Dungeons&Dragons

Listening 1: Best time to marry.

Various people debate marrying early or late in life

Amir / Iran
If marrying early means the age of thirty, I don't think so because my parents got married after thirties and they're having a happy life and for male, especially maybe there are not necessarily obliged to marry early because their circumstances are different from the women because they have to give birth, maybe it's better for them to get early... before they're 30... if they want to give birth, I mean. Yeah. Thank you.

Lori / Canada
I don't think early or late really comes into the question. I think you should get married when you have found the right person and you're really sure that this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

 

Eoin / England
I think it's probably better to marry later in life, though possibly that's influenced by the fact that both of my parents married at a later stage in life. The reason I think that is because it allows you to really discover who you are and to do a lot of the things that you would want to do while you're young.

 

Aki / Japan
I'm 27 right now I don't consider if I marry now, I don't consider marrying early so, I guess marrying late is better. You get more experience and ideas. What marriage is. You get to maybe find the perfect guy for yourself so I'd rather marry late.

 

Chris / England
I think you should marry when you're older, but I don't think that means that marrying when you're younger is necessarily a bad thing. I just think, when you're older you understand more about yourself. The person you marry... you know... you should be able to imagine that this is the person you're going to live with for the rest of your life, and when you're young, maybe you don't know what that the rest of your life is going to be, so when you're a little bit older you can perhaps see that and you know, find someone who's the best match for you.

 

Maiko / Japan
I used to believe that marrying young is better than marrying later in life, but now that I married later, I think it was a good decision to do whatever you want to do when you are young and you have experienced things you couldn't have done if you were married so I'm really happy to be married a little later in my life.

Family Size
Listen to six people talk about how big their family is and where they are now.

Jeff, Canada
I have a, by modern standards, I have a big family: seven people. My parents, my mom and dad. I have a sister, an older brother, two younger brothers and myself and the neat thing about my family now is my sister lives in America, one brother lives in Australia, one brother lives in England, one brother lives in Canada and I live in Japan, so we are spread out all over the world.

Arienne, Norway
In my family there are five people: my older brother, my younger brother and myself and of course my parents. We also have a dog but he is unfortunately very sick so we might not have a dog for very much longer. My family lives about an hour away from me in Norway. I live in Oslo which is the capital and they live in a very small city south of it.

Rebecca, Australia
How many people are in my family? There are four people in my family: my mother, my father, my younger brother and myself. I actually don't live with my family anymore. I live in a country town three hours away, so I don't get to see my family very much. At the moment, we also have two dogs as well, which is nice.

Sabriya, Oman
There are five people: my father, my mother, my younger brother, and my younger sister. Unfortunately, they are all away from me now and I miss them so much.

Swinki, Kenya
How big is my family? I'm the youngest in the family of five children. My sister, who’s right ahead of me, has a baby so I could say that we are six kids in the family. Everyone lives in Kenya. I'm the only one who lives abroad and we love each other. We used to hate each other up till seven years ago but now we are in love with each other.

Tini, Vietnam
How big is my family? Like we have four people in my family and we are pretty much a nuclear family, of course there are my mom, my dad, myself and my little brother. He's called Kevin. And we used to have a dog, and we named him Lulu.

 

Listening 2: Breaking up.

Diego, Mexico
I would rather break up with someone because I like to be in control of things, so if someone breaks up with me, I wouldn't be in control of things, so that would change the status quo, and yeah, I would like break up with that person instead of that person breaking up with me.

Lia, Indonesia
I would rather have someone to break up with me because I know that if they break up with me, I can handle it quite good I guess, but if I break up with them, I just don't want to hurt their feelings.

Christophe, Belgium
I think I would prefer to break up with someone because if somebody breaks up with you, you just feel horrible. You feel like you're worth nothing, and you're completely alone in the world, so I would prefer to take the initiative by myself and not feel so bad about it.

Katia, Mexico
I would rather have somebody else to break up with me, but then of course, the situation, if it's different, and I have to do that step, then I'm willing to do that.

Tom, U.K.
I would rather have someone break up with me than break up with someone else because after you break up, people are always asking you, why? what happened? And if you can blame it on someone else, rather than making it look like you were the bad guy, it's so much easier.

Jess, U.K.
Ooh, that's a tough question. I think either way. If you break up with someone or they break up with you, it's not a pleasant experience, so I can't answer that. I'd rather not break up with anyone at all.

 

A Divorce Lawyer

 

I = Interviewer

S = Jane Simpson

 

I Mrs. Simpson, could you tell me who most often starts divorce proceedings, the man or the woman?

S The woman.

I And what is the most common reason for divorce?

S Well, the legal reason most commonly stated in the courts is adultery, but this is a symptom, really, rather than the real reason. I think there are two real reasons. One, the couple have grown apart with time, and two, either the husband or wife has found the courage eventually to bring to an end an intolerable situation. More specifically, the woman's reasons are that she doesn't have to put up with it any longer, and she has grown up, become more mature, as it were and is perhaps making an important decision for herself for the first time in her life. The man’s reasons are that he is growing away, perhaps because of business, and his wife who’s left at home doesn’t come with him either physically on business trips, but more important, doesn’t develop with him spiritually.

I You said that adultery is often the symptom of divorce, not the cause. Could you say a little more about that, do you think?

S Yes. Adultery is not often the reason why a marriage breaks down. It's really an event that brings out the reasons why a marriage has already broken down. It’s really an event that brings out the reason why a marriage has already broken down. Adultery, you see, is a tangible fact. Many of us find difficult to know our true feelings, our emotion, and it can be even more difficult to talk about them. Well, adultery is something you can actually point at, and say 'That's why'.

I I see.

S People by nature are conservative. We're afraid of change, we're afraid of the unknown, and so people put up with the most intolerable circumstances for years before coming to the decision.

I Oh. After all your years of experience in the more unpleasant side of marriage, what's your opinion of it?

S Well,I’m in favour f it. I think there are many good marriages. They do work, but they need a lot of work to keep them going. I think this is something unfortunately that most people just don't realize. Marriages need effort to be invested in them, just as for instance flowers need water and attention, or they die. I must say, I think it's better to end a relationship that doesn't work, rather than stay together in misery for year after year.

I Yes

S So my advice to divorcees is 'Think long and hard about what went wrong with that marriage, and so avoid making the same mistake twice.' Too many people rush into another marriage too quickly, and for example a woman who thinks she needs a dominating man but then hates being dominated will marry another dominating man, and of course it all happens all over again.

I Mmm yes, do you think divorce should be made easier or more difficult, or in your opinion is the situation acceptable as it is?

S Yes, it's OK. I personally think the grounds for divorce should be simplified. I think the only reason required for divorce should be one year's separation. At the moment, as you probably know, the fundamental reason is 'irretrievable breakdown', and a number of signs that might prove that. But what actually happens is that a couple knows their marriage is over, and has to find one of the accepted labels to explain it. So the present system is a bit dishonest you might say.

I And is it true that children are the ones who suffer most?

S Oh yes, they suffer more than we care to realize. Parents need to talk honestly to the children, preferably together.

I Do you think then that having children is a reason for staying together?

S No, not if the parents can't behave in an adult way. Children are a very good reason for working harder at a marriage, however, and so stopping a bad situation starting in the first place. But if the atmosphere is already tense, there will be a lot of relief when the parents divorce.

I Uhm, tell me how you find your job? Doesn't it depress you sometimes, that you're dealing with couples who perhaps hate each other, or who've lied and hurt other people, and are now perhaps fighting selfishly to get the most for themselves?

S Oh yes, sometimes I'll think 'Why can't you sort out your own problems?' about a particular client. 'Be honest with yourself and the others in your life, that's all you've got to do.' But of course that's something we find very difficult. What I wish most is that they would realize just how well-off they were, and I don't mean money by the way. But when I have the client in front of me, well, I just have a job to do, and I must do it to the best of my abilities.

I Thank you very much, Mrs. Simpson.

Listening 2: COUNSELLING

Interviewer: Did you need any qualifications?

Eileen: Not academic qualifications, no. I think... Relate, is looking for people who are very open and who don't hold very strong views in terms of applying their own moral values to other people, and so that you need to be very accepting of people with problems.

Interviewer:You were saying earlier on that urn.., that, that the popular view of er... a Marriage Guidance Counsel is somebody with a stick of glue...

Eileen: Yes

Interviewer:… is er …quite wrong, in fact.

Eileen: Yes, I feel that …I feel that's how we're seen and in fact our old name, Marriage Guidance Counsel, I think contributed to that enormously. We do not encourage people to stay together if dearly there's no mileage left in the relationship. And er... but we look at this and explore this with our clients over a number of weeks. And sometimes what does seem to be initially where one's going, helping people to part comfortably, quite often it turns out that in fact they stay rogether. So there's no sort of … you know, I think you have to be very open about these things.

Interviewer:Um… what sort of immediate problems do people usually come to you about, what do they come and say? "Oh I've got a problem, it's because my husband or my wife…”n What is the sort of thing they … they worry about?

Eileen: Quite often sex is a presenting problem. In fact when you... when you're into the problem it really isn't about sex at all. We do use … have a... have a marital sex therapy clinic here. The problems, I mean I see a lot of clients, I've seen a lot over the last four years, and the problems are as various as there are people. Um... it can be absolutely anything. I feel the underlying problem... which my clients often have in common, is a lack of communication. Things start to go wrong, and they don't talk about it, and when they come to me then I hope to facilitate that process and to get them communicating. And quite often initially they just communicate when they're here, but over a period of time, I can set tasks and get them to communicate about specific things at home, and they … so they start to learn to communicate at home.

Interviewer:Could you go into that a bit, the tasks?

Eileen: Yes, I mean.. often on an emotional level, people have stopped touching, you know maybe they've been married for a while and the children have come along, and so... the only... the only contact with them is a sexual one, and that... that isn’t what we're all about, we do need sexual contact but we also need another sort of contact as well. And so I will then... in... er... set them small tasks to do like to put their arms round each other without it leading anywhere, and … I mean in terms of sex, to take each other’s hand occasionally and you … you still start by building up a pattern of them doing the things again which maybe they did at the beginning of their relationship and they've lost. Or... if they're not communicating very well... and that doesn't mean they're not articulate or they can't talk... I had some clients quite recently where they both talked non-stop, but in fact neither listened to the other, so that they didn't hear the problems at all, and I then set them a task, to each of them to talk to the other for five minutes and the other one wasn't to say anything in that five minutes, and at the end of five minutes, the person who was doing the listening had to reflect back to the... their partner what they'd said. And that was actually quite difficult for them; they didn't achieve it in the first few weeks.

Interviewer:Mm... so the task varies according to the…

Eileen: Yes, according to the problem presented.

Interviewer:You were saying, you were mentioning earlier the idea of a … a contract with you... which you agree. Could you explain?

Eileen: Yes, I set up a first session, which is I suppose essentially an assessment in which I get some idea of the problem and at the end, I tend to... if I have the pair, keep them together and l will then set up a... a contract loosely for, say six weeks and I will say perhaps, "The initial problem seems to be... and I think we'll spend the next six weeks... " and I will outline roughly what I think we'll do in those six weeks. Perhaps we'll look at his background in one week, her background in the next week, and then see if there are any repeating patterns from childhood which are still coming up, and, then we will move on from there to deal with the, problems that seem to be around. Having said that, quite often the contract has to go out of the window if there's particular points of crisis which arise you have to deal with what I would call the 'here and now' problems which crop up. So I'll sometimes go in thinking I'm going to deal with his or her background and then find that I've dealt with the current crisis that’s going on.

Interviewer:Yes, I see you have a box of tissues here on the table.

Eileen: We go through a lot of tissues. Both, I should add, for the men and the women.

Interviewer:Do you find that um... can... is there such a thing as a success or a failure or is it all a gradual or er... um... relative matter... um... I mean...?

Eileen: Well, you don't often know about the successes because, you can, you counsel... work with a couple... with one person, perhaps for a period of time, and, you arrive at what seems to be a reasonable solution for the client, and I should say here that even the word 'counsellor' I think is not an … a very good name. I looked it up in the dictionary once and it said 'an advisor' and we're not advisors, really, we try to remain non-directional and allow our clients to find solutions to their own problems.

Interviewer:More like sounding-boards sort of...

Eileen: Yes, I mean and we will ask the sort of questions which will enable them to explore the problem, but at no point will I have a client say to me, "Here is the problem", and I will say this week we'll try solution A and next week solution B. The clients really need to find the problem... the answer to the problems. I think, often they go off and continue working at the problem... the difficulties. I had a... I had a postcard quite recently from a client who I counselled quite a long time, for about six months and this for me summed up successful counselling, she wrote and said, "We are still having some problems, but we now feel we have the mechanisms to deal with them." So I think this... that... that actually for me is successful counselling.

Listening 3: Arranged Marriage.

Enam talks about marriage in Bangladesh.

Katia: Hey, Enam. I’ve heard that in Bangladesh there are still arranged marriages. Is it high?

Enam: Yes, it is true. We still have arranged marriages but the number of arranged marriages is declining these days because students, or even you can say (the) young generation don’t like this custom any more. They want to choose their own bride and groom by themselves, but yeah, we still have this arranged marriage in our villages where the bride doesn’t know the groom and the groom doesn’t even know the bride. Their parents just arrange the marriage and introduce them for two days or a few weeks, they just get to know each other, maybe just little talks…then they just get married. Everything starts after the marriage.

Katia: Wow! That is so interesting, but what about you? How do you feel about it?

Enam: Actually, I have decided not to go for an arranged marriage, and I have already talked with my Mom and she said, “OK, you can choose your own bride”… but tell me Katia, what would you do if you were in Bangladesh and you had to do arranged marriage? Suppose you are in Bangladesh. You are a Bangladeshi girl and your parents are asking you to marry a guy they chose for you.

Katia:Well, I would really trust my parents that they would choose the best thing for me, however if I would meet somebody else before they did, I would probably want to choose my own husband, but then it would also be interesting to understand my parents and because I know they would want the best thing for me, but it’s still a little bit difficult question.

Enam:So, Katia, do you have arranged marriages in Mexico? Or you don’t have?

Katia:Actually, not really. Mexican boys, Mexican girls…. They fall in love and many times actually they go against the parents and actually that’s common in the movies. So, no arranged marriages in Mexico. But Enam, I’m very curious, how do arranged marriages happen? How do they work?

Enam:Well, it’s kind of interesting I think because the match makes often study about the family backgrounds, their values and they perceptions, everything, and when they see that these two people have the same, kind of, values, and they share the same level of understanding, then they talk with the parents and always both the man and woman has a chance to talk about the values and how to think about the lives and that then they decide whether to get married or not.

Katia:that is so interesting.

Listening 3: Divorce.

 

Enam and Katia talk about divorce in their countries.

 

Katia: So, Enam, we're talking about arranged marriages, but what about the rate of divorce of arranged marriages? Is it high?

Enam: Well, actually, the rate is incredibly low. Actually, it's below ten percent and it's changing but still it’s really low and the reason I think is because the culture in Bangladesh... in that kind of culture, boys and girls are like grown-up in different ways, and they don’t really see each other that closely, and that’s why when you are married with a person, you start to know that person after different … opposite gender ….. quite well and that helps develop an understanding and they both... both of them try to understand each other - their values ­- and in the cultural background it's normally decided that they have to be together normally without exception for the rest of their lives, so they just try to work in that way. Do you have a higher divorce rate in your country?

Katia: Actually, unfortunately it is increasing. I really don't know the percentage but when I was young, if somebody of my friends parents would get a divorce that would be very shocking to hear. It wasn’t common. But now, a lot of my friends actually are going through divorce or their parents have divorced, which it wasn’t common but now it seems a little bit more common, so unfortunately things are changing in Mexico.

Enam: Why do you think that the divorce rate is going up? What could be the reason behind this?

Katia:I think it's very hard to say but I think they're various reasons. For example, women didn't used to work. They used to stay home and take care of the house, the husband, the children, but now women have become more independent. They have been able to make different decisions that before they didn’t have to, so I think the independence of the women has changed things and perhaps the culture itself, the culture of marriage and divorce, it has changed also so I think possibly those two reasons.

Listening for Task 5 from Supplementary Materials for Self-study: American Family.

Vocabulary and Key Concepts. Listen to a dictation of the full sentences, and write the missing words in the blanks.

1. A hundred years ago, one heard the same comments about the family that one hears today-in short that the American family is disintegrating.

2. Proof of this disintegration included evidence that women were not completely content with their domestic role.

3. To the contrary, the very nature of the family has changed drastically in the last 50 years.

4. To be sure, the family is a very sensitive barometer for what is happening in the society.

5. Demographically, the predominant configuration of the family was the traditional one.

6. The country idealized the family in these years: there was a commitment to the family and a reverence for it.

7. Three characteristics stand out in this period: conformity to social norms, greater male domination of the family, and clear-cut gender roles.

8. These decades were characterized by a lack of conformity to social norms and included the sexual revolution and the women's liberation movement.

9. Another important movement was the drive for self-expression and self-fulfillment.

10. The new configuration of the family had to include families of co-habiting couples, with or without children.

11. The number of single-parent households tripled, and the number of unmarried couples quadrupled.

12. Most experts admit that children paid a high price for the social changes, including spending long days in day care and living with stepparents.

13. There is an attempt to balance work with family obligations, and concern seems to be shifting from individualism to the new familism.

14. Places of work may offer more flexible working hours and on - site day care.

15. For its part the government could mandate parental leave and family allowances.

Listen to the lecture about the development of family in the USA, make notes, be ready to retell the main points of the lecture and compare the situation with Ukrainian family.

 

A hundred years ago, one heard the same kinds of comments about the American family that one hears today, in short, that the American family is disintegrating. Proof of this disintegration at the end of the 19^th century included three points: the declining birthrate, a rising divorce rate and evidence that women were not completely content with their domestic role. It’s a little surprising to me that the same claim about the family is being made today that it is disintegrating, and often the same points are mentioned as proof: declining birthrates, increasing divorce rates and discontent of women with domestic roles. Now, in no way do I mean to imply that cultural, demographic and economic conditions are the same now as they were one hundred years ago. To the contrary, the very nature of the family has changed drastically in the last 50 years, not to mention the last one hundred years. But I don’t think the average person’s concept of the family has changed very much over the years. A lot of people have one fixed idea of the family – a married couple, where mother stays home to care for the children and father works. But this idea is challenged by what we see every day at US society. To be sure, the family is a very sensitive barometer for what is happening in the society, the culture and the economy of the United States. To make this point clear, we’ll take a look at how the American family has changed in the last 50 years by looking at three main time periods: the mid 1940s to the mid 1970s, the mid 70s to the mid 90s, and finally the present. Sociologist Barbara Defoe Whitehead labels these three periods: the period of traditional familism, the period of individualism, and the period of the new familism. I’ll try for each period to show how economic, demographic and cultural elements interact and in turn affect the family. Well, let’s proceed in chronological order and start with the traditional familism. We’re talking here of the twenty years from the mid 1940s to the mid 1970s. This was the period after World War Two, a period characterized by a very strong economy. This gave the United States a rising standard of living and a growing middle class. Demographically, the predominant configuration of the family from these years was the traditional one – a married couple with children, some women worked, but divorce rates were low and birthrates were high. I guess you could say that the country idealized the family in these years, what I mean is there was a commitment to the family from its members and a reverence for it from the society. TV programmes of the era depicted the family in the classical configuration: working father, housewife and children. Culturally three characteristics stand out in this period: conformity to social norms, greater male domination of the family than in the later periods, and clear-cut gender roles, that is clear and separate roles for men and women at home and at work. Well, things changed quite a bit after this period. Let’s move on to the second period – the period of individualism, from the mid 1970s to the mid 1980s. Since individualism is so often mentioned in our discussion of US culture and people, I should make a little detour before we discuss it. Individualism brings to mind two other words – independence and self-reliance. Individualism conveys the idea that one should think and act for him or herself, according to what one feels is right. Individualism is easily confused with egotism or selfishness, but in its best sense, it is much more. Individualism implies that one has the freedom to decide what is best rather than allowing that decision to be made by a group such as the community or society. Individualism does, of course, conflict with the concept of community, which implies that the group shares in making decisions. And this conflict between the individual and the community is one that comes up again and again in our lecture series about the United States. Now, let’s get back to our discussion of the family. The second period, the period of individualism, saw three important social and political movements. Do you have any idea which movements I might be talking about? Keep in mind that these decades were characterized by a lack of conformity to social norms. Well, the movements I have in mind are the sexual revolution, in which sex was clearly no longer reserved for the marriage, the women's liberation movement and the movement against the war in Vietnam. All three movements - the sexual revolution, women's liberation and the anti-war movement were typical for the non-conforming nature of these decades. Now, culturally it is in this period where we see two important developments. One – the idealizations of one’s career and of work, and two - the drive for self-expression and self-fulfillment. In this period the feminist movement challenged traditional gender roles and male domination of society. Women began to enter professions previously closed to them, like medicine, law and management. Men, for their part, began at least to consider a more active role in raising their children. These cultural changes occurred during the time of economic changes too. This was a time of rapidly rising cost of living. Together these forceschanged the demographics of the family. The former picture of the family had only one configuration: a married couple with children, where mother stayed at home. The new picture of the family had to include new configurations, like families in which the husband and wife both worked, families of single parents with children and families of co-habiting couples, with or without children. With more women pursuing careers and making money there was less economic pressure to stay in an unsuitable marriage. Therefore, divorce rates doubled in a decade. Rising divorce rates and more financial independence of women made marriage a less attractive arrangement for many women. Consequently, the number of single-parent households tripled. Less conformity to social norms paid the way for co-habitation. So, the number of unmarried couples living together in this period quadrupled. Can you see how economic, cultural and demographic aspects of the society interact with each other? I hope so. Well, let’s continue our agenda. The third period – the new familism, is harder to see because we are living in this period now. And, since we are constantly informed by the Media about the deteriorating American family, it’s hard to get an objective view of the state of the family. I think that today most people applaud the social changes that came about in the second period of individualism. They are not willing to give up gender equality, the freedom to leave an unsuitable marriage or the self-fulfillment of an interesting job. At the same time, most experts, if not most people, admit that children paid a high price for the social changes that took place in the second period. It was children who spent long days in day care or after school hours home alone while both parents worked. And it was children who grew up with only one parent or with step-parents, in many cases. Some experts see changes occurring now in US society, changes that affect the family. Demographically they see a current decline in divorce rates and an increase in birthrates, at least in the mid 1980s. They report a reasonably stable economy. They also report an attempt by people to balance work with family obligations, especially the care of children. They see the individualism of the middle period changing somewhat. The concern seems in many cases to be shifting from one’s career to one’s family, from individualism to the new familism. The most optimistic view of this third period would be that Americans have learned from past mistakes. They want to regain the commitment to family of the first period and keep the equality and fulfillment of the second period. It will now be easier to regain the commitment to the family of the first period, it will require changes in how the society and the government look at the family. In families where both parents work, one parent may try to work at home or work only part-time to have more time for the children. Places of work may offer more flexible working hours and on-site day care to allow more time to gather for parents and children. For its part the government could mandate parental leave, family allowances and quality day-care centers. Parental leave and family allowances would allow parents to stay home to look after newborn children. Quality day-care would be adequately staffed by professionals who stay at their jobs and with the same children year after year. None of these changes is guaranteed, but it seems clear that such changes or similar ones are necessary to ensure a healthier US family in the future. A healthier family to play the central role that family does in every society. I’ve gone over, but, if you want to pursue the topic further there are some references at the end of the lesson to help you do so.

 

Post-listening task. Listen to the following questions, and write short answers. Use your notes. You will hear each question one time only.

1. Are cultural, economic, and demographic conditions the same now as they were 100 years ago in the United States?

2. What proof of family disintegration is given for the past and the pre­sent?

3. What was the predominant configuration of the family during the first period of traditional familism?

4. In the lecturer's mind, is the meaning of individualism closer to self-reliance or closer to selfishness?

5. What three social and political movements occurred during the second period of individualism?

6. What two cultural changes occurred during this second period?

7. By what number did single-parent families and cohabiting couples increase during the second period?

8. In which of the three periods discussed do parents put themselves before their children?

9. What cultural legacies from past periods do people want to have and keep today?

10. In what three ways could the government promote, or help, the new familism?

 

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