked one in a matter of moments. I was almost afraid that when I finally undid his pants and set him free that I would realize what I was doing. I would see his cock and realize that I was about to have sex with a guy. Though it was clearly obvious without seeing his dick that Gerard was of the male gender, I had managed to convince myself that that was not what I had fallen for. I fell for Gerard the person, the artist and teacher. He was a good guy; it didn’t matter that he had a cock. That had been what I had told myself in the beginning, trying to detach any sexual preference from it. But when I still found myself thinking about him constantly and wanting to press my lips against his, the sexual connotation could not be denied. I wanted to be one with him; I just still didn’t know if I could take the reality of wanting to be one with a person who had the same sexual organs as I did. And ugly sexual organs at that.

I wasn’t entirely sure how Gerard could get turned on by the male body if he thought it was ugly, but clearly from the girth that I felt as I pressed my hands against his fly, he was having no issues with me. Or with any of the other men he had been with. Gerard was gay, he had admitted that, but it still didn’t make that much sense in my mind.

I had never had a problem with gay people before. I had never really thought of it that much, mostly because I never thought that I could become one of them. If I was one of them…I didn’t know exactly what I was. I agreed wholeheartedly with Gerard that the male body was fucking ugly; I always thought that little fact had made me non-gay. But here was Gerard, spouting off at the mouth of the beauty of women and still wanting to be with men. It left me confused, even if I had never been attracted to a guy before.

There was still one thing I knew for sure, however. I was fucking hard. Despite everything else that conflicted, it was clear to both of us that we were very attracted to each other, gender not included. I just hoped it stayed that way.

When I finally managed to undo Gerard’s pants, my worries were disproved. His cock spilled forth immediately, his tight pants prohibiting him from wearing underwear. His size took me by surprise, probably for the sheer reason that I had never seen a cock other than my own. We were about the same length, I couldn’t help comparing, but he was much thicker than I was. He was only about half-hard then, and I wondered if he would change much more in length and girth.

We stood there, his cock out and exposed, his pants still tight around his waist for awhile, just looking and staring as I caught my breath. This was really going to happen. We were both naked, and all that was left to do was prepare.

Gerard moved his hands up and down my shoulders slowly to snap me back into the world we were creating for ourselves. I reached around his waist, taking the pants in my hands and gently tugging down. I heard Gerard moan slightly as my hands brushed over his butt, and he pulled me close to him again, kissing my lips feverishly. He leaned me back down on the bed, kissing me and taking the rest of his pants off before he laid on me again.

My breath was knocked out of me as I felt his skin against mine, creating a warmth that I could not fathom. It was so hot between our bodies, but it wasn’t a sticky heat. It was just warm air and warm skin with warm breath up against each other, getting closer and closer. I felt his hard cock brush up against mine and I thrust upward instinctively. He was still kissing me as he took one of his hands and found where both of our cocks lay in between us. He teased and touched my own member for awhile before he tried to dissect his way further through the folds of my skin. He brushed my balls like he had before, but spent minimal time there, instead pushing past skin. Soon, I felt his finger press against my opening. It sent a spark of fire up through me, but it wasn’t in pain. It was in pure and utter shock. We were going to have sex. It was happening. The same thoughts had been running through my mind, but as he touched my hole just then, it made everything final. He was preparing me for the action now, trying to get his fingers inside of me to make it easier.

I vaguely knew how gay sex worked and it had never really sounded that pleasant to me. It was my ass; just think of what came out of there. I had heard horror stories from people on losing their virginities, speaking of pain they never wanted to feel again. That was for straight vaginal sex, but I assumed that the same properties of pain would be applied. Probably even more since technically a dick wasn’t supposed to be shoved anywhere near that hole. I felt my breathing quicken as he merely hovered around my opening with his fingers, not actually going inside but feeling it out.

“Do you want to?” he asked softly, breaking away my lips from his own and looking me in the eye. He noticed my hitched breathing and began to coo into my ear softly, nibbling on the earlobe as he waited for my response.

He was being so great about everything; I knew that. Again, I recalled horror stories of violent nights where the other person was drunk and didn’t give a fuck, plowing into the victim on the bed. Gerard was kind and gentle, not wanting to hurt me in any way or do anything that I didn’t want to do. But my breathing was still labored and hard. I was trying to grasp the notion that we were going to have sex; that I was going to lose my virginity. And that it would hurt. I had wanted this to happen but now that it actually was, it didn’t seem real.

“You don’t have to,” he said softly still nibbling on my ear. He began to take his fingers away from my entrance and started to brush my cock again.

“I’m scared…” I confessed, crushing my eyes closed as he touched me again. He stopped his motions suddenly, merely resting his hand on my shaft as looked at me, closing his eyes and breathing in deeply. He pressed his forehead against mine, adding an intimacy to his next words that I had not heard or seen ever before.

“Me too,” he finally answered, his breath tickling my raw lips.

“What?” I asked back surprised. I shifted so I looked him straight in the eyes, watching as his pupils dilated. He simply nodded his head slowly with a dull smile. When I still looked confused, he sighed again, shifting his weight off of my torso, nuzzling beside me. He kept his hands on and around me, touching the side of my face and bringing it closer to him as he began to talk.

“Don’t you think that I’ve been afraid of this happening ever since you came here?” he asked me seriously, his eyes wide and open.

I blinked a few times, trying to comprehend what he was getting at. “Then why did you keep me coming back?”

In all the time I had spent with Gerard, I was only doing what he wanted me to do. If he wanted me to clean his brushes for alcohol, I was going to do it. If he wanted me to clean his bird cage and receive paint lessons, I would do it. I would always listen to him and do everything because I wanted to. But if he had told me, one day, to just get out of his house and never come back again, I would have done that too. If Gerard had had the upper hand in everything leading up to this point, then why had he thrown himself into a game he knew he would lose?

He swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he did. He looked me dead centre in the eye saying his next line, showing his sincerity. “Some things are just too good to pass up.”

This time, upon hearing his words strung together with a warm silent background, it was me who leaned forward and engulfed his mouth in mine. His words hit me hard, but in all the right places this time around. They were not like the day before when he had torn me to shreds about my guitar playing. Those words had stung open wounds. These sentences, phrases, words and even letters healed and mended those former wounds, leaving me to be a new person, a blank canvas with him.

I felt my stomach drop, but only to a certain level. It was okay to feel the way I felt just then, because I knew I wasn’t alone. Gerard wasn’t just some suave experienced lover anymore. This was going to be a first time for him too. His first time with someone so young, his first time allowing himself to do what he knew he should not. His first time not being afraid anymore, and that was definitely not going to be a last.

I leaned my body closer to his, letting him know that I still wanted to do the everything that I had promised. But even still, after a few minutes of kissing, his hands found their way to my hole and he asked again.

“Do you want to?”

This time, the statement held no shock factor in my mind because I knew what I wanted. I nodded, my face pressed into his shoulder, sucking on his neck. I had agreed, but still had no idea what to do next and I prayed that he would guide me.

He nodded with approval against my neck as well, his hand roaming all over my back. He pushed me into him while he moved away, so I was face down and my back was exposed to the air. I laid there feeling him move away from me and stand up on his knees. Not knowing what else to do, I raised my butt slightly in the air, thinking that I was doing a good thing. I felt his hands run down my back, starting at my shoulders and I knew that he was smiling, laughing a little at my ill-fated attempt at anal sex.

“It will be easier on you if you stand this time,” he informed me, leaning down and whispering into my ear. I nodded quickly, feeling my face grow flushed.

I got on my knees again, like we had been before when he was undressing me, kneeling rather than standing up completely. I was glad this positioning seemed satisfactory to Gerard because I wasn’t sure if I could stand up then. I could feel myself shaking, inside and out, especially when I felt Gerard’s cock every once in while brush up against one of my cheeks. He saw my lost state and took hold of my arms, placing them on the headboard of his bed.

My fingers gripped the wood as his hands became steady on my back, tipping me down so I was out and exposed even more. In this position, he ran his fingers so softly down my spine, coming to align with my hole. I froze when he paused, then slid a slightly wet finger into me, probably lubricated with his own saliva. I cringed and receded when I first felt his nubby digit go into me, letting out a jagged breath as he slid in up to the knuckle. He paused for a moment, letting me adjust while I just squirmed. I shifted my weight from knee to knee, fingers furling and unfurling against the headboard, but I never once tried to get away from the sensation. Gerard leaned his chest against my back again, and I could feel his heart beating hard, even through the layers of flesh separating us.

“It’ll get better,” he assured me, sliding the same finger out of me a little, then pushing it back in. He curved the digit inside of me as well, stretching the hole a little bit more before he placed a second in. “This is the awkward part.”

I bit my lip and nodded, not knowing if I could talk much. It didn’t hurt per se, but it was certainly an invasion. I could feel the way his fingers curved, the joints and the distinct lengths of the digits. I didn’t like the sensation; there was no pleasure and it was uncomfortable. I told myself that it was only because it was a finger inside me and not his cock, and that it would get better when there were no literal bones inside my sensitive area. But I also realized that his cock was bigger, much bigger than the two or three fingers he was sliding in and out. And though it didn’t hurt much yet, it may have only been a matter of time. The horror stories came back to my mind again and I could feel my chest constricting with nervous anticipation. The feelings only grew stronger after he slid his fingers out and leaned over to his bedside table, grabbing out a bottle of hand lotion.

“I haven’t done this in so long,” he mentioned under his breath with a smile, smearing some liquid in his free hand and lathering up his now fully hard cock. His other hand was placed on my side for balance as he took some of the excess lotion and placed it around my opening.

My hole felt a little bigger from the work his fingers had done, but as he placed himself closer to me again, both hands now on my waist, and I felt his cock outside my body, the hole didn’t seem that big anymore. It felt like the smallest thing on the earth, and he was the biggest. I remembered hearing somewhere a woman describe childbirth and pregnancy as ‘going in like a banana and coming out like a pineapple’ and the thought stuck with me, despite the disturbing fruit references. But what if it wasn’t a banana going in? I asked myself in a heated rush. What if it was a fucking pineapple? It certainly felt that way just then. The fear that had gripped me before became more persistent, just as Gerard grew his mouth to my ear.

“Are you ready?” he breathed.

The question was simple but the thoughts in my head weren’t just a yes or no answer anymore. They were fucking fruit analogies, and most of them didn’t even seem to be English.

“Is it going to hurt?” I blurted out the first, and really the most important, concern that came to my head. I could feel the heat from his cock outside my hole and it spread through my body, making my muscles tense and writhe. He wasn’t even inside me at all yet, and I was already convinced it was going to hurt like a bitch.

“Everything in life hurts, Frank,” Gerard stated seriously, trying not to be his philosophical self but having it come out that way.

I breathed out hard, not wanting to deal with theories at the moment. I just needed an answer and reassurance. I knew by that point that we were going to have sex. I wanted to and so did he. We were too fucking close to just stop. He was right outside my opening, just hovering there and waiting it out until we had a definite answer. We weren’t at penetration yet, but God I knew it was coming. My muscles tensed and my heart pounded fast.

Sensing my aggravation with his answer, he continued. “Yes, it does hurt,” he stated honestly, rubbing his hands up and down my back to ease my tension. With a response like that however, it did nothing to cool my nerves. “But it depends on the amount of pain you need.”

“What?” I asked to his addition. I had always thought all pain was bad and you had to avoid it.

“You need enough pain to know it’s real,” he informed me, pausing for a second. He placed his hot cheek against my upper back, right by my right shoulder, nuzzling me. “But not so much that it makes you want to stop.” He turned his face over again, to kiss my back, tracing his tongue along my shoulder blades.

“Are you ready?” he finally asked, after we stayed in the same semi-awkward positions for what felt like forever.

“Yeah,” I answered honestly, voice clear and whole.

I knew what pain was. I had been hurting all my life; whether it was school, friends or family. I knew what it was like to hurt. When I was with Gerard was the only time I didn’t feel like an empty cell, the only time where I didn’t feel pain. But Gerard was offering it to me then, saying that I needed to have it. You can never remember the actual sensation of pain, but only the feelings around it, I remembered hearing somewhere. Gerard had to remind me of that fact, making me finally able to accept my fate. Pain was a horrible thing, but when I was with him, it was worth it for the memories.

I nodded to his request strongly, breathing out and gripping the headboard sturdily. He nodded too, then began to get himself into position. I felt him place one final kiss on my back before he gripped my waist, slowly pushing the tip of his cock into my lubricated entrance. I gasped right away, feeling the head pop inside me within moments, sending an initial stretch of pain through my body.

“Shhhh,” Gerard cooed, keeping one hand in a firm grasp on my waist as the other extended to my shoulders and hairline. He massaged my skin and glided through my sticky mane, while I pressed my chin to my chest, struggling to breathe in an even manner. He had stopped moving inside of me, but I could still feel the blood pumping in his organ that my insides were wrapped around. His palm grazed my skin, extending to my neck where he pressed my head up and turned it, bringing his face close to mine and pressing a small kiss on my lips. I cringed into his soft embrace as he pulled our bodies together, feeling him enter me more and more, slow but constant.

“Almost there,” he whispered into my mouth as he pulled away from the short kiss.

I whimpered at reply, putting my head back down on my chest and gripping the headboard hard. My knuckles reached a fair shade of ivory just as he filled me all the way up to the hilt, keeping his word. I let out the jagged breath that I was unaware I had been holding. He was inside of me now.

And God, it hurt. The pain had started out as just a discomfort as his cock stretched my skin further than his fingers had, but it turned into a searing pain when he plunged deeper into me. It had hurt so fucking much, despite his reassuring words, his rubbing of my back, the slowed pace and the copious amounts of lube he had used. It had still hurt, no matter what he had done. And it was still hurting then, his girth just resting inside of me, waiting for the next moment. But like Gerard had said, the pain was just enough so I knew it was real. Gerard was real; he was inside of me then, apart of me. And it wasn’t enough pain to stop, not by a long shot. I never wanted it to stop.

We seemed to stay in those positions forever, waiting for my body to finally adjust to the new part of itself. Eventually, my knuckles loosened their grip, the skin colour returning to my hands and the searing pain became more of a dull ache; something I could handle. Even if I had still been in pain, I wouldn’t have wanted it to stop. This was what I had always wanted. I had wanted to be with Gerard, in so many ways and I was finally accomplishing that. It felt fucking amazing.

“Are you ready?” he asked again, when my breathing had begun to become more normal and rhythmic.

Gerard’s face was still hovering around the top of my back, placing small kisses on my shoulder blades as his hands rubbed to reassure me of everything he was doing. I felt so fucking safe with him then, completely contrasting the amount of pain I was in. Gerard would never hurt me; I knew that. The pain I was experiencing was something that he could not control, and something that was going away bit by bit.

“Yeah,” I breathed again, not be able to say much else.

I could feel my muscles tighten again, along with the grip on the headboard, anticipating the next actions. I felt Gerard take a deep breath against my back, placing one final kiss and squeeze to my body before he started up his own movements.

He pulled out of me a few inches, letting the cold air come in between our two bodies and then slid back inside of me, sealing off our warmth once more. He started again, and began to repeat the sequence of events over and over. His first movements were slow and steady, but didn’t increase that much speed as I began to get used to it, my breathing returning to a somewhat normal state. At first I only thought he was going slowly for me, because of the pain I was in, but when I told him he could go faster, he shrugged it off yet again, his face pressed against my back and neck.

“Go slow to appreciate everything, to appreciate sensations,” he told me between panted breathes. Our bodies had begun to sweat slightly and our clammy skin clung together each time our flesh met. “I want to appreciate you. ”

His words from before when I had undressed him came back into my head, making me smile despite some discomfort. The pain was getting better, his movements in and out of me becoming easier partly helped by his slowed pace and only hurting every once in awhile. Gerard wanted to remember everything about this night, I told myself. He wanted to go slow to touch me, taste me and fuck me as long as he could. And I felt the exact same way. I needed to remember this, because it almost hadn’t happened. Our fight came to my mind as well, and I had never been so glad I had fought for what I believed in. I believed in this, and fuck, it was working out just fine. It was real.

I let out a breathy sigh as my response, letting my grip detach on the headboard as I leaned my head back to him, where he placed a small chaste kiss on my mouth. We started to increase our speed slightly, but it was not by much. We were not moving too fast to meet out-of-breath standards, but we were both so nervous and turned on it affected our breathing pattern. We began to pant a lot, anything slower coming out jaggedly. Feeling braver as the pain subsided more and more with each of his movements, I began to meet his thrusts, pushing back on him as he pushed into me, letting out a low moan each time. I had tried to suppress any noise I wanted to make at first by biting my lip, but Gerard encouraged me to be vocal.

“I want to hear you,” he said, tracing his tongue along the outside of my ear. “I need to hear you because I can’t see you just yet.”

And heeding to his request, I let the first of many groans roll off my tongue. I had never been accustomed to making noise when I pleasured myself, mostly because I was in a house with other people and really couldn’t make noise without receiving unwanted attention. Now though, we were in Gerard’s own little world, his black abyss of nothing and I could be as loud as I wanted to. My vocalizations weren’t too noisy at first, but when he found this spot inside of me, only brushing up against it for a split second, I let loose a straggled yelp in my throat.

“There?” he asked, whispering in my ear and halting his movements for a second.

I had no idea what he was talking about, but I nodded my head with a loose, ‘yes’ falling out of my mouth. He nodded against my skin, pulling my body closer to him by wrapping his hands around my chest, locking them in the centre. He started his motions again, going at his same rate but hitting that spot I never knew existed inside of me. There were a few stings of pain from my hole not being used to being attacked at from that angle, but wherein lied pain, also lied pleasure. He got that spot a few more times, right on contact. Each hit felt as good as a fucking orgasm, only quicker and didn’t make me come. It just made me want more and more.

I began to become aware of the other sensations around my body as he hit that spot, and the tingling feeling that ran through my bloodstream and stretched out through my fingertips. I could feel him sliding in and out of me, and fuck, it was a phenomenal feeling. We were one person then, moving in unison, breathing and moaning at the same time. At one point, I swore we were both going to come at the same time too, but that would have been too perfect and nearly impossible.

One of Gerard’s hands that had been locked in front of my chest, feeling my heart beat and my breathing spasm, gingerly began to drape down my taut stomach and curved hips to reach my cock. At the beginning of our action, I had been only half-hard from lack of initial contact and quickly fading because of the pain. However, as Gerard found that spot in me and the pain had become less and less, I was hard and leaking again. His hands clutched me like he had an hour before on the bed, his thumb finding my dripping slit while he gripped me solidly in his hand, the other one on my waist, helping brace himself with his own motions. He squeezed my cock firmly at first, causing me to emit a boisterous moan again. He smiled into my back, feeling his nubby teeth against my hot skin as he began pumping hard with his fist, going slightly faster than his thrusts inside me.

We were grunting together by that point and as he hit that spot in me one last time, I exploded in his hands, my hips bucking forward and incomprehensible moans falling from my wide opened mouth. My head fell back onto his chest and he brought his lips and open mouth to mine, letting us share in a sloppy embrace while I still rode out my orgasm into his fist. I was still being thrust into from behind and reeling from it all as our tongues mixed together, my jaw so slacked that I could barely kiss back. I finally felt him change his rhythm and force inside of me, as he too began to explode, moaning into my open and wet mouth. I let my head fall back down onto my chest in exhaustion after the wet kiss, feeling completely drained inside from my orgasm, the remnants of it coating his dark sheets and my thighs.

I could still feel the distinct motioning of his cock when he had come; the initial blood surge and pounding signaling it was about to happen. I felt the constant twitching that I had felt moments earlier in my own cock take place inside of me, where I was suddenly shot with a full feeling that resonated within my body. It was warm and sticky, and as Gerard began to slide out of me, I could feel it start to come out as well, falling down the backs of my legs. Gerard still left me feeling full though, but with something far better.

He rode out his orgasm for a few more thrusts before he pulled out, and as he did, he turned me around to face him properly again. We crashed our lips together once more, like we had done when we first started the action in the centre of the room. We were both sweaty and sticky from our passion-filled night, and I was a little weak but it didn’t seem to matter. His soft lips went over mine, opening his mouth and letting my tongue slide through to taste him. We were acting just like we had when the act first started, and I knew this was a good sign. It meant this was going to happen again, that this wasn’t a fluke or a one-night stand. This was something so much more, and it was far from over yet. And we were going to enjoy for however long it lasted.

He kissed me and kissed me like there was nothing wrong with it and like we were still horny and hadn’t come yet. It wasn’t a lustful sex-crazed kiss, though. He was kissing me to kiss me; to make sure I was still there and that he was too. That we were safe. That our action was so much more than just sex. I knew because I kissed him back, touching his face and arms and neck for the same reason. We wrapped our arms around each other letting our lips fade away, pressing our foreheads together and just breathing as we hugged. Our flesh clung together in a clammy mess, but we were still hugging. We were alive and we were together.

As we looked into each other’s eyes in the dark room, we knew that this could be the end of the world for us. We had done what we were never supposed to do. We had had sex and the evidence of the event was all around us. There was no hiding from it. We didn’t want to hide per se. We knew as we kissed and hugged and touched each other that we didn’t regret a single thing. Regret was a useless emotion, especially surrounding this. We had wanted this to happen; we needed it to. And it didn’t matter what people thought about it anymore, because we wouldn’t tell anyone. It would be our own little secret plan; our own painting, our own song. If the outside world saw it and made their own interpretations, all they would have seen was gender and numbers. They wouldn’t have seen what we saw. They wouldn’t have known our own message behind our work.

Just by looking and not exchanging a single sentence, Gerard and I saw these conclusions in each other. By the way our eyes and bodies moved, we knew what the other was thinking and that act in itself was why everything was so right, even when people would just view it as wrong. And because of that fact, we would keep our picture hidden in this small apartment, in this black abyss of a room. We would keep it here where we could have the world in our hands, where desperate and dangerous situations would not affect us, and where we could take what we needed from each other.

And in this world we were creating in each others arms, we needed everything.