Funny Stories
* * * At her friend’s house a young girl meets a sailor who has escaped a shipwreck. Being eager to hear a thrilling story of a storm at sea she asks him: “How did you feel when tossed by the waves?” “Wet, miss,” he answers, unwilling to go into particulars. * * * - Do you know that ugly gentleman sitting opposite us? - That’s my brother, madam. - Ah, I beg your pardon. I haven’t noticed the resemblance.
* * * An American who went to Japan had a Japanese servant who was very polite. One morning the American wanted to get up very early and said to the servant: “Wake me up at six, please. Don’t forget.” At six o’clock the servant entered the American’s room very quietly and seeing that the American was asleep took a sheet of paper and wrote some words on it. Then he left the room as quietly as he had entered. Waking up at 11 o’clock, the American jumped out of bed, looked at his watch and saw the sheet of paper on the table. He read these words on it: “Dear sir, it is now six o’clock. Please get up at once.” * * * When a little boy arrived home from school his mother asked him if he had been a good boy. He replied: “Sure, I was good! How much trouble can you get into standing in a corner?” * * * Patient: I’m in love with you! I don’t want to get well. Nurse: You won’t. The doctor saw you kissing me, and he is in love with me, too. * * * A member of the faculty of a London medical college was chosen to be an honorary physician to the Queen. Proud of his appointment, he wrote a note on the blackboard in his classroom: “Beginning next month I will be honorary physician to Queen Elizabeth.” The next day when the professor returned to the classroom, he found the following line written below his notice: “God Save the Queen!”
GENERAL REVISION A. Ex. 1. State whether the -ing form is a participle, a gerund, or a verbal noun. 1. Looking back upon that time was like remembering something that had happened long ago, when he was much younger. (J.S.) 2. Looking back upon that time, I thought that all might have been different had it not been for the interference of my parents. 3. Dave lived there like a rent-paying tenant, his comings and goings being of small concern to the others. (A.S.) 4. The distraught Jenny, sitting by her sleeping child, was at last made to realize, by its peaceful breathing, that all danger was over. (Th.D.) 5. She left off ringing, and, sitting down at the top of the stairs, buried her face in her hands. (Glsw.) 6. With a sudden tightening of the muscles he became aware of a figure walking noiselessly beside him. (H.W.) 7. There was the sound of rocking a chair in the room, and of a woman singing. (R.G.) 8. He cursed himself for having come, and at the same time resolved that, happen what would, having come, he would carry it through. (J.L.) 9. Through spaces of the unfinished house, shirtsleeved figures worked slowly, and sounds arose — spasmodic knockings, the scraping of metal, the sawing of wood. (Glsw.) 10. Having exhausted all the possible combinations of his vocabulary, the sailor quieted down to hard thinking. (J.L.) 11. An old clock kept with its ticking a jealous record of the seconds slipping away for ever from its old master.
Ex. 2. Insert not or without before the -ing form, thus using a participle or a gerund. 1.... speaking the language, he was questioned through an interpreter. 2. She never did a thing... asking somebody's advice. 3. The man was holding forth,... paying attention to the attempts to interrupt him. 4. I left him alone,... wanting to distract him from his work. 5.... having recognized me, she passed by... answering my nod. 6. The girl looked innocently about her,... realizing what the joke was. 7. They could not see each other... immediately losing their temper. 8.... waiting for an answer, he turned round and walked out. 9. I tried to catch his eye but he sat motionless,... looking in my direction. 10. They jumped at the proposition,... thinking of the consequences. 11. The wind had been blowing for many days... seeming to stop. 12. The young man asked me all kinds of questions... concealing his curiosity. 13. I stood as if petrified,... believing my eyes. 14. He never signed a paper... having thoroughly read it through. 15. The door stood ajar, and we entered... knocking.
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